


Beautiful Mess

by starspangledlibra



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: AU, Angst, Anxiety, Author is pretty much a shameless sap; I'm so sorry, Fluff, Growing and Healing together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Some canon events may still be in there, Yamaguchi's POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-02-19 19:44:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 58,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2400629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starspangledlibra/pseuds/starspangledlibra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi joins a support group as he attempts to overcome his social anxiety.  He finds an unlikely friend in Tsukishima.  With this seemingly cold and distant boy by his side, he learns to do things he never thought he could.  He also may be the most gorgeous boy he has ever met, not that he could ever say that out loud... But no matter how close they get, Yamaguchi still can't figure him out.  He wants to know the boy underneath the smirk and sharp insults, but Tsukishima won't let him in...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dinosaurs

Yamaguchi’s eyes rapidly scanned the circle of chairs, looking for an empty one.  As it turned out, there were two, but either way, he’d be stuck in between two people he didn’t know.  ‘ _Great…  Perfect,’_ he thought to himself, biting down on his lower lip.  This was exactly what he had been trying to avoid. He supposed that this was what he got for showing up so late, but truthfully, he was late on purpose. He had been planning to slip into the meeting at the last minute and take a seat in the back row or something so that he wouldn’t draw too much attention to himself.  He hadn’t been expecting the whole clichéd; _sit in a circle so we can all be closer_ kind of seating arrangement.  He thought all that stuff only happened in the movies.  Or that it was simply staged for the photos that would appear on the brochures of these kinds of places.  But this was not a photo-shoot, and he was not a model, nor was he an actor, so apparently the clichéd circle-seating thing really did exist. 

He sighed, contemplating for a moment whether it might be better to just leave now before he made a fool out of himself. He could do it; he could just walk out now, go to the café that was a few blocks away, and sit in there for a few hours, have a snack, play some games on his phone.  His parents would never have to know- after all, it wasn’t as if they were tracking him, and he doubted that anyone in this room would be inclined to speak up and tell on him, even if they did know his name.

 

_That’s right. No one in here knows who I am. If they don’t know me, then they won’t notice I’m not here…_

Yamaguchi was halfway to the exit when the door opened, and in walked a young man with dark brown hair and glasses. He was short, but he had an air of authority about him, and he was carrying a notebook, binder and pen. Upon seeing Yamaguchi, a warm smile spread across his face.  “Oh hello; you must be one of the new kids who signed up this week… Yamaguchi, right?”

“Y-yeah…”

“Welcome Yamaguchi!  Please, take a seat.  We’ll get started really soon; I promise; I just need to make a quick phone call first.” Yamaguchi nodded dumbly and moved to the nearest empty seat.  So this was their group leader.  The man who had basically just caught him trying to escape.  Thankfully, he hadn’t called him out on it, but still… Ugh.  He was so stupid, he could have kicked himself. How could he have seriously thought that he could get away with not showing up?  His parents had signed him up for this; of course the group leader would know his name!  Of course he would know if one of his new members didn’t come; he probably had a list of everyone in the room! He sighed again and sank even deeper into his chair.

 

_Great- now everyone probably thinks I’m a coward… Which I am; I mean, I’m scared of a room full of scared scared kids, but now they already know, and they probably all saw me trying to ditch, and… No!  No no no; you can’t think like this, Yamaguchi; stay calm!  You’re blowing this out of proportion.  Remember what Doctor Nomura said—no one in this room is more aware of me than me… These other kids probably didn’t even see what happened, and even if they did, they didn’t care.  They have their own things to think about; their own fears… I’ll bet some of them are just as scared as me…_

 

Yamaguchi let out a deep breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding.  Somehow, that thought made him feel a little better.  A lot better, actually.  After all, everyone in this room was in a situation similar to his own.  He just had to keep reminding himself of that. Yes, there were kids who were bigger and stronger than him- a couple looked like they could beat him up, but now as he looked at the other members of the group, really looked at them, he could see that everyone looked nervous, anxious, or at least a little tense.

Well, except for the boy sitting on his left. He didn’t look nervous at all. In fact, he almost seemed bored, disinterested with the world around him, if the white headphones pulled up over his ears were any indicator.  He was staring off into space, absentmindedly tapping his fingers against his leg, no doubt to the tune of whatever it was he was listening to. But although he clearly didn’t want to interact with anyone, there weren’t any visible traces of fear on his face, or in his body language.  He appeared to be truly calm and collected.  Did a guy like this really belong here?  If he did, how was he staying so calm?  Maybe it had something to do with his music…

If this were another universe, one in which Yamaguchi was much smoother and cooler, or at least had the ability to interact normally with another person, he might have asked the boy sitting next to him what he was listening to.  Also his name, and possibly his phone number because this boy was gorgeous, and exactly Yamaguchi’s type.  Or at least, what he assumed to be his type, based on the fictional characters he was drawn to in the mangas he read and the TV shows he watched.  The boy was tall and thin; he had short, messy blond hair and dark framed glasses, which gave him a mature, cool-guy sort of look. And behind those glasses were large light brown eyes.  No, wait; they had a golden tint to them, like honey.  Like amber.  Yes, like amber- that was it!  His eyes were amber, and although they were dulled and lacking passion, they were still interesting to look at.  They were striking, even. They were… staring at him. Glaring at him actually. He began to panic.

 

_Oh god; I’ve been staring at him this whole time!  He probably thinks I’m weird now!  Oh god oh god oh… ok… He noticed.  Can’t do anything about it now.  So just say something… Anything!_

“I, um… Hello.”

_Smooth, Yamaguchi._ His cheeks burned in embarrassment as he dropped his gaze down onto the floor.

“So… haven’t seen you before.” Well, that was probably the dumbest thing he could have said.  Of course he hadn’t seen him before.  He hadn’t seen any of these people before.  He’d never been here before!  But despite knowing that he should probably quit while he’s behind, words continued to flow out of his mouth.  “I mean, not that I should have or anything; it’s just I was wondering if you’re…. new too?” There was a long lapse of silence, and for a moment, he wondered if the blond haired boy had even been listening to him at all, or if he’d just chosen to ignore the question. But when Yamaguchi finally got the courage to look up at him again, the blond boy nodded once in affirmation before going back to staring off into space.  At this, Yamaguchi smiled.  It wasn’t much, but it was something..  Maybe next week, he’d work up the courage to talk to him again... Maybe next week, he’d actually be able to string together a full sentence or two…

It was then that the group leader stepped into the center of the circle, effectively snapping Yamaguchi out of his thoughts. “Good evening, everyone!” he called out. “Thank you for your patience. I’m sorry for keeping you all waiting, but we can go ahead and get started now.  First of all, welcome; I’m Doctor Ittetsu Takeda, but you can just call me Take-sensei; that’s what my students call me.  I teach social and behavioral psychology up at Miyagi Prefecture University, and I’m also a faculty advisor for the psychology department. But in here, I’m just a facilitator of communication, a counselor, and hopefully a friend. I’m not your therapist; most of you have already got one of those anyway, am I right?”  Most of the teens in the room nodded, Yamaguchi included. “Right.  And therapy is very important for the road to recovery, but let me ask you something: how many of you have fun when you go to therapy?”

Not a single person raised their hand.  Finally, Takeda spoke up again, a smile on his face.  “Exactly.  Well I’m pleased to tell you that this is not just another therapy session. Yes there will be nights where I’m leading the discussion, teaching you about the common sources of stress and anxiety and how to cope with them, but the success of this program largely depends on you.  And I know that sounds really cheesy, but its true.  You’ll be sharing your stories, your experiences, your good days, your bad days. Yes, you’ll be talking a lot in here, and I know most of you are nervous about that, but it’s going to be ok because how much and how often you share is going to be up to you. You can go at your own pace. And you know what else? Everyone here tonight, everyone in this circle is in the same boat.  You’re all here because you each have some type of anxiety so crippling that it’s been interfering with how you live your lives.  But you recognized that, and you picked yourselves back up. You’ve all all been working hard to get better.  I know that; I’ve talked to your parents.  And now you’re here, and in here, there will be nothing but compassion and understanding from your peers.  Because you’ve all been through similar struggles.  And you’re all working towards a better future…”  He looked at his watch and chuckled. 

“Wow!  Well I’m sure you’ve had enough of my preaching to last you a lifetime, and it’s only the first session… Anyway, my point is, you will get to participate as much as you feel comfortable with in here, and you’ll get to have fun doing it. We’ll be playing games, and doing a lot of group bonding activities during these meetings so you don’t have to listen to me talk all night.”  He chuckled again, and this time, Yamaguchi and some of the other teens laughed along with him.  Take-sensei seemed really nice, and very approachable.  He was beginning to think that maybe going this support group wouldn’t be so bad… Once the quiet laughter died down, he continued.  “All right, so now that everybody’s loosened up a bit, I’m gonna turn it over to you guys!  I'll let you in on a little secret: everyone here in this room is new; this is a new support group just for you guys.  There's another high school aged group that meets on Tuesday nights, and and they've all been going for six months or more.  We might all combine together for a session someday, but in the meantime, we thought it'd be nice for you guys to have a night all to yourselves, since there were so many of you coming in this month.  Plus, two smaller groups versus one big one allows for more interaction and more participation, so with that in mind, I’d like to hear a little more about each of you.  We’re going to go around the room, and I’d like you to tell me your name, your age, and any one other interesting thing you’d like to share.  Your favorite book, how many siblings you have, what school you go to… anything. Now, would anyone like to start?”

The girl on the other side of the blonde boy raised her hand.  That meant that the blond boy would go last, and he would go second to last… Which was fine by him. He had no idea what interesting fact about himself he could tell the group right now anyway. Takeda beamed at the girl and nodded. “Great!  Can you stand up for me?”

Tentatively, she stood up from her seat. “Hi everyone; I’m Matsui Riko; I’m 15 years old, and… I love to dance.  I’ve been taking ballet for seven years, and jazz for four. It’s a good stress reliever for me, and someday, I hope to join a professional dance company, and by then, I’d… I’d like to have the confidence to perform at my best, no matter how large the crowd… And… that’s all,” she said with a nervous smile, sitting back down in her chair. 

“That was very good, Matsui,” said Takeda. “Thank you for being brave enough to go first.”  He nodded to the girl next to Matsui and encouraged her to stand up.  “All right; lets hear from our next friend…”

“Hello, my name is Nomura Aki…”

On and on, it went like this, and, with the exception of maybe one or two kids, everyone seemed to have some sort of amazing talent- some inspirational reason for why they wanted to get better and overcome their anxiety.  There were dancers, actors, math geniuses, engineers, writers… Everyone here was amazing. But what about him? What was his motivation to get better? Other than for his parents’ sake, and for his own desire to live a normal life, he couldn’t think of one. Because unlike everyone else, he didn’t have an amazing talent… Did he?  He did like volleyball, but he was average at best when he played in elementary school, and that was years ago…  Yamaguchi frowned.  The boy sitting three seats away was standing up to introduce himself.  It would be his turn soon.

 

_Come on… Isn’t there anything I’m good at?_ Now that he thought about it, he did like to draw, but that was just a hobby. Plus, what if Take-sensei asked him to bring in his drawings sometime?  He never showed them to anyone; not even his parents… He looked to his right and swallowed. The boy next to him was standing up. ‘ _Crap… Ok; I have to think of something to say so I don’t just stand up there like an idiot.  Think, Yamaguchi; you still have a little bit of ti-_

 

‘Thank you for sharing with us, Fujiwara. You can take a seat again…” Takeda nodded at Yamaguchi and motioned for him to stand up.  When Yamaguchi hesitated, he smiled sympathetically.  “It’s all right; no one in here is going to judge you; we’re just getting to know each other.  Just tell us whatever you feel comfortable telling, ok?” 

“Ok,” Yamaguchi whispered.  He had meant for that to stay in his head, but somehow it came out of his mouth.  “Ok,” he repeated, this time sounding a little more sure of himself.  He stood up and forced himself to look at the group instead of the floor.  And… well, the people he could see didn’t look so intimidating, so that was good. He could do this. Probably… “Hi, my name is Yamaguchi Tadashi; I’m 15 years old, and… I’ve been homeschooled for the past 5 years. But… I’m going back to public school next month, so… I guess… I guess that means I’m on my way to getting better.” He smiled sheepishly. “It’s nothing amazing like everyone else, and it’s not exactly an interesting fact, but-”

“Yamaguchi,” Takeda cut him off.

“Yes?”

“That’s wonderful.  Getting back out into the world like that is a big deal. Don’t take that accomplishment lightly, ok?”

“Y-yes Sir- err- Yes, Take-sensei!”

“Very good!  You can go ahead and sit back down.  And now, last, but not least, we have…”

The blond haired boy, looking bored as ever, slipped his headphones off for the first time that night.  He draped them around his neck as he stood up to address the group. “Tsukishima… Kei,” he mumbled. “Age 15.”  And it looked as though that was all they were going to get out of him for the night.  But before he could sit down, Takeda let out a small "tsk" sound in disapproval.

“Come on now, Tsukishima… Your friends want to learn more about you.  Just one more thing about yourself, and then you can sit back down.  Tsukishima scowled at Takeda for a moment, but in the end he relented, and with an exasperated sigh, he added:

“I like dinosaurs.” 

The room was silent; it was apparent that even Takeda hadn’t been expecting an answer like that out of someone like Tsukishima. For a second, Yamaguchi thought he had heard wrong, but that was in fact what Tsukishima had said. A slight blush spread across his face, which he attempted to cover up by adjusting his glasses. “I’m sitting down now,” he said, trying to sound as cold and detached as possible, but Yamaguchi wasn’t buying it. So even Tsukishima Kei blushed while talking about himself in public.  And apparently, he liked dinosaurs.  Yamaguchi giggled silently into his hand.  Maybe the “cool, silent guy” wasn’t so unreachable after all.


	2. Class 1-4

The next Thursday came quicker than expected, and as Yamaguchi hurried to finish dinner, he realized that he might be just the tiniest bit excited to go back to this support group. He also realized that the reason for this excitement was probably due to a certain blond haired boy. 

_Tsukishima. Tsukishima Kei. Kei… What a cute name… Whoa, wait, what am I doing?  Stop right there, Yamaguchi; you cannot be falling this hard this fast!  I mean, come on, you just met the boy last week… He looked at you one time! He didn’t even say anything!_

He barely knew the guy.  That’s right- that was what he had to keep reminding himself of. He needed to pull himself together and stop acting like one of those crazy lovesick teenagers that were often in the mangas he read.  Because if he was like this already, if the time ever came to actually have a conversation with Tsukishima, well… He would be in big trouble.  So with that in mind, he wiped the dopey grin off his face, shook his head once to clear his thoughts, and then returned to concentrating on shoveling food into his mouth. 

His mother must have noticed his internal struggle because she chuckled softly.  “Tadashi, there’s no need to rush,” she reminded him gently.  “You still have an hour; that’s plenty of time.”

“Yeah, I know, Mom,” he mumbled between mouthfuls.   Logically, he knew this, but that didn’t make him slow down his pace.  His body just didn’t want to stay still, and if he had to sit around for another hour, or half an hour, or even another five minutes, he was sure that he was going to burst!  And if that happened, he might end up blurting out things in front of his mom that he really didn’t want to talk about right now, or maybe ever…

He must have been lost in thought for awhile, because the next thing he knew, a hand clapped down on his shoulder, and Yamaguchi turned around to see his mother standing behind him, a bright smile on her face. “You seem excited,” she said. “And I think I know why.”

Yamaguchi nearly choked on his drink. “Y- you do?” he sputtered.

“Well don’t sound so surprised, Tadashi; I am your mother, after all.”

“Ahhhh no no, I know, but I uhh-um…”

 

_She knows. She knows!  She knows I have a crush already; how does she know that?! Does she know it’s a boy, or-?_

 

“You’ve made friends already; haven’t you?”

“Huh?”  The word dragged itself out past his lips as he slowly realized that he had been worried for nothing.  A smile of relief washed across his face.  How had he gotten so lucky?  He thought about it for a moment before deciding that it didn’t matter.  Better not question it; just go with it.  “Oh, uhh, yeah; I have, actually.  Lots of them!  Everyone’s very nice.”  Well, that part wasn’t a lie.  Everyone did seem nice; he just hadn’t talked to any of them yet; not really, anyway. She didn’t need to know that though…

“That’s wonderful, Honey!” she said, beaming up at him. “Oh this is so exciting… What are their names? What schools do they go to? You’ll have to bring your new friends over soon so I can meet them!  Maybe this weekend?”

“Mom!” 

“Alright, Alright; I’ll stop. Promise you’ll bring them over sometime though… When you’re ready?”

“Sure, Mom… Ok; I’ve got to go get ready now. 

“Get ready?  Aren’t you-“

He had already run out of the kitchen, heading for his room, by the time she finished her question, but he knew what she was going to say… _Aren’t you already ready?_ Well, he was dressed, so he could understand her confusion- Yamaguchi had never really cared much about how he was dressed, especially after he started being homeschooled. Because, what was the point of looking nice when he didn’t plan on leaving the house?  But he had worn a sweatshirt and sweatpants to last week’s meeting, and worse, he was pretty sure it was the _same_ sweatshirt and sweatpants from last week, and he didn’t want everyone to think that he was some lazy slob who wore the same thing every day… Even though it was true.  His support group didn’t need to know that- not yet, anyway.

After looking through the contents of his closet, however, he realized that this whole dressing decently thing was going to be a lot harder than he’d originally thought.  Apparently he only dressed in sweatshirts and sweatpants because all he owned were sweatshirts and sweatpants.  And some basic t-shirts, and a couple pairs of jeans, but only one of those pairs of jeans still fit.  He sighed as he stared at them in the mirror.  They were faded and slightly worn looking, but he supposed they looked better than what he had on before.  _Good enough, I guess_ , he decided. And with that, he threw on a clean shirt and his favorite green zip up hoodie.  Then he went to the bathroom to wet his hair down and run a comb through it a few times... Not because he had a boy to impress; that had nothing to do with it at all.  He just wanted to look presentable since he was going out in public, and he figured he’d better get used to this since, starting in a few weeks, he’d be going out in public every day, Monday through Friday, at least... 

After about five minutes, and a couple of squirts of his mother’s detangling spray, his hair was… ok.  It was still sticking up in places, but at least he didn’t look like he had just rolled out of bed anymore.  He called that an improvement.  So after one last comb through on his hair, Yamaguchi went back downstairs, slipped on his shoes, and headed out the front door, shouting out a quick goodbye to his mother as he left. 

The community center where the meetings were held was a fairly short walk from his house.  In just 20 minutes, he was there, with 10 minutes to spare, at that. The room was still about three fourths of the way full- it seemed that most people had wanted to come early today- but at least this time, the faces seemed a lot less intimidating than they had last week.  He looked around the room, hoping to find Tsukishima, but it looked like he hadn’t arrived yet. So instead, he took a seat next to an orange haired boy, who was sitting by himself?  He didn’t remember seeing him last week, but then again, he hadn’t really been paying much attention when everyone introduced themselves; he’d had other things to worry about.  Still, he felt bad that apart from Tsukishima, he couldn’t remember a single person’s name in this room.  Maybe he could start fixing that tonight with this boy; he seemed friendly enough. A little jittery, but that was understandable.  It was only the second meeting, after all.  Upon seeing Yamaguchi, the boy flashed him a bright smile, and Yamaguchi found himself smiling back.  Then both of them pulled out their phones, and when each of them saw what the other was doing, they laughed.

“What are you playing?” he asked. “What game I mean.”

“Oh, uhh M-monster Strike.  What about y-?”

“Oh hey; me too!  Oh, that’s so cool; what’s your friend code- maybe we can play together sometime?  I mean I heard that multiplayer mode only works with Bluetooth, so we’d probably have to be sitting next to each other, but we could get here early and play before the meetings start!  We can be all like GWAAA! and POW! and kick some monster butt together!  I mean umm, if… if you want,” he finished, trailing off, his cheeks turning pink.  “Sorry; I didn’t mean to just go off like that on you.  I actually talk when I’m nervous; I talk a lot, and sometimes I don’t really know when to shut up, so if you’d rather play by yourself, that’s-”

“Actually… Playing together sounds fun. I don’t know my friend code right now, but I’ll look it up, and give it to you next week, ok?”

“Oooh, ok!”  He flashed Yamaguchi another winning smile, and once again, Yamaguchi felt himself getting sucked into his aura- this kid’s smile was contagious. “I’m Hinata, by the way; what’s your name?”

“Yamaguchi.” 

“Oh yeah!  Hey aren’t you the one who was sitting next to that scary blond kid last week? You know, the one with the glasses?”

“You mean Tsukishima?  Well, yeah, I did, but-” 

“Did you talk to him?”

“Sort of… I tried, but-”

“Ooh; Yamaguchi’s so brave!  I don’t know if I would have been able to talk to him; he had this mean look in his eyes, like he wanted to beat somebody up! Plus, big, tall guys like him always make me super nervous cause they’re towering over me like a giant wall, and they look like they could crush me, and I get so nervous that I feel like I’m gonna throw up!  Sometimes, I actually do,” he admitted sheepishly, rubbing his stomach.  

“Oh, umm…” Yamaguchi began, unsure of how to respond. This Hinata kid talked a mile a minute, so when it was finally his turn to speak, his mind was blank. “Well, I don’t think Tsukishima is all _that_ bad. Kind of… antisocial; maybe a little grumpy, but-”

“Gahh, he’s here!”  Hinata squeaked.  He returned to his game of Monster Strike, quietly muttering what sounded like _Please don’t sit here_ , over and over. 

“Wait, really?”  Yamaguchi looked up just in time to see the tall blond boy take a seat in the chair directly across from him.  Next to him, he heard a sigh of relief coming from Hinata, but Yamaguchi was a little disappointed.  He knew that it was silly and extremely childish, but…

 

_Why didn’t he sit next to me?  Does he not like me? Wait, what am I thinking; I shouldn’t take it personally- he probably doesn’t even remember me, so what does it matter to him where he sits? Come to think of it, with those headphones on the whole time, he probably didn’t listen to any of the introductions from last week; he probably doesn’t know anyone here…_

One good look at Tsukishima was enough to confirm his suspicions; that boy was definitely in his own world, and that world didn’t include anyone in here.  His headphones were on, and once again, he was staring off into space, amber eyes glazed over and fixated on nothing in particular.  He could see why Hinata was wary of him; he didn’t exactly look approachable, but in Yamaguchi’s opinion, he didn’t look scary either. Not when he was like this, so focused on his music, with his head bobbing slightly to the beat, his fingers tapping against his dark wash skinny jeans… His _tight_ dark wash skinny jeans…

 

_Oh god yeah… Oh god no…._

He quickly stopped that train of thought dead in its tracks and looked away before he could get caught staring. Again…

“All right, everyone; welcome back!” Takeda called out, and at once, the room went silent, and all eyes fell on him.

 

_Ok, Yamaguchi; focus on the meeting this week; you can do it…_

 

This task turned out to be easier than he’d originally thought.  Takeda was so charming and friendly; he seemed to have this way of making people want to listen to him.  He opened up with a bit about how his week had gone, including a funny little anecdote about how his four year old niece had colored all over the exams that he was planning on giving to his students.  That got a bunch of chuckles, and a few awwws from some of the girls in the room, and then Takeda turned it over to them.  “So, who else would like to share?  It can be about anything you want, so don’t be shy…” 

Unsurprisingly, Hinata shot his hand up and started talking a million miles a minute, all the while making hand gestures, and flailing his arms wildly as he spoke.  It made Yamaguchi exhausted just watching him, but he did get to learn a lot about his new friend.  Apparently, Hinata was scared of tall people, the dark, math tests, and a whole list of other things… He also apparently had a comic book collection, his favorite food was pork buns, and he loved volleyball more than anything else in the entire world. That was why he was going to Karasuno, he explained- to play on the same team as the ‘little giant’, some successful athlete who had played for Karasuno about four years back, who was apparently also short like Hinata?  Or at least, that’s what Yamaguchi was guessing.  In truth, he had stopped paying attention when he heard Karasuno because that was the school he was going to, and he was so relieved to know that there would be at least one familiar face on his first day…

 

_I’m going to the same school as Hinata.  I’ll have to remember to tell him that later…_

Finally, after nearly 15 minutes of continuous chatter, Hinata sat down, and Takeda asked if anyone else would like to share. But apparently, nobody wanted to follow an introduction like that, so there were no other volunteers. Takeda smiled and nodded.

“That’s fine; that’s fine; it’s only the second meeting, and we don’t all really know each other yet… So this week we’re going to try and fix that!”  He reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a stack of children’s playing cards and held it up for everyone to see.  “So, what I’m going to do now is give everyone a card, and when I say so, I want you to go around the room and find the person who has your matching card… Keep in mind, I borrowed these from my four-year-old niece, so instead of a pair of kings, you might be looking for a pair of monkeys…  Anyway, when you find your partner, I want you to try and learn at least three new things about them.  Don’t forget to talk about yourself too… And then, after a little while, I’ll ask for the cards back, mix them up, and then we’ll try it again… So hopefully, by the end of tonight, you’ll all know at least a few of the people in this room a little better than you do right now, and then sharing in front of the group won’t be so nerve wracking… Ok, so does everyone understand what we’re doing?” There was a soft, collective yes, and then Takeda began passing out cards. 

Yamaguchi was looking for an elephant, as he found out once he was dealt his card.  So, like everyone else, he stood up and started walking around the room looking to see who had the other elephant.  He asked a few different people, but they all shook their heads; they had rhinos and lions, but not an elephant… Gradually, others in the room found their partners and went off to sit together, but Yamaguchi still couldn’t find his partner, even though the crowd of standing people had thinned out considerably. He was beginning to think that maybe his card was the product of some unfortunate accident, that maybe there _was_ no other elephant card, when he heard a soft “Hey, Freckles.”  Yamaguchi spun around at the voice, his jaw nearly hitting the floor when he discovered who it belonged to. 

Tsukishima Kei.  And he was holding up the elephant card.  He was his match- how had that even happened?  It was clearly a stroke of either amazing luck, or incredible misfortune, but which one it was, he hadn’t decided yet.

“It’s Yamaguchi,” he replied weakly, as he followed Tsukishima back to a pair of empty seats. 

“Hmm?” Tsukishima slid his headphones down around his neck, and Yamaguchi realized that the boy must not have hear what he’d said before. 

“Oh, it’s just- my name’s Yamaguchi… You called me Freckles, so…”

“Oh.  Sorry about that.  I didn’t remember your name; I just remembered that you’re the kid with the freckles who sat next to me last week.” 

Yamaguchi blushed and hid his face in his hands. _The kid with the freckles?_   Was he really going to be known for that again?  He thought that they’d faded enough over the years that maybe other people wouldn’t notice them, but he guessed he was wrong.  Oh god- was he going to get teased again for this when he started high school?  He knew he’d told his parents that he would give public school a try again, but if people were still noticing his freckles?  He didn’t think he could handle being labeled as the class freak again.  His breath hitched.  His eyes began to sting with tears at the memories, but he held them in because the last thing he wanted was to cry right here in front of everyone and draw attention to himself… 

 

_I really am pathetic, aren’t I?_

“What are you doing?”  The words sounded harsh and angry, but when Yamaguchi lifted his head, he noticed that the blond didn’t look angry.  In fact, he looked more confused than anything.  “Don’t get upset,” he continued.  “They’re just freckles.  Dots on the skin. You have them; I don’t. So what?”

“You mean… you don’t think they’re ugly?”

“Not really.”

“Or weird?”

Tsukishima shrugged.  “I think everyone in here is weird.  And kind of annoying.  Including you… It’s got nothing to do with your freckles though. They’re kind of neat, actually.”    

“Thanks… I think?” 

“Besides, nobody’s going to find you weird or annoying as long as you’re sitting next to that Hinata kid.” He gestured over to where Hinata was sitting; currently, he was waving his arms around like crazy, while his partner was nodding politely, looking slightly confused.  “He’s like a chipmunk, or a skittish small dog, or a furry orange hedgehog…”  

Yamaguchi chuckled at this.  He felt a little guilty, since he genuinely did like Hinata, but he appreciated Tsukishima’s attempts to make him feel better. In his own way, the boy really was trying, even if that meant insulting other people.  “Yeah, he’s kind of all over the place,” Yamaguchi agreed. “And so full of energy; I get tired just watching him.”  

“He’s exasperating… I can’t believe he’s going to my school.  At least he won’t be in my class though.  Kid seems kind of like an idiot…”

“Well, I don’t know if I would use the word _idiot_ , but- wait what? You’re going to Karasuno?” Tsukishima sighed.

“Don’t tell anyone.  Especially not him.” 

“No!  I mean, me too!  I mean I- I’m going to Karasuno too… My test scores were actually pretty high; I’m going to be in a college prep class, so maybe I’ll see you around.  Class 1-4.  What about you?”

“Class 1-4.” 

“Oh!”  As exciting as this news was, he couldn’t think of anything else to say, and Tsukishima didn’t feel the need to say anything else, so they sat there in silence for a few minutes until Yamaguchi finally spoke up again.  “So… anyway… I think we’re supposed to ask each other questions or something until Takeda calls time, so, umm… what’s your favorite color?”

 

_Wow. Always asking the important questions, Yamaguchi… That was so lame._

 

But Tsukishima didn’t seem to care. “Blue.  Like the ocean, I guess.” 

Just then, Takeda called time, and everyone stopped what they were doing to go and return their cards.  Yamaguchi reluctantly stood up to do the same, but he stopped when he heard Tsukishima say his name.

“Yamaguchi… What’s yours?”

“Huh?  Oh… Green. Like my hoodie!” And with that, he walked away with a smile on his face.  That had actually gone better than expected.  If this were another universe, one where he was much braver and cooler, he would have answered _amber, like your eyes,_ but this was the real world, and someone like him could never say that to someone like someone like Tsukishima, not without humiliating himself. But for these past 10 minutes, Tsukishima had actually noticed him, talked to him, even taken an interest in him. And for now, that was enough.

 


	3. Sweet Tooth

_-Hinata, where are you?-_

In this moment, he was really glad that Hinata had insisted they exchange phone numbers, because after only three group sessions, Hinata was still the only one he could consider an actual friend at this point. Well… there was Tsukishima, but he didn’t know if they were friends, exactly.  Sure, they had talked at least once in every group meeting so far, but… Tsukishima didn’t seem like the type of person who had friends, or even wanted them for that matter.  He kept to himself, only speaking when necessary during small group activities, sometimes not speaking at all, leaving his partner, or partners, feeling slightly awkward. Last week, Yamaguchi had looked over at his group, only to see him get up and leave the room. He supposedly had left to go to the bathroom, according to Hinata, but he had never returned, and when they all came back into one big circle at the end, there was an empty chair where the blond was supposed to be sitting.  Takeda hadn’t said anything about it though, so Yamaguchi figured that it was nothing to worry about.  Probably…  He just hoped he would see Tsukishima tonight to confirm that. He also hoped that Hinata would show up already.  And the rest of the group. And… Takeda… He glanced at the clock on the wall behind him, then at the small handful of people sitting in the circle.  Where was everyone? Just then, his phone buzzed.

 

_-Ummm I’m at home. In the kitchen… Mom made curry it’s so yummy!  Why; where r u?-_

_-The meeting?! Why aren’t you here? Did you forget it’s Thursday? It seems like a lot of people forgot…-_

_-Ehhh???!? Did you not check your email? Take-sensei’s sick. Nothing serious, but he cancelled tonight’s meeting-_

 

Well, that explained a lot.  Yamaguchi sighed and typed back a quick reply on his phone.

 

_-Oh, no I didn’t check it, and I guess these people didn’t either?  Well, ok- I guess I’ll just head home then. Thanks, Hinata-_

_-No problem! See ya next week!-_

_-NO WAIT MONDAY SEE YOU MONDAY BECAUSE HIGH SCHOOL!!  I CAN’T WAIT WELL NOT CAUSE OF THE HOMEWORK PART BUT SCHOOL MEANS VOLLEYBALL!!!!-_

_-And I get to see you more often!  Sucks that we’re not in the same class (you just haaaad to be smart, didn’t ya? :/ ) But I’ll still see you after school, right?  You’re joining, right?-_

_-Right?????-_

 

Yamaguchi laughed as he read the incoming flood of texts from his friend.  Somehow, even without him being there, it felt like he could hear Hinata’s voice, shouting all these things in his usual loud and cheerful voice. 

 

_-I’ll think about it, ok?  See you Monday, Hinata-_

 

And with that, he shoved his phone back into his pocket and left the room, but not before telling the other kids that the meeting was cancelled.  There were murmurs of disappointment and mild concern for their group leader, but soon enough, everyone went their separate ways.  Yamaguchi didn’t really want to go home though just yet; his dad was away on another business trip, and his mom was out with her friends tonight.  It wasn’t that being home alone bothered him; in fact, he found it relaxing from time to time, but being home alone meant that he had to cook dinner for himself. And cooking dinner meant making instant noodles in the microwave- the last time he had tried to cook a proper meal, he had started a small kitchen fire.  The smoke detectors had been set off, one of the neighbors had called the fire department, and although there hadn’t been any major damage, Yamaguchi was still really embarrassed about the whole thing.  So at home tonight, the only thing he could have was instant noodles, or… instant noodles.  He chose neither and instead turned left out of the community center, heading for the local café. 

As he walked, he was debating between sticking with the curry or trying the tempura, and he almost didn’t notice tall blond boy passing him by.  Almost. As soon as his mind processed who it was, he spun around and shouted, “Wait!”  Tsukishima jumped; obviously startled from being pulled out of his world inside the headphones.  When he turned and saw that it was Yamaguchi, his facial expression changed from shocked, to relieved, then back to his usual apathetic expression.

“What?”

“Oh- well, it’s just… We don’t have a meeting tonight because-”

“Ok.”

“Take-sensei’s sick, and-”

“Ok.  See you later.”  He started walking back in the same direction as Yamaguchi, who stood frozen on the sidewalk, unsure of what to do. 

 

_Do I walk with him?  Is that weird? Should I just walk past him? No, that’s even weirder… Maybe I should just go home…_

The grumbling in his stomach, however, advised against that.  This was ridiculous; he was allowed to walk in the same direction as his crush; that didn’t mean he was following him.  He wasn’t following him!  He was just hungry. Really really hungry… He opted for walking behind Tsukishima at a safe distance, figuring that eventually the boy would make a turn somewhere to go back home, and then he wouldn’t be spotted. This strategy was going pretty well until they had to stop at a crosswalk.  It was a long light at this intersection, so he sheepishly shuffled up next to Tsukishima, as they waited for the white walk signal. The taller boy didn’t even look in his direction, and for a minute he thought might not have noticed him- that maybe he was too focused on his music to pay attention to anything else.

“Don’t you live the other way?”

He had been wrong. 

“Uhh, y-yes!” Yamaguchi squeaked.“ He knew that he shouldn’t be afraid; it was just a simple question, but more often than not, every word out of Tsukishima’s mouth sounded like a threat, and he still wasn’t used to it yet. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Yeah, I do, but I was thinking I’d get something to eat before I go home, and there’s a nice little restaurant a couple blocks away, so…”

“Where is it?”  

“Huh?!”

“The restaurant.  Where is it?”

“Oh, uh… Block 7.  Did you… want me to show you?”

Tsukishima didn’t give a reply; he merely shrugged, but he kept pace with Yamaguchi instead of walking ahead, so Yamaguchi took that as a yes.  He smiled nervously at the blond, who, thankfully wasn’t looking at him to watch him smiling like an idiot at said blond.  His heart was beating fast.  He didn’t know why though.; it’s not like this was a date.  He was just getting dinner with a friend.  An acquaintance, really.  A very attractive acquaintance, which he had basically just invited to come eat dinner with him.  But it wasn’t a date… After all, he was pretty sure that someone like Tsukishima would never want to go out with someone like him anyway.

 

_But here we are, side by side, close enough for our hands to touch…Whoa, wait; stop Yamaguchi; don’t actually touch his hand; then he’ll really get creeped out!_

Slowly, he inched away from Tsukishima as they walked, hoping that he wouldn’t notice.  He noticed.  With a frown, he raised an eyebrow at Yamaguchi.  “What?”

“Oh n-nothing; nothing!  I guess I was just… wondering if you were ok?”

 

_Oh wow, did I really just say that?  Why did I say that?_

 

“Hmm?”

“Oh you know, because you left early last week and didn’t say anything.  To anyone. Where did you go?”

“I went home.” 

“Why?”

He rolled his eyes.  “Did you see who was in my group?  I had to listen to that shrimp Hinata go on and on about the time he nearly wet himself before his first volleyball match. Then he went on and on about all of the injuries he’s gotten from practice and the stories behind them, and I swear, half of them involved falling on his face, and the other half, getting smacked in the face with the ball because he wasn’t paying attention. I figured that more than fulfilled my stupidity quota for the day, so I left.  Believe it or not, even I have my limits,” he said with a smirk.

“Oh, come on; that’s not nice- Hinata’s not so bad! He’s actually kind of fun to listen to. Sometimes…”  He did have to admit that the tiny orange haired boy could be a bit overwhelming, and he had only known him for two weeks.

“Well, I’m not nice.  And I’ll keep that in mind.  Maybe you can trade me groups if I ever get stuck with him again.”

“I don’t think Take-sensei will let you do that.”

“That’s why we do it when he’s not looking. He’ll never notice.

“I think he might…” 

“Or maybe you just don’t want to be in his group after all?”

“No; it’s not like that!  Hinata’s my friend!”

“I was afraid you’d say that… I guess you really must have the patience of a saint though, to be friends with that overly happy, volleyball idiot.” 

“Ok, so he gets… a little bit over excited sometimes. Most of the time… But there’s nothing wrong with that; that’s just how he is.  Some people are like that, and some people are-”

“Normal?”

“I was going to say _not_ , but ok; I get it.  You don’t like Hinata.  Honestly, though, I wasn’t sure what to think of him either, at first.  But some people just grow on you; you know?”

Tsukishima looked at him like he had grown a second head for a moment, before answering, “No.  I don’t.  You said block 7, right?” 

“…Yeah, so… left up here.”  

They were quiet the rest of the walk there, the silence only broken by Yamaguchi pointing out the café to Tsukishima, who seemed almost surprised by it’s existence.  Then they went inside and were seated immediately by one of the hostesses, who knew Yamaguchi by name at this point.  With a smile, she led them to his favorite spot; the table in the back corner by the window.

“All right, here are your menus; your server will be right with you, but can I get you boys anything to drink in the meantime?”

“Coffee,” they both said at nearly the same time. “Please.”

She chuckled at this.  “Sounds good.  Any cream or sugar for the table?”  Yamaguchi had opened his mouth to say no, but to his surprise, Tsukishima said,

“Yes, please.” 

“Ok, no problem.  I’ll bring those right out for you!” 

If Yamaguchi had learned anything that night, it was that coffee for him and coffee for Tsukishima meant two completely different things.  Personally, he was perfectly fine with black coffee; he appreciated the rich dark roast taste all on its own.  So for him, coffee was just coffee, with just a small splash of creamer too cool it down a little. For Tsukishima, however, coffee meant several spoonful’s worth of creamer, and three packets of sugar. He noted how the blond tried to discretely add that last packet, as if slightly ashamed by it, but it was obvious by the way his hands were fidgeting in his lap that he was opening another one. He had held it in his lap for a long time, while pretending to look over the menu, clearly waiting for Yamaguchi to look away, which was completely ridiculous.  Yamaguchi bit back a laugh, but he played along and pretended to look over the menu as well, even though he knew exactly what he was going to order. Sure enough, he heard the rustling of a sugar packet and the stirring of a spoon. 

Their server finally showed up and apologized for taking so long.  Apparently, a large party was coming here soon to celebrate someone’s birthday, and he was helping set up their area.  “Anyway, sorry again for the wait; Yamaguchi; what can I get you?  Your usual?”

“Yes please!” 

“Ok, so one curry and rice for you… And for your friend?”  He turned to Tsukishima, who didn’t say his order, but instead pointed to it on the menu. The waiter smiled and nodded. “Good choice…  Well, I’ll go put those orders in right away; let me know if you need anything else!”  And with that, he disappeared into the kitchen, leaving the two of them alone once again. They quietly sipped on their coffees, and as the warmth of the drink spread throughout their bodies, Tsukishima appeared to relax.  His legs crossed, and he leaned back into the cushion of the booth.  Then, finally, he slid his headphones down around his neck, something Yamaguchi had only seen him do a handful of times, mainly when they talked one on one.  Did that mean he was comfortable around him?  It had to mean something- at the very least, that he was listening. 

“So…” Yamaguchi began.  “How do you like the coffee?”  

“It’s pretty good.”

“Yeah; they brew their coffee fresh here, so it’s one of the more popular places to get coffee in our town.  Or at least, that’s what I’ve heard… You know, honestly I’m surprised you’ve never been here before, since you like coffee, and it’s in the direction of your house.  You really didn’t know about this place?" 

Tsukishima shook his head.  “I don’t know much about this town at all, except that it’s a little bigger than I thought it would be.  I just moved here about a month and a half ago.”

“Oh wow, really?  Well, ok; that makes sense… Where did you move from?”

“Tokyo.”   

 

“Tokyo?!  What are you doing here then?  I- I mean, no offense, but moving from a place like there to a place like here is just- not something that happens a lot.  Why the change?” 

He shrugged.  “Not sure.  It was my mom’s idea. She travels a lot, so I think she decided that she’d like some place quieter to come home to.”

“Ahh, I see… So, what do think of it here?”

“It’s definitely quieter.”

“Yeah… Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?  I know not everybody likes the quiet.”

“There are not nearly as many busses or cars here.  The houses are a lot further spaced out.  I don’t see any bright neon streetlights before bed.  It’s not good or bad.  Just different.  The whole, everyone knows your name in a small town thing is kind of creepy though,” he muttered.  “I don’t want that.” 

Yamaguchi laughed at this.  “Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about that- these people only know me because my mom is good friends with one of the chefs, and a few of the servers.  That and, I’m here all the time…  You see, a couple years ago, my therapist told me that I needed to get out more.  Because even if I was going to keep being homeschooled, I still needed to spend some time outside of the house without my parents, or I would never get over my anxiety.  This is the first place I felt comfortable going to by myself since… well, since the end of elementary school I guess.  It helped to know that my mom had friends here, and everybody’s been really nice and understanding. Sometimes some of the servers will even come over and chat with me.  I think it’s helped, but I’m still nervous about going back to school. I haven’t had much interaction with anybody my own age in a really long time, so I’m worried if I’m going to fit in ok, you know?” 

 

_Or… maybe you don’t know._

He half expected Tsukishima to laugh at him and tell him that friends were useless, or something like that, but when he looked up at the blonde, he had a surprisingly thoughtful expression on his face. Finally, after a long pause, he said, 

“Everybody’s the new kid their first year in high school.  Nobody knows what you did before this, or what you’ve been through.  Nobody cares.” He took another sip of his coffee. “Or, in the ridiculously cheesy and clichéd words of our Takeda-sensei… _High school’s like a clean slate, where you can start all over again.”_

Yamaguchi smiled.  “That’s true, but… I still don’t know how I’m going to talk to the other kids. I’m not really good at making friends… I’m not even sure if I remember how to anymore.” 

“Well don’t ask me for any advice on how to make friends,” he said with a smirk.  “But I don’t know what you’re so worried about.  Anybody who can hold Hinata attention-span-of-a-squirrel Shouyou’s interest should have no problem talking to people.  And you talk to me just fine,” he added, in a much quieter voice. 

 

_That’s because you two are different!_ Yamaguchi wanted to argue.  _Hinata’s so happy and cheerful all the time that almost anybody could get sucked into his atmosphere. And you are… I have no idea, but somehow whenever I’m around you, I feel like I can say anything. And I don’t know why. Really, it should be the opposite, since I freak out a little every time I see you, but…_

 

“It’s kind of a miracle,” he mused.

“What was that?”

“Ahh, nothing; it’s nothing!  You’re right; I shouldn’t worry so much.  I’ll be fine!  I mean, at the very least… at least I’ll have one friend in my class on Monday, or someone I know anyway, so I don’t have to sit by myself during our lessons, or… I mean if you want…” 

“Yeah.”  

“Yeah?”

“Mmhmm.”

He couldn’t be sure if Tsukishima had just agreed to being friends with him, or simply sticking together, so that they wouldn’t have to sit alone, but he had just agreed to something, and he wouldn’t get to find out tonight because at that moment, their food showed up, and Yamaguchi finally saw what Tsukishima had ordered. 

Strawberry shortcake.  Complete with whipped crème and strawberry sauce drizzled on top. Upon seeing the cake, Tsukishima’s amber eyes lit up, and he immediately dug in.  He took his first bite, and a wide smile spread across his face. Yamaguchi didn’t think he’d ever seen the taller boy this excited about anything.  He wondered if he ever would again.  Either way, it was incredibly cute- as if he needed more reasons to be so completely infatuated with this boy; now even the way ate cake was adorable… Yamaguchi stayed quiet about it for as long as he could, content to just see Tsukishima smile, but when he started hearing soft “Mmmm,”s and lip licking, he lost all self control and started giggling.  

Tsukishima dropped his fork and looked up. “What?!”  

“Nothing!  I just… I just didn’t peg you for someone with a sweet tooth, I guess. Is it good?” he asked in mock innocence. He’d have to be blind to not know the answer to that.  And deaf. 

“…Shut up, Yamaguchi.”    He picked his fork back up and stared down at the cake, unwilling to look the brunette in the eyes.  “Yes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, writing dorks in love is my favorite pastime. <3 Will get to more plot soon, I promise. This story may be a slow burn though, so get comfy, maybe grab some coffee, (dump a crap ton of sugar in it), and enjoy the read. Anyway, I meant to mention this last chapter, but thanks for the kudos and comments, guys! I really appreciate them :)


	4. Tsukki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nerds being nerds

For better or for worse, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were definitely friends now.   Any doubts that Yamaguchi had before were completely erased when the blond entered the classroom on Monday morning and voluntarily sat right next to him. In all fairness, he first thought that Tsukishima may have just wanted a seat by the windows, and that may have been true, but when he looked around, he realized that they were both ridiculously early, and that there were still several window seats left.  This made him smile.

“Good morning,” he said.  The taller boy turned his head and stared for a good 30 seconds, looking Yamaguchi up and down multiple times.  After the third time, he started to get self-conscious. He looked down. His zipper was up. His clothes were on the right way. He patted down his hair. It was messy, but no messier than usual, and yet Tsukishima continued to stare. 

“U-ummm… is something wrong?” he finally asked.

Tsukishima looked like he wanted to say something, but the words seemed to die on his lips. Instead, he let out a heavy sigh and bent down to reach into his backpack.  He was hunched over for a long time, muttering to himself something Yamaguchi couldn’t quite make out.  He was pretty sure he’d heard the word stupid though.  Finally, he reemerged with a cereal bar clutched in hand, and he set it down on Yamaguchi’s desk.  Yamaguchi’s eyes widened.  There was no explanation, no concerned lecture to go along with this gesture, but Yamaguchi got the message.

 

_What makes him think I didn’t eat breakfast?_

 

It was true.  He didn’t eat breakfast- he had been far too nervous about his first day to eat anything this morning.  But how did Tsukishima know that?  Or maybe he didn’t know and was just guessing based on his appearance. He was sure that he probably looked exhausted right now; in total, he’d had about two hours of sleep the night before, and while that was more than he thought he’d get, it still wasn’t enough. Getting out of bed had been difficult, and he had barely been able to dress himself properly.  It had taken a good deal of persuasion from his mother just to get him to drink a glass of juice before heading out the door; forget about forcing a balanced breakfast down his throat.  He still wasn’t sure if he could eat anything now, but he didn’t want to seem rude.  Plus, if he didn’t eat something soon, he might not make it till lunchtime; he might just pass out at his desk, and with the way he was feeling right now, that seemed like a real possibility.  

He offered a smile to Tsukishima as he unwrapped the breakfast bar, then tentatively took a bite.  This wasn’t so bad.  He didn’t feel like he was going to throw up, like he had earlier, so if he went slow, he was sure he’d be fine.  He took another, bigger bite and swallowed.  Then another, then another… Still no nausea.  In fact, his stomach was starting to feel a little better. He sighed in relief.

“Wow, I didn’t know how much I needed food until right now… Thanks, Tsukki!”  

There was no answer, and when Yamaguchi looked to his left, he noticed that Tsukishima was giving him a strange look. Second time this morning, and class hadn’t even started yet; this wasn’t good. 

 

_He’s staring again- what now?  What did I do this time? What did I say? Think, Yamaguchi; think! But I mean… All I said was thanks, right?  Thanks, Tsukki? Thanks… Tsukki… Tsukki… Oh god._

“Oh my god; I’m so sorry, Tsukki… Tsukishima!” His face turned bright red, and he buried his face in his new notebook and wrapped his arms around his head. “I guess I’m more tired than I thought… Sorry; sorry… It won’t happen again- I promise.  I…”   

 

_Quit while you’re behind._

And this time, he decided to listen to that persistent voice in his head and just shut up already.  He didn’t dare lift his head to see if the blond was still looking at him; he didn’t want to know.  Instead, he made himself comfortable.  Laying his head on a desk was more comfortable than he had expected. He could understand now how students could fall asleep in class- resting like this, with his eyes closed, his arms blocking out the rest of the fluorescent lighting… He could fall asleep right now… They did have almost a half hour until school started. Two hours really wasn’t enough sleep…

He didn’t know how much time he spent resting like that, in a sleepy haze, but it felt like hours.  Of course, he knew it hadn’t been hours, or at least he hoped it hadn’t been because then he would be in big trouble on his first day, and he didn’t want that.  He hadn’t been asleep for hours though… had he? He couldn’t bring himself to sit up and check. His head felt heavy, and each time he began to wake up, the quiet mumblings of the surrounding students, along with the methodical ticking of the clock on the wall, lulled him back to sleep. And later, he could have sworn he heard soft, calming music- the acoustics of a guitar, and a pleasant, indistinguishable voice singing lyrics that Yamaguchi’s tired mind didn’t bother to process. But he was sure that was just his imagination because this was a classroom, and he hadn’t brought any music with him. However, imaginary or not, it was nice.

All too soon though, the music ended, and the quiet mumblings were interrupted by a loud crashing sound, which was exactly the push he needed to wake up. 

“WHA-Huh??!” he exclaimed as he bolted upright in his chair.  Then he remembered where he was and clamped a hand over his mouth, but apparently he hadn’t been as loud as he thought, because, sure, some of the other students were looking in his direction, but they weren’t looking at him.  They were looking at Tsukishima, who had apparently knocked his pencil case onto the floor, causing the contents to spill out all over.

“Oops,” he deadpanned before bending down to pick up the mess.  The few students who had been watching shrugged and went back to their conversations. Meanwhile, Yamaguchi continued to watch the taller boy pick up the pencils and pens until he came to his senses enough to realize he should probably do something.  Quickly, he got out of his chair and knelt down on the floor. Tsukishima, however, pushed his hand away when he tried to help.  “I got it,” he said.

“Are you sure?”  

“Yeah.”

“Really sure?”

“Yes.”

“But it’s no big-“

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.  And get back in your chair… I’ve heard that our teacher’s pretty strict.” 

Tsukishima was right.  In fact, pretty strict was definitely putting it gently. Yamaguchi thanked whatever being in the universe that was looking out for him today that he had woken up when he did, because it was a mere minute later before the bell rang, and their teacher strode into the classroom.  She did not go easy on the other two boys who’d decided to take a nap before class. They were rudely awoken to detention slips being slammed on their desks.  Yamaguchi decided that this would probably be enough motivation to sleep at home from now on.  Or at least, not in here…

 

_That could have easily been me…_

He would have thanked Tsukishima right then and there for dropping his stuff, but he had a feeling that talking wasn’t going to be permitted right now. 

“All right, quiet down, everyone!” she snapped.

 

_Called it._

“You’re all in my class because your test scores say that you are some Karasuno’s best and brightest, so… Excuse me… What are you doing out of your seat?”  All eyes turned to Tsukishima, who was busy trying to grab a dinosaur shaped eraser that had fallen under the desk in front of him.  Yamaguchi might have thought it was cute if he wasn’t so fearful for his friend’s life at the moment.  On the contrary, Tsukishima didn’t seem afraid at all, but he did abandon his quest for the fallen eraser and sat back up in his chair.

He smiled, but it was nothing like the smile he had seen at the café.  It was tight and strained.  “Nothing, Ma’am.” 

“… What’s your name?”   

“Tsukishima.  Kei.”

“Well, Tsukishima-san, in my class, when the bell rings, all students should be in their seats, facing forward, ready to learn. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Good.  And take off the headphones.  Now, please. Next time I won’t hesitate to take them away.”

The headphones came off and were shoved into his backpack before she could even finish the sentence.  The teacher smirked and nodded in satisfaction before returning to the front of the room, and Yamaguchi let out a sigh of relief. It seemed like a day without music was scarier to Tsukishima than this teacher’s wrath. He seriously had to wonder about that boy’s priorities.  But still, the way he remained unshaken in a situation like this was pretty cool.

 

_Tsukki’s pretty cool.  Tsukishima. Tsukishima. Stop staring.  Face forward.  You can do this._

 

* * *

  

Morning classes dragged by slowly, especially after their homeroom teacher had left and another teacher replaced her. Yamaguchi hated to admit it, but as awful as she was, her unsettling presence had done a pretty good job of keeping him awake.  But as he sat through one class after the next after the next, fatigue began to set in again, and by the end of fourth period, he could barely keep his eyes open, let alone focus on translating the English worksheet in front of him. Tsukishima, however, seemed to be flying through his worksheet; he finished right before the bell rang and began packing up his things.  In the end, most people didn’t finish their worksheets, and the teacher said to bring them back completed tomorrow.  Yamaguchi groaned along with the rest of the class and laid his head back down on the desk. Homework.  English homework.  His worst subject.  Great. Perfect… Oh well- he’d worry about that later.  At least it was finally lunchtime. He was about open up his backpack to grab his bento when he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. “Tsukki?”

 

_No. Stop that._

“Tsukishima?”  There was no answer, but he looked up just in time to see the taller boy slipping out the door.  Yamaguchi didn’t even think twice before grabbing his bag and his English assignment and running after him.  “Hey, wait up!” But the blond didn’t stop; he didn’t even slow his pace as he continued down the hall.  Yamaguchi frowned.  “Hey! Tsukishima?  Do you think you can- Oh right, headphones… Duh…” He ran to catch up with Tsukishima and tentatively tapped him on the shoulder.  The taller boy flinched at the contact, but he seemed to relax a little when he realized who it was.  The surprise on his face was quickly replaced with annoyance, though he did turn down his music a little bit, so he could actually hear what Yamaguchi had to say. 

“What do you want?”

He hadn’t raised his voice, and yet something in the tone of his voice put Yamaguchi on edge, and he immediately forgot what he was going to say.  He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and stared up at the ceiling  “Ahhh, umm, sorry to…. bother you, but; it’s just that… aren’t we supposed to eat lunch in the classroom?”

Tsukishima shrugged.  “Don’t know.”

“Yeah, me neither, and nobody else left the room, so maybe… we have to eat in there?”

“You can go back.”  He started walking down the hall again, faster this time.

“Ahh, no, that’s not what I meant…Wait!!” He ran to Tsukishima’s side once again, this time keeping pace with him instead of trying to stop him. “Where are we going?” His question was answered by a sigh, an eye roll, and nothing else.

“Ok… I guess it’ll be a surprise then.” They turned a corner and walked until they found a set of double doors on the right hand side of the hallway. Without hesitation, Tsukishima pushed past these doors and started making his way up the seemingly endless flight of stairs.  And Yamaguchi followed- he had to admit, he was curious where the blond’s final destination for lunch would be. 

Wherever it was, it included a lot of stairs.

“Do you know where this leads?” he asked, as they were climbing their fourth flight of stairs.”  Tsukishima didn’t answer, but it turned out there was no need, because at the top of this flight, there was another set of double doors, which they went through, and then Yamaguchi got his answer. Apparently this ambiguous final destination was the school’s rooftop.  The breeze hit him hard as he stepped outside, and so he buttoned up his blazer. Then when he looked around, the first thing he noticed was that they were alone.  Completely alone.  “Wow… How did you know this was here?”

“You mean the roof?” 

“No!  I mean, how did you know where to go?  How did you know how to get up here?  Are we allowed to be up here?  We are allowed to be up here… right?

Tsukishima, calm and composed as ever, shrugged as he sat down against the concrete ledge and pulled his bento out of his backpack. “I’ve never been told otherwise.” 

“I-I see…”

 

_He has no idea._

The more logical part of his brain told him that he should probably just go back to the classroom, but the other, much louder part was telling him to stay, and so he did.  Truthfully, he’d always wanted to try eating lunch on a school rooftop, since the characters from his favorite animes always seemed to enjoy it so much.  And hey, if they could get away with it, day in and day out, why couldn’t he? 

Yamaguchi took a seat against the wall right next to Tsukishima and pulled out his own lunch.  Chicken karaage, broccoli, and white rice. Not as fancy as whatever colorful dish Tsukishima had in his bento, but still, it looked good. Not that he was surprised- his mother had made it, after all.  She had kindly offered to prepare a bento for him every day for lunch, though whether that was for his sake, or for the safety of the kitchen, he wasn’t sure. Either way, he was grateful… They ate their lunch in near silence, save for Yamaguchi’s mumblings, which grew increasingly more frustrated as he stared at his English worksheet. He must have been talking louder than he thought, because he soon found Tsukishima staring at him, eyebrow raised.

“Oh, sorry; I was just trying to figure something out… Hey, you finished your English worksheet right?  Can you tell me what the uhh- the direct object for number six is?” Tsukishima nodded, slipping off his headphones and scooting closer so he could read the sentence. 

“It’s that word.  The flowers.”

“It is?”

“Yeah.  To find the direct object, you first have to find the verb, which you did; gave. So then you have to ask, what is being given?  That would be the flowers. The man is giving the flowers, not his wife. She’s the indirect object because she’s on the receiving end of the action.  That’s how it works.” 

“Oh, ok; I think I get it now! You’re really smart, you know?”

Tsukishima scoffed.  “It’s just simple sentence structure.  It’s not that impressive.  The teacher could probably offer you better help with explaining grammar rules.” 

“No; no; it’s really good; you explained it just fine! I think I can do the rest of it now!”

“Ok.”  He scooted back to his original spot, much to Yamaguchi’s disappointment. He liked being close to the taller boy, sharing warmth as their shoulders pressed together, and their legs nearly touched.  He wanted that warm feeling back; he wanted to move closer again but he didn’t dare say that. Instead, he opted for saying something much safer. 

“Thank you.”

“Huh?”

“I said, thank you… For the homework help. It probably would have taken me forever to do on my own, so… Thanks- Tsu- Tsukishima.”

The blond boy sighed and pushed up his glasses. “Well don’t strain yourself… It’s fine, you know.” 

“What is?”

“What you called me this morning. Tsukki?” 

“Oh- you- you remember that?” Yamaguchi squeaked, his face turning red.  “I’m sorry- I just- I was… wait what?  It’s fine?” 

Another sigh.  “I don’t know where you got it from- though I fear it’s probably a nickname from some god-awful children’s cartoon… But if you’re gonna keep messing up my real name, Tsukki’s fine.  I guess.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”   

A smile spread across Yamaguchi’s face.   “Ok!  Thanks, Tsukki!” 

“You already said that, Yamaguchi” the blond boy mumbled, not looking up from his bento.  “Don’t make a big deal out of it.”

“Sorry, Tsukki,” he said, giggling. He could hardly take the taller boy seriously when he was mumbling and blushing and being this adorably awkward. This was definitely a Tsukishima that he wanted to see more of…

“Why are you laughing?” 

“Oh, no reason… I’m just happy is all.”

“…You’re weird.”

“Oh yeah?  Whatever you say, Mr. dinosaur erasers.”  I saw you have more than one. Tsukishima fell silent after that, but a few seconds later, Yamaguchi felt something hit him in the cheek.  It was a dinosaur eraser.  He grinned. All in all, it hadn’t been a bad day, for a day full of firsts.  First day of school, first nap on a desk, first encounter with a scary teacher, first lunch on a rooftop, first time being hit in the face with a dinosaur eraser- which he decided he was keeping, at least for now… And, most importantly, first time eating lunch with a friend.

“I want that back.”

 

A friend with many quirks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, guys! I'd like to say it's because I've been working on a really long and important chapter, but really it's just been school kicking my ass... I have been reading the comments though, I really appreciate them! So, as always, thanks for reading :) (Hope you're enjoying the horribly embarrassing couple to be)


	5. Only a Club

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Returns from exam week and final project hell and finally gets over writer's block* Sorry for the wait! The next chapter shouldn't take so ridiculously long

“Wait, you did _what_ to the principal’s wig?!” Yamaguchi asked, his voice so strained, it nearly cracked.  He wanted to shout out in surprise, but they were in a store, and a store was not the place for shouting.  Plus, he was never one to enjoy attracting too much attention from total strangers, so he tried to keep his voice down.  “What did you do?” he repeated, this time at a normal, more acceptable volume.

“Uhhh… Nevermind!” Hinata suddenly became fascinated by a pair of gym shoes at the other end of the aisle and started walking away, but Yamaguchi followed close behind. 

“Wait!  You can’t just say something like that and not finish!  What happened with the principal’s wig?”

“It… got knocked off his head with a volleyball… But **_I_** didn’t do it!  It wasn’t my fault! It was all that stupid Kageyama’s fault; he’s the one who threw a ball at my face!  Not my fault it bounced off and hit the principal’s fake hair.”

“Oh, Hinata…  How much trouble did you get in?  You didn’t get detention, did you?  Or suspended?”

“No, the principal didn’t punish us; he let us off with a warning… But the captain rejected our club applications! He said he won’t let me and Kageyama join the team until we stop fighting and learn to deal with each other! Can you believe that?”  

Yamaguchi bit down on his lower lip and looked away. “Well, I mean, he does have a point… You are eventually going to be teammates, so you’ll probably have to work together… at some point.”

“But Yamaguchi, you don’t understand; he _HATES_ me!”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that-”

“He did!  He called me useless!  He said he’d rather play every position by himself than work with me!”

“Hinata-”

That stupid arrogant jerk!”

“Hinata…” 

“How am I supposed to work with someone like that?!”

“Hinata!” Yamaguchi practically squeaked, grabbing onto his friend’s shoulders. “We’re- we’re in public, so can you please just… keep it down?”  He watched as his friend nodded, took a deep breath in, then a deep breath out, and only then did he release his shoulders.

“Ok… Yeah.  Sorry, Yamaguchi.  He just makes me mad is all. Really mad…” 

“I can see that.  And it’s completely understandable.  Kageyama sounds like a terrible person, but… Well, I’m sorry to tell you this, but the captain’s right.  You both obviously want to play volleyball, so unless one of you decides to change schools-”

“Change schools?  As in, get accepted into _another_ school? I barely got into this one!”

“Then you’re stuck with each other as teammates.”

“I know,” Hinata replied, though it sounded more like a low, unintelligible grumble than actual words.  “Doesn’t mean I have to like it... 

“You don’t have to like him; you just have to- you know, get along with him.”

“Get along with him?  How do I do that?”

“Well…” _Not trying to impale each other with volleyballs would be a start._ “I’m not really sure. I guess… don’t argue with him as much? At least not in front of the captain. Maybe try practicing together outside of the gym?  I’m sure you two will figure something out.  After all, it doesn’t matter how talented Kageyama is- he still needs permission to join the team too, and he won’t get it if he doesn’t work with you.”

“That’s true… You’re right!  I just gotta suck it up and team up with him, even though every time I see him I kind of what to hit him in the face with a volleyball so he can see what it feels like…  But being able to play volleyball is more important, so I’ll do it!  I mean… I _won’t_ do it! Yeah, you know what I mean… Thanks, Yamaguchi.” 

“Uhhh… You’re welcome?  I think?  Just, please hurry up and join the team, ok?  I’d really like someone I know to be there on my first day of practice. I’m really nervous.” That last part came out as a whisper, and Hinata didn’t seem to hear it because he just smiled and nodded as he strolled further down the aisle of volleyball shoes.  “Yeah, of course; I’ll be there as soon as I can! Not sure when that’ll be though… Ugh; ok I don’t even want to think about it right now- here, try these on; they look like your size.”  He thrust a pair of green and white shoes into Yamaguchi’s arms, and then forced him down onto one of the stools.  “It’s the brand I always buy, so I know for sure they’re good shoes.  Super comfy, durable, and I think they add an extra spring to your step, you know?”

Yamaguchi chuckled.  “I don’t think that’s the shoes.  I’m pretty sure that’s just because you like to jump around a lot.”

“Oh, just try ‘em on!" 

“Ok, ok…” Yamaguchi quickly laced up the sneakers and then pulled them on.   He stood up and walked up and down the aisle, seeing how it felt to move around in them. Hinata was right about the size.  And the comfort; he felt like he could stand for hours in these.  But he had other things to buy while he was here, so after a minute or two of walking around, he sat back down to take them off.

“Well, what did I tell you?” came Hinata’s voice from behind.  “Great, right?”

“Yeah; I think I’m gonna get these; thanks, Hinata.”

“No problem!  So what else do you need?”

“Uhh, well… Everything.  It’s been so long since I last played volleyball that even if I could find my old stuff, I don’t think any of it would fit.”   

“Ok, so… kneepads next then, I guess. Come on!”  He grabbed Yamaguchi’s arm and pulled him further into the sports shop, not even needing to check the signs to find the correct aisle, and only giving a brief “Here!” as a warning before jerking him to the left, into an aisle where there were in fact kneepads. 

“You know this place pretty well, huh?” Yamaguchi commented as he browsed the wall of protective gear.  “I’m glad I brought you along.” 

Hinata grinned.  “Yeah, well I come here a lot, since I wear my stuff out pretty quick… Hey, can I ask you something?” 

“Uhhh…. Sure.”  

“Since you asked me to come help you pick stuff out for volleyball, I guess it didn’t go well?”  

“Huh?  What didn’t go well?”

“When you asked Tsukishima to join the volleyball team.”

 

_Hinata never was one for subtlety._

 

Yamaguchi dropped the shoebox and the pair of kneepads he was holding.  “W-what makes you think I would ask him to join?” 

“Cause he’s your friend, and if he doesn’t join, you’re not gonna see him as much, so I just thought you would… Plus, he’s really really tall, and he’d probably be- good- at volleyball.” He choked out those last few words, as if it pained him to compliment Tsukishima.  Under normal circumstances, Yamaguchi would have found that funny, but right now, he could only think about Tsukishima, and the last conversation he’d had with him, causing him to grimace.

“Yeah, you’re right… I asked him.”

“And?”

 

* * *

 

 “You’re joining the volleyball club?” The way Tsukishima said it made it sound more like an accusation, rather than a question, making Yamaguchi flinch a little.

“W-well, yeah.  I’m going to turn in my application tomorrow.” 

“Why?”

“Uhh… I decided awhile ago that whenever I went back to school, that I was going to join a sports club and get stronger, and I figured volleyball because I’ve played it before.  My older cousins were on the volleyball team at their school, and  whenever we’d all get together for family parties, if the weather was nice, they’d take me out to the backyard and practice with me.  And I played in elementary school too- we had a team.  I was never a great player, but I did learn the basics of receiving and serving, so I at least know something about volleyball.  That’s more than I can say about the other sports here at Karasuno. S-so… Yes.  I’m joining the volleyball club.”

“No, I mean why are you telling me this?" 

“Because we’re friends, and-”

“You don’t need my permission to join. If that’s what you want, go ahead. I don’t care.”

“Ahh no, actually- actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to join with me.  I mean, I don’t know if you’ve ever played, but I’m sure they welcome beginners here too, and I’m barely more than a beginner myself, so we could learn together, and it could be fun… Plus, the school encourages joining a club; I hear it looks good on college applications, and since we both want to go to college someday, we should think about…” He trailed off, his voice barely above a whisper when he finally noticed the look on his friend’s face. 

Tsukishima’s eyes were cold and distant, and though they were looking in his direction, Yamaguchi realized that they were not looking at him, but rather through him, at some indeterminable far away object. His right hand gripped the chopsticks too tightly, and there was a slight tremble in his fingers. Right now, he couldn’t tell if the blond looked more frightened or angry.  Maybe both.  Or neither. Really, he looked more lost than anything else, like a coma patient who just woke up and can’t remember anything. But whatever emotion it was that caused Tsukishima to stare right through him as if he didn’t exist… he didn’t like it.  “Tsukki? Tsukki? …Tsukki?”

It was unnerving.  But finally, at the third call of his name, life slowly crept back into Tsukishima’s eyes, and the trembling stopped.  Yamaguchi let out a small sigh of relief before tentatively addressing the blond once again.  “Tsukki? Are you ok?  You don’t have to join the volleyball club if you don’t want to, you know; it was just an idea… We can still be friends, even if you don’t join.”  

There was a short pause.  A brief moment of silence.  Then he mumbled something that Yamaguchi couldn’t quite make out, though he could have sworn he heard, “ _Pathetic._ ” 

“What?”

“Like I said, I don’t care.  Do what you want.” Then he frowned and turned away to start packing up his things.

“Wait; you don’t have to go!  Did I say something wrong?  Tsukki!” But the blonde was already on his way back inside, his headphones pulled up over his ears.  Yamaguchi could hear the faint echoes of music from the speakers as he left, and he knew that calling after him would be pointless.  “Sorry, Tsukki…”

 

* * *

 

 As he thought back to the events of this afternoon, which had ended with him being forced to eat alone on the rooftop, disappointed and confused, Yamaguchi struggled to find the words to answer Hinata’s question.

“It didn’t go well,” he finally managed to say.

 

_That’s an understatement._

“Oh.”

‘Yeah, I don’t think he likes volleyball very much. Or sports clubs. Or any club, really…”

“I don’t think he likes _people_ very much!  …Sorry.” 

“No, no, you’re right; he doesn’t like people very much, except for-”

 

_Except for me? Is that true though? Does he even like me? Sometimes it seems like it, but then he goes and says stuff like that…_

 

He cleared his throat and started again. “I think I made him mad earlier when I asked him to join, and I’m not really sure why, but now he won’t talk to me, and I’ve probably lost my only friend in the class, and I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow when I have to see him again, but he’s probably going to ignore me, so I guess it doesn’t really matter, but still…” He felt heavier with each word he spoke, as the reality of his situation sunk in.  Tsukishima wouldn’t talk to him.  His only friend in class 1-4 didn’t want to bother with him anymore… His therapist was wrong.  _Talking about it_ was not always the answer.  _Talking about it_ would not always make things better. Sometimes, he decided, it was better to not say anything at all; to leave the truth unspoken and pretend that it didn’t exist.  This was how he felt right now as he stood there, eyes squeezed shut, trying not to cry, because then he really would be pathetic, just like Tsukishima said he was…

 

_No, stop; you don’t know for sure what he said._

 

“Yamaguchi?” came Hinata’s voice, after what seemed like a very long time.  “Are you ok?”

“I don’t know… I’m sorry,” he said, his voice shaking. “I didn’t mean to dump this all on you. I’m sorry…" 

“Hey; it’s ok; don’t apologize! I don’t mind.  I’m really sorry I asked- I didn’t mean to…” He paused for a moment, appearing to zone out before continuing in a more hushed, urgent tone. “Are you sure he doesn’t want to join though?  I think he might wanna join.”

Yamaguchi snapped out of his self-deprecating haze and opened his eyes.  “What makes you say that?  And why are you whispering?”

“Come on, Yamaguchi; you’re the smart one here; why do you think?”  

 

_Oh no._

“You don’t mean- seriously?  He’s here?” 

“Yeah, and he’s coming this way, just so you know…”

 

_I have to get out of here._

 

“Quick, hide!” 

His mind told him to run.  His body wouldn’t cooperate, and he remained frozen in place. Thankfully, Hinata noticed his dilemma and dragged him into the next aisle, where he breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks; that was close! But what is he doing here?”

“Hinata inched his way around the shelves and peeked into the aisle that they just ran out of.  “I dunno… Looks like he’s here to buy kneepads.”

“Get back over here!” Yamaguchi hissed. “He might see you!” He yanked on the redhead’s arm and dragged him back out of sight. 

“What did you want me to do?  You asked what he was doing so I found out for you!”

“Well did you have to be that obvious about it?”

“I was quiet!  I bet he didn’t even notice me; he looked pretty distracted; go see for yourself.”

“D-don’t push me!  Wait, Hinata, don’t- Alright; I’ll take a look!” He peeked around the corner, and sure enough, there was Tsukishima, selecting a pair of kneepads from one of the higher shelves.  He looked as cool and composed, and bored, as ever.  He didn’t seem to notice that anyone was watching him, and for a moment, Yamaguchi thought he was in the clear.  But, just like the last time something like this had happened, he thought wrong.

Very calmly, without even glancing in the brunette’s direction, Tsukishima held up his kneepads and said, “You want these.”

A startled “Eh?!” was all Yamaguchi could get out.

“I saw the ones you picked out. These are better.” He then reached up and grabbed a second pair, holding them out to Yamaguchi.  But when Yamaguchi refused to come any closer, he sighed. “You did come to buy volleyball gear, didn’t you?  Or did you just come to spy on me with your other friend, the stupid one?” 

An indignant, “Hey!” was heard from the next aisle over, but the blond ignored it and continued.  

“If you don’t want them, suit yourself. But he’s not very good at whispering. And you’re not very good at hiding.”

“Ahh, wait!” he said, approaching the taller boy. “I-I didn’t mean for it to look like we were spying on you; I was just… surprised to see you here I guess.”

“If you wanted to know what I’m doing here, you could have just asked.”  Yamaguchi blushed at this.  Now that he thought about it, hiding did seem childish.  It was probably the most ridiculous thing he could have done, actually.  

“I know… But you seemed angry when I asked you about volleyball before, so I guess… What are you doing here?”

“Buying volleyball gear.” 

“But I thought-”

“That I wouldn’t like anyone on the team? You’re right.  I won’t.  Too many loud, obnoxious boys hyped up about hitting a ball over a net.  I would have thought you would pick a better club to join. But I can’t…”  He seemed to struggle with what to say next; his brows furrowed in frustration.  Finally, he settled on, “You’re right.  Joining a club will look good on college applications.  So we might as well do it. 

“So that’s a yes?  You’re going to join?!”

“Don’t make me say it when you know the answer already." 

“Sorry, Tsukki!  I’m just got a little excited I guess.  This means we’ll get to play together!  You’re sure you want to do this, right?  Because… if you don’t want to, I understand. You don’t have to join for me or anything.”

“I’m not joining for you.  Volleyball is good exercise." 

“So you’re really ok with it?”

“You know, you talk about signing up for volleyball as if it’s a life-changing decision.  It’s only a club…  Now here, take these kneepads and put the other ones back; they won’t provide you with the support you need.” 

“Oh, ok.”  Yamaguchi did as he was told and switched his kneepads for the ones that Tsukishima picked out.  As he held them in his hands, he could already tell that these were better; the padding was thicker and firmer.  “Thanks, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes.  “You don’t have to thank me for something like that. I just don’t want to see you get hurt… because your kneepads suck…  That’s a stupid reason to… Anyway, do you have a water bottle? Why are you smiling?”

“Uh, what?  No, I’m not- maybe?  I had one in third grade…”

“That’s a no then.  Come on…”  He started walking and motioned for Yamaguchi to follow. 

“Coming!” he called, as he ran to catch up to the blond. 

“Why are you still smiling like that?" 

“Oh, no reason.”

 

_This is our second time hanging out outside of school and support group. Both times were his choice. Maybe I overreacted earlier. Maybe he does want to be around me._

“Well stop it; it’s weird.” 

“Sorry, Tsukki!  Hey, umm… after this, do you want to stop and get something at the café?” 

“Ok." 

“Great!  Oh, and Tsukki?”

“What?” 

“Shouldn’t we go tell Hinata he can come out now?” 

“Nah; leave him where he is until we’re ready to go. At least at the café, he’ll spend more time eating, and less time talking to me.”

“Tsukki!  That’s not nice.”

_I still think he was acting weird earlier…_

 

A smile tugged at the corners of Tsukishima’s lips- just for a moment, and then it was gone.  “I thought we’ve been over this already.  I’m not nice.  But if you have to get him...hurry up and do it already.” 

 

_But maybe that’s just Tsukki being… Tsukki_

 

‘Whatever you say, Tsukki.” 


	6. Curious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No, we're breaking in."

The captain smiled as he came into the gym, wheeling in a cart of volleyballs.  “Alright, lets see what you guys got!  We’ll start with some receives, so which one of you wants to go first?” Yamaguchi and Tsukishima exchanged a look, and then Yamaguchi asked the question that was on both of their minds. “Umm, Daichi-sa- err Captain… is this… tryouts?”

Daichi laughed and shook his head. “No, nothing like that! I’ll be honest; Karasuno has such a small team right now; we couldn’t afford to be selective, even if we wanted to.  So anyone who wants to be a part of this team can be.  We just like to test out the new members- get a sense of what your current skills are, so we know where to start.  I can assure you, there’s nothing to be nervous about.” He looked the two of them over before adding, “You two are pretty tall, especially you, Tsukishima, so you’ve already got that going for you.  I’m sure you’ll do fine.  So, who wants to go first?” 

“Umm… I guess I will.”  Daichi smiled and gave him a hard pat on the back.

“That’s the spirit, Yamaguchi! Now go on over to that side of the net, and I’ll start hitting the balls to you.  Don’t worry; we’ll start off slow, so just do the best you can, ok?”

“Ok!”

They stayed in the gym for nearly two hours, practicing the various basic elements of volleyball.  He quickly found that both he and Tsukishima were terrible at receives, and just average at serving.  Yamaguchi did try to do this cool serve he had seen one of his cousins use before, but after a few failed attempts, he realized that the jump float serve was more complicated than it looked, and he quickly switched back to the basic overhand serve.

At first, it was just them and the captain, but later the setter and vice captain arrived to help them practice their spikes. They both had some work to do on their spiking, though Tsukishima seemed to be slightly better at it than him. He never put a lot of power into his spikes, but they always went to just the right spot, hit at just the right angle, that they were apparently hard to receive.  The captain actually missed a handful of Tsukishima’s spikes, while he didn’t miss a single one of Yamaguchi’s.  Yamaguchi tried not to get discouraged by this; after all, it was only his first day.  He would get better.

Blocking was the last thing they did for the day, and that was where his and Tsukishima’s skills differed the most. Yamaguchi’s height helped him a little with stopping the ball, but height could only get him so far. Once the captain increased the speed and power of his spikes, one thing became clear.  He did not have a natural talent for blocking. Tsukishima did, though. He always seemed to know where the ball was going to go, and he was always there to try and stop it. Granted, he didn’t always stop the ball; sometimes his blocks weren’t strong enough, and the ball would slip through.  But he had one strong block at the end, where he jumped up and completely killed the ball’s momentum, and it fell to the floor, useless.  Clearly, middle blocker was the position that he was meant to play. As his feet touched the ground again, he shot a glare at the captain, and although the effect was diminished by the fact that he was still trying to catch his breath, this was the most lively and intense that Yamaguchi had seen him all afternoon.  And the most terrifying. 

The captain paid no mind to Tsukishima’s intimidating stares though.  Instead, he ducked under the net and gave his kohai an encouraging pat on the back, which, predictably, Tsukishima flinched away from.  But this didn’t seem to bother the captain either, because he just laughed and offered a lighthearted, “Sorry.  Anyway, good job today.  Obviously, you’ve got some things you’ll need to practice, but that block just now was good. Really good.  You’ve got potential… You too, Yamaguchi,” he said, looking over at the brunette.  “I saw what you were trying to do earlier, the jump float serve.  We don’t have anyone on our team who can do that, so if you can perfect that serve… It could be a powerful weapon in matches.”

Yamaguchi brightened considerably at this. “Thank you, Captain! I- I’ll do my best!" 

“That’s what I like to hear!  All right, we’re done for today, and we don’t have practice tomorrow, but there’ll be early morning practice at 7am on Monday, so both of you, be sure to get plenty of rest this weekend, got it?" 

“Got it!”

“Ok,” Tsukishima chimed in quietly, with a shrug. The intensity was gone from his eyes, and his usual calm and cool demeanor had returned.  “We’ll be off then, if there’s nothing else.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” said Sugawara. “I think we’ve worked you guys hard enough for today, right Daichi?”

“Yeah, I guess so.  Have a good weekend, guys!  See you on Monday!” 

“Bye!” the two of them called out in unison, as they left the gym.  Tsukishima’s headphones were out of his bag and around his neck before the doors even shut completely behind them.  He sighed and turned to Yamaguchi. “Finally.  I thought he’d never let us leave.”

“I know, right?  It was good practice though, and the third years seemed pretty nice. Especially Sugawara-san… And you were incredible, Tsukki!  Well, your blocking was, anyway- I mean you tracked the captain’s moves perfectly!” 

“It’s not that impressive.  It was only one spiker, and he wasn’t exactly creative in the variation of where he hit the balls to on the court.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true,” the brunette admitted, his shoulders slumping.  “But still, you did better than I did.  A lot better, actually… I guess this just means I’m not very good at volleyball, huh?”

 

_Geeze, Yamaguchi, stop feeling sorry for yourself and pull it together! Getting discouraged after one lousy practice?  Pathetic… Look; oh great, now I made him feel uncomfortable; he’s gone quiet again…_

“Ahh, sorry about that… You don’t have to answer that; I just got a little-”

 “No, you’re not very good.”  But he answered anyway.

“Oh.  Ok…”

“But you only played for what? One or two years? I played for five. It’s only natural that I’m better than you.  I wouldn’t stress about it though; you’ll catch up soon enough.  Maybe not to the peewee giant 2.0, or whatever he calls himself, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not like you’re riding your whole future on this sport.  Athletic scholarships are only for people who don’t have the brains to make it into university on their own, after all…” 

Yamaguchi offered his friend a small smile. “Little giant,” he said quietly. 

“Hm?”

“It’s little giant; Hinata always says he wants to be the next little giant.”

“Oh.  I like peewee giant better.  I think it suits him.”

“Tsukki!”

“What?” 

“Tsukki; that’s kind of mean… But thanks.” 

“For mocking your friend?”’’

“Yeah- wait no!  No, for what you said before that.  I actually think I feel better about sucking at volleyball; at least for now. So, thanks.” 

“Oh.  Well, sure. Ok, I’m going home to change. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Ahh, wait!  You umm- you said you’ve played volleyball before too- what position did you play? Were you a blocker?”

Tsukishima seemed to think long and hard about whether he wanted to answer or not; it seemed like he was leaning towards not. But finally, he answered, “Yes.” This only brought about more questions that Yamaguchi wanted to ask, like what school did he play for? Were they any good? Did they play in tournaments? Yamaguchi’s team hadn’t been good enough to play in any official tournaments, even by elementary school club standards, so he’d always loved hearing about what tournaments were like. But one look at Tsukishima told him that the blond wasn’t up for answering any more questions about it. His headphones were up, and his body language clearly said, that’s all I’m going to tell you.  So when Yamaguchi didn’t say anything else, the taller boy muttered another goodbye and headed off towards his house. 

“Oh, but… umm… Wait!” Yamaguchi ran to catch up to catch up with the blond, who gave him a strange look for following him.

“What?” 

“Oh, it’s just… I’m going this way too.” 

“Why?  Don’t you have to go home?”

“Ahh, well, I’d like to, but … I’m kind of locked out of my house until my mom gets home at 9,” he said sheepishly. “I left my house key at home today.”

“Don’t you have a spare hidden somewhere?” He asked it like it was so obvious, like everyone else on the planet had a spare key, and he was the only idiot who didn’t.  He probably was the only idiot who didn’t. 

Yamaguchi looked down at his shoes. “No… But it’s ok. I’m just going to hang out at the café until it’s time to go to support group.  It’s not a big deal.”

“Well, that’s stupid.” 

“Yeah, I know… I really need to remember better to bring important stuff with me to school, like my books, and my homework, and my house key, apparently; because wow, only, what, the fourth day of school, and I forgot all three today; I am just all over the place, and I’m sorry for talking so much, Tsukki; I guess I-” 

“That’s not what I meant.” Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “I don’t care that you forgot your stuff today; I was talking about…   You need a shower.  And a change of clothes.” 

“Huh?”

“Well do you really want to go tonight looking like that?”

“O-of course not!  But it’s not like I have a choice.”

“Actually, you do… Because you’re coming to my house.”

“I… I am?”

“I’m inviting you over, you idiot.”

“You are?”

“That’s what I just said, so… yeah.”

“Really?”

“You know, I’m not really sure what’s so hard to understand about this.  I’m not an expert on this friend thing, but isn’t this something normal that friends do? Invite each other to hang out, or whatever?” 

“Oh… yeah…”  Yamaguchi smiled.  “Though I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to call your friend an idiot when you ask them to come over.”

“You are if they’re acting like one. Especially when you know that they’re not.” 

“I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a compliment or not, but thanks… I think.  So, where do you live exactly?  Oh, uhh wow, that sounded much less creepy in my head; sorry!”

“I don’t know.  I don’t remember the block number.  All I know is that when you get to a park, you take a right, then you take the second left, and my house is on the left.” 

“Ooh, a park?  Which one?  Hideki? Hotaru?”

“Does it look like I have any idea?”

“Ahh, right, sorry!  I forgot you’re still kind of new here… I guess we’ll find out which park when we get there.” 

The park in question turned out to be Hideki Park, which Yamaguchi was very familiar with.  It was the park with a swing set at the top of the hill, where, if he was able to get a turn to use it, he could get an incredible view of the park, from the children’s playground, to the flower gardens, to the large pond with a fountain in the middle that lit up and changed colors at night.  Of course, there was always a line for the swings, so he rarely ever got the chance to use them.  But when he did, it was wonderful- the breeze blowing through his hair, the view of the world down below him, everything so much smaller, the sensation of flying… It was one of the few places where he could forget that he was all alone; where he didn’t even mind being alone. Though if he’d had had someone sitting next to him, someone to share the view with, he wouldn’t have complained… 

He was effectively snapped out of his thoughts when Tsukishima grabbed his hand.  “W-what are you doing?” he asked.

Tsukishima looked mildly startled, but he made no move to drop his hand.  Instead, he gripped his hand tighter and pulled him across the street.  Only when they were safely across did he finally let go. “Well, now that you’re paying attention,” he huffed, “I said second left.  This is the second left.  Right here.” 

“Oh.  Yeah, I guess it is.  Sorry, Tsukki! I was thinking about that park; I used to go there a lot as a kid.  It’s really pretty.  You should check it out sometime, if you haven’t already.” 

“Not a chance.”

“Why not?”

“There’s a playground at that park. Playgrounds mean children. Screaming, obnoxious children. There’s already enough of those at school, so I’ll pass.”

“Tsukki!  They’re… not _that_ bad… What if we went at night?  I mean you? I mean, I could go too, if you wanted, but if you wanted to be alone, that’s fine too…” He stopped when he saw the taller boy head up the walkway to one of the houses.  It was a large, white, two-story house; with a tiled roof, and numerous windows.  The front yard, which looked well kept, was surrounded by a wrought iron gate that he could have easily climbed over, had the gate been locked.  Clearly, it was just for decoration, meant to make the house look fancier.  It was working… His jaw dropped a little as he took it all in.  “Tsukki… You live here?” 

“Nope.  We’re breaking in.”  Tsukishima rolled his eyes at Yamaguchi’s confusion as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a key. “Come on, Yamaguchi.” 

“Right.  Sorry, Tsukki!”

They passed through the set of oak-wood double doors and stepped into the entryway.  The inside was even more fancy than the outside, with its glossy mahogany floors and high ceilings.  He couldn’t see much of the living room from where he stood, but what he could see was white carpeting, a glass end-table, and what looked like a leather sofa… or was it a day bed? He wasn’t sure, but whatever it was, it looked like it had never been sat in.  In fact, now as he took a second look around, he noticed that the whole house, at least the parts that he could see, had that sort of appearance- pristine, untouched.  The glass had no smudges, the floor had no dust or dirt on it, and there was no clutter anywhere. No other shoes lying around no picture frames, or wall decorations…  But surely this was because Tsukishima and his family were new here. They just hadn’t broken the house in yet. Either that, or they had a really good housekeeper…  Maybe both…

When he finally stopped gawking at his surroundings, he noticed that Tsukishima had already taken off his shoes and was looking at him expectantly. 

“Oh… you’re- you’re waiting for me; whoops!” He hastily set down his bag and slid off his shoes, calling out a “Sorry for the intrusion!” before following Tsukishima upstairs.

“Just so you know, you didn’t have to say that, Yamaguchi” he said quietly.  “Nobody else is home.  That’s why I used the key.”

“Sorry.  Force of habit, I guess… Your house is really nice, by the way, Tsukki! And so clean too! You can almost see your reflection on the floors!  It’s never that clean where I live…”

Tsukishima shrugged.  “It’s only this clean because our housekeeper came today. She comes a few times a month.” 

“Wait, you actually have a housekeeper?!”

“Yeah.  My mom goes out of town a lot.  Doesn’t have the patience to clean when she’s home.”  Tsukishima stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned to face Yamaguchi. He pointed to the door on the right. “That’s the guest bathroom; you can shower there.  There’s extra towels in the cabinet under the sink.  And I’ll… find you some clean clothes for you to change into if you want.” 

“Yeah, that’d be great.  Thanks, Tsukki!”

“Sure.”  And with that, he left, disappearing into what Yamaguchi could only assume was his bedroom.

 

_I wonder what Tsukki’s room looks like… Maybe I could sneak a peek… He’s probably getting undressed, but.  No.  Stop right there, Yamaguchi.  Don’t be weird.  He’s probably beautiful without his shirt on, but don’t be weird._

Yamaguchi did get to see Tsukishima’s room that evening, though it was missing Tsukishima at the time.  After his shower, he changed into the clothes that were sitting outside the door.  They fit well enough, though the shirt was slightly longer than what he was used to, and he had to roll up the pants a little bit.  Then he headed down the hallway, stopping outside the only door that wasn’t closed all the way.  “Tsukki? You in there?” he asked. There was no answer, but that wasn’t unusual for Tsukishima, and he wasn’t really sure where else to look at the moment, so he went in anyway.  “Sorry for the intrusion… Tsukki?” 

Tsukishima wasn’t in here, but it was obvious that this was his bedroom.  Because unlike the rest of the house, this room looked lived in.  Sure, it was still much cleaner than Yamaguchi’s room right now; probably cleaner than it would ever be, but the blond’s personality could definitely be seen in here.  The walls were a soft, calming blue, and the only light was coming from the lamp on his nightstand, and the natural sunlight from outside. There weren’t any posters, but there were little glow-in-the-dark plastic stars and planets stuck to the back wall behind his bed.  Yamaguchi giggled at the thought of stoic, serious, 15-year-old Tsukishima putting up these things that were normally only seen in children’s bedrooms.  It was cute.  Though not quite as cute as the stuffed dinosaur tail he saw peeking out from underneath one of the pillows…

On the wall closest to the door, there was a black desk and swivel chair.  The desk itself was generic and could have belonged to anyone; it was the all the books and CD’s, as well as the dinosaur erasers sitting on it that made the space unique. A few glass shelves hung above the desk, and on them were more books, a few dinosaur models, some fossils, and on the very top shelf was a small wooden chest and a trophy. Yamaguchi couldn’t read the engraving on it, but it looked like it was for volleyball.  Apparently, Tsukishima was good at volleyball; probably better than he let on, if he won an award for it in the past.

There was an acoustic guitar to the left of the desk; it sat proudly perched on a stand, so that it didn’t have to touch the floor, so it was obviously viewed as something important.  Tsukishima had a guitar.  Tsukishima _played_ guitar. He didn’t know why he found this so surprising, given the boy’s constant obsession of listening to music. Briefly, he wondered why the blond hadn’t joined the music club, rather than the volleyball club, but then he decided that it didn’t really matter.  It was selfish of him, but he was really glad that Tsukishima didn’t join the music club, because he would have never been able to follow him there. After all, he didn’t know the first thing about playing music, and he doubted the music club would want someone like that to join them. 

The only part of the room Yamaguchi didn’t look at was the closet, which was closed, and he decided to keep it that way. That was too big of an invasion of privacy to go looking in there, and besides, he still needed to find Tsukishima, who was clearly not in here.  He went over to the nightstand to turn off the lamp, when he noticed a small orange pill bottle sitting beside it.  It was filled nearly to the top with small white ovals.  He frowned and squinted at the label.  He thought they looked familiar, but he didn’t recognize the name; it was the long, fancy doctor’s name for the drug, so it may has well have been in another language.  It really could have been anything.  Not that it was any of his business, he reminded himself.  So with that in mind, he turned off the light and left the room, shutting the door behind him.

“What are you doing?”  He spun around to find Tsukishima standing at the top of the staircase, looking mildly irritated. 

“Tsukki! I- was- I, uhh…” He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly as he tried to explain exactly what he was doing. “I was looking for you!”

“Not very well.  I’ve been downstairs this whole time, you know.”

“Oh… have you?  Well, I may have gotten sidetracked, by… looking around your room a bit… I’m sorry, Tsukki! Please don’t be mad; I was just curious!”

Tsukishima gave him a blank stare. “Curious about what?”

“About you.” 

 

_Did I really just say that?_


	7. Illusion

_Did I really just say that?  Out loud? Ugh; I did! Why?_

“Curious… about me…” Tsukishima said slowly. “But why?” 

“Because I think you’re cool.” Yamaguchi could have kicked himself.  “I- I mean, uh your room is cool!  I’ve never been to your house before, so I wanted to check it out for a minute, since I was curious and just wanted to see what it looked like, you know?  Plus, at first, I thought you might have been in there, but then you weren’t, and then I, well I… I’m sorry, Tsukki; I’m sorry!”

Tsukishima looked at him long and hard. He tried to wipe the nervous smile off his face, but he found it was nearly impossible to do so when the taller boy wouldn’t stop staring at him like he was examining his very soul. Finally, he asked, “Did you break something?”

“No!  I mean, no. No, I didn’t break anything.”

“Then quit apologizing.  It’s annoying.”

“Sorry- er, ok… I’ll stop.”

“Good… Are you hungry?”  

“After that practice?  Yeah, I’m starving!  …Ahh, but you don’t have to make food for me or anything, but if you had any snacks or something like that, that would be great… If it’s not too much trouble?”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes.  “Idiot.  What do you think I was doing downstairs this whole time?”

“Wait, seriously?  You mean, you-“

“Yeah.  I made dinner. It’s ready, and it’s probably starting to get cold, so come on.” And with that, he turned and started down the steps, motioning for Yamaguchi to follow him. 

The kitchen looked exactly as he’d expected it to; it was clean, just like the rest of the house.  Very clean; far too clean for a kitchen, in his opinion. In fact, if it wasn’t for the small mess on the stove from where Tsukishima had prepared the food, it might have looked like a display kitchen in one of those model homes that nobody actually lived in, the ones that were only meant for tours.  Even the dining room furniture looked untouched, and he almost felt guilty for sitting in one of the chairs, feeling as though he was ruining the room’s perfection somehow.  Of course, he knew that it was ridiculous to think like that, but nevertheless, he exercised extreme caution as he brought his plate to the table, making sure not to spill anything.  His behavior earned him a strange look from Tsukishima, but the blond didn’t say anything; he just sat down and started eating, and Yamaguchi followed suit.

“This is good… This is really good! Thanks, Tsukki!”

“You don’t have to exaggerate, you know,” Tsukishima said in between mouthfuls.  “It wasn’t that big of a deal to make; it’s a pretty basic dish.”

“No, I mean it; it tastes great!” It’s true that this was a simple stir-fry dish, but the noodles were cooked perfectly, the vegetables were cooked perfectly, and the sauce was just the right balance of sweet and savory. Ok, so maybe it was a little on the sweet side, but this wasn’t too surprising coming from _sweet-tooth Tsukki_ , and it’s not like it was too sweet, plus nothing was burnt, so it was automatically infinitely better than anything he could make himself… He tried conveying all of this to his friend, but all that came out was, “It’s not burnt at all!” to which Tsukishima snorted, causing Yamaguchi’s cheeks to turn red. 

“I see you have such high culinary standards, he teased.  “Glad I was able to meet them by not setting the kitchen on fire.”

Yamaguchi’s cheeks turned even redder. “Ahh, but… I actually sort of did that once.”

“Sort of?”

“Ok, not sort of.  I did.  I set the kitchen on fire… It was just a small fire though!  I had it mostly put out by the time the fire department came, so it wasn’t really that big of a deal; there was just a lot of smoke, so it looked worse than it was, but the neighbors were concerned, so…” By this point, he had stopped eating and was now hunched over the table, his face buried in his hands. “Oh god, I don’t know why I’m telling you this; you probably think I’m an idiot now… Don’t tell anyone, ok?”

“Well, I don’t know.  I mean, I was thinking about telling all my wonderful friends at school that you can’t cook to save your life.  You know how much I love to gossip.” Yamaguchi slowly lifted his head and looked up at the blond, who had the hint of a smirk on his face. Or was that a smile? 

“Is… is that a joke?”

“Yeah.  It’s a joke.  But… what the hell were you trying to make?”

“Umm… pasta.”

“How did you manage to burn pasta?” 

“I don’t know… I don’t think I read the instructions on the box carefully enough, and I’m also pretty sure the stove just doesn’t like me, so there’s that… But mainly it’s because I suck at cooking, so I have to rely on my mom to make everything for me. It’s kind of embarrassing.”

Tsukishima shrugged.  “Not really.  But if it bothers you that much, I could teach you a few things.  I’m not an expert, but I do know how to make pasta… without involving the fire department.”

At this, Yamaguchi cracked a smile. “Wow, really? That’d be great; I’d love some help! It’ll be like my own little private cooking class.  Thanks, Tsukki!”

“Yeah, sure.  So I guess… Come over again next week, and you can help me cook.”

“Actually, I think I should just watch you cook first. One step at a time, you know?”

“Are you really that bad?”

“Yes.  And I don’t want to ruin your kitchen.  So maybe I’ll just- hand you ingredients?”

“Ok." 

“So… Next week then?  Your place?”

“Yeah.  If you think that you can handle it.”  This time it was definitely a smile. 

 They went back to eating in a more comfortable silence, until Yamaguchi noticed that it was starting to get dark and remembered what day it was.  Hastily, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time.  “Oh, crap!  Tsukki, we’ve gotta go!” 

“Go where?”

“To support group. We’re going to be late if we don’t leave soon.”

“So?”

“Tsukki…” 

Tsukishima shrugged.  “Fine, fine.  Let’s go.”

Yamaguchi grabbed his backpack, Tsukishima grabbed a jacket and his headphones, and then they left, locking the door behind them. They were halfway down the street when Yamaguchi remembered he was still wearing his friend’s clothes. He smiled, unrolling the sleeves, and allowing them to slide over his hands.   He knew he probably looked a little silly like this, but the sleeves shielded his hands from the chill of the wind, so for now, he was happy to be in an oversized shirt.  It made him feel warm and safe and protected. 

 

_Maybe I should start buying my own oversized shirts to wear around the house_ , he mused. _Maybe I can keep this one for tonight_. 

 

He hummed along quietly to the music he heard coming out of Tsukishima’s headphones, as they walked to the community center. He couldn’t make out any of the lyrics, but somehow the tune felt familiar, as did the sweet and soothing acoustics. It was funny; he never would have guessed that this tall, seemingly intimidating boy would have such a soft, and arguably romantic taste in music. 

Looking at the cold, neutral expression on the boy’s face now, he doubted anyone else would have guessed it either. But then again, that was probably the way he wanted it.  He had an image to maintain. Though, after seeing his room, Yamaguchi was finding it hard not to see right through the illusion, even as the other boy shot a glare in his direction.  Apparently, he had been giggling just a bit too loudly, and the blond was practically demanding to know why.  Yamaguchi waved his suspicion off and told him it was nothing; he’d just remembered something funny, but then he saw Tsukishima pull out his phone, and after that, the music was much harder for him to hear.  It was a little bit disappointing, but he didn’t say anything about it; he just bit down on his lower lip and tried not to smile at the hint of red on Tsukishima’s cheeks.  Soon, he would have to tell him that his music was nothing to be embarrassed about, but not today. Tsukishima’s blush was just too cute.

 

_Cute? Great, now he’s cute; as if it wasn’t bad enough when he was just gorgeous and completely unattainable; now he’s cute too… Ok… Ok.  Meeting, Yamaguchi; we have a meeting in 20 minutes, so now is not the time for this. Just act natural, even though you’re wearing his shirt.  And his pants. But that’s ok because he’s your friend now.  Just your friend. It’s not weird. Definitely not weird._

Yamaguchi was still having an internal struggle of what he was going to say if anybody noticed that he was wearing someone else’s pants, when he was snapped out of it by an elbow jab in the arm. 

“Hey,” Tsukishima said abruptly. “We’re here.”

“Oh, sorry, Tsukki!  I guess I just kind of zoned out.”    

“You do that a lot,” he mumbled. “Keep doing that, you’ll get yourself hit by a car… Idiot…”

As they entered the room, Yamaguchi briefly noticed that the music had gotten louder again, but it had changed. Instead of soft acoustics, powerful electric cords reverberated from the headphones, and the singer’s voice didn’t sound quite as kind.  He only heard it for a few seconds though; once they approached the circle of chairs, he was met with a tackle hug from a certain redhead. 

“Yamaguchi; hi!! I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“We literally saw you yesterday,” Tsukishima deadpanned as he turned the volume on his music up a little higher.

Hinata pouted.  “Yeah, well… It still feels like forever, you know?  School drags on and on, especially when there’s no volleyball to look forward to afterwards.  But speaking of that, how was your first day?  Was it fun?  Was it hard? How’s the rest of the team? Are there any other cool spikers?!”

Yamaguchi laughed at the flood of questions. “It was fine; it was really tiring though.  And only the captain and vice captain were there, since it wasn’t a regular practice, so we didn’t get to meet anyone else yet.  Those two seemed nice though.”

“Well that’s good!  So what’d you guys do then?”

“A little of everything.  The captain just wanted to get an idea of our current skills.”

“And?  How’d you do?”

“I did ok overall.  Tsukki was a lot better than me though; you should have seen some of his blocks!”  He looked behind him, only to find that Tsukishima had already gone to take a seat inside the circle. “You know, we should probably go join him,” he suggested. “If we want to sit together.”

They sat down next to Tsukishima, who was in another world entirely at this point, but it ended up not mattering. Hinata continued to bombard him with questions and advice on how to hit more powerful spikes, until Takeda finally started the meeting. 

“Hi everyone,” he said, his voice a quiet and a little raspy.  He cleared his throat and tried again.  “Sorry about last week; I felt really awful on Thursday and didn’t want to risk passing what I had onto any of you.  Now, I’m not contagious anymore, but as you can probably tell… my voice is still not that great, so I’m going to keep the time that I talk very short for you guys, and that way you can spend more time talking to each other tonight.  Sound good?”  Most people in the room nodded.  “Great. You’ll be working in pairs tonight, but before we get to that, does anyone have anything they’d like to share?”

Group sharing didn’t take very long. There were only about five or six people who had something to say tonight, and surprisingly, Hinata was not one of them.  They all talked about similar things- they talked about the new school year starting, and how they were nervous about their grades, about their classes, about the people in their classes… Things like that.  Though Yamaguchi hadn’t been paying attention the entire time, it still made him feel better to know that he wasn’t the only one worried about school. It made him feel more normal, and for him, that was always a good thing. 

Once there was no one left who wanted to share, Takeda spoke up again.  “All right, first of all, thank you to everyone who spoke today.  It seems like a lot of you have some concerns and anxieties about school, which is completely natural, since the school year has just started for most of you, and for the rest of you, it’s going to start this coming Monday.  I promise we’ll have a more organized session next week, but for tonight, I just want you to find a partner, someone you feel comfortable talking with. And then, if you can, I want you to talk about everything that’s on your mind- everything you’ve been stressing out over this week, or the past couple weeks.  Just get it all out in the open, ok?  I know it can be hard to do this, but talking about a fear out loud to someone you trust reduces the power it has over you.  And sometimes, you find out that you’re not the only one with that fear.  For example, how many of you have concerns about the new school year, in one form or another?” Nearly everyone raised their hands. “See?  So to you six people who shared tonight, you’re not alone. Of course, talking about a fear or anxiety doesn’t make it go away completely, so I also want you help each other think of ways to reduce some of these anxieties.  What’s worked for you in the past?  What hasn’t worked?  Keep in mind that your discussions don’t have to be about school, or classes; that’s just a common theme I was noticing tonight, but feel free to talk about whatever’s on your mind, and then we’ll talk more about it as a big group next week. And with that, I’ll turn the class over to you guys, so go ahead and find a partner.” 

Yamaguchi felt a hand drop down on his shoulder, and he knew his selection had already been made for him.  Not that he would have chosen any differently- Hinata had several other friends in this group; in fact, he was scampering off to join one of them now. Plus, he felt partially responsible for Tsukishima’s bad mood, as it was his idea to come to the meeting tonight, when Tsukishima clearly hadn’t wanted to.  He frowned at the agitated look on the blond’s face.  His headphones were down, but that was probably only out of respect for Takeda, and not out of actual interest.

“Tsukki?” he tried.  To his surprise, he was met with those golden eyes right away. 

“Yeah?”

“We should probably start.”

“Ok.”  He folded his arms and leaned back in his chair, looking at Yamaguchi expectantly.

“Umm… ok, well, I guess I'll go first...  It's like I told you last week, I'm kind of nervous being back in school, but so far it's been all right.  I haven't exactly made all that many friends, but nobody's really been bothering me either.  Well, I mean, there was this one boy who shoved me out of the way in the cafeteria when I bought my lunch on Tuesday, but other than that...  Ahh, but it's ok, Tsukki- really!"  He was quick to backpedal as soon as he saw the grave expression on his friend's face.  "I don't think he really meant to; I just think he didn't see me is all; it was pretty packed in there, and I was in the way..."  

His voice sped up as he spoke, and his pitch raised a couple of octaves.  He was pretty sure that Tsukishima didn't believe him- he wasn't even sure if he believed himself, but he didn't want his friend to worry, so he kept going.  "A-anyway, right now, I think I'm more afraid of some of the teachers we have, like our homeroom teacher, especially.  Did you see the look on her face when I forgot my book the other day?  You would have thought I’d told her I killed someone, she looked so mad!  I nearly had a panic attack…” Again, Tsukishima looked at him with what resembled concern.  It took him a minute to figure out why.  “Oh. Oh!  Not literally a panic attack; I’m sorry!  That was probably a dumb thing to say in a place like this, huh? No, I was just really nervous because she was so angry, and the rest of the class was staring at me…” He swallowed. “But it’s ok… I’ve only ever had a real panic attack twice in my life, and the last one was years ago… And it didn’t hurt that you offered to share your book with me for the rest of class… Thanks for that, by the way.  I know she was still mad, but- it helped.”

“It wasn’t a big deal.  I wouldn’t forget it again though.  She might actually kill you next time.” 

“You don’t need to tell me that; believe me… Hmmm… Other than that though, I think this week went ok; I’m still nervous about not being good enough at volleyball, but I guess all I can do is practice. What about you, Tsukki? Anything you’re nervous about?” 

“No.” Yup, he’d seen that one coming. Tsukishima wasn’t exactly the sharing type, especially not right away, so he decided to try again. 

“You sure?  I mean, not like you look nervous or anything; you actually look really calm most of the time which I think is amazing.  But high school’s really stressful, and, well, we’re all here for a reason, so it wouldn’t be weird if you were worried about something…”

“Well I’m not.”  Yamaguchi winced at his harsh tone.

“Ok... But, you know, just because you're not worried about the things I'm worried about, doesn't mean you're not worried about something.  And whatever it is, it's not any less important to talk about than what I've told you.  Anxiety comes in a lot of different forms, Tsukki…”  _Which form do you have?_  was what he wanted to ask, but he knew better.  He knew that he couldn’t just force an answer out of his friend like that, nor did he want to try.  He wanted Tsukishima to open up to him because he wanted to, not because he felt like he had to. 

Tsukishima stayed silent after that, staring at the tiled floor below him.  He looked like he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t quite find the words for it. He was conflicted. Either that, or he was about to throw up. Hopefully, it wasn’t the latter. Yamaguchi was beginning to wonder if he’d pushed too hard, when he heard a soft, “Yeah, you’re right,” from the taller boy.  But that was it, and he had a feeling that this would be it for the rest of the night if he didn’t change the subject. 

“So… what do you want to talk about then? It’s your turn to pick.” 

“I don’t care.  Anything… Anything but volleyball.  I’ve had my fill for today.”

“Hmmm… Anything?”  He might have been pushing his look tonight, but he saw an opportunity, and he took it.  “So… can we talk about that guitar in your room?”

That got Tsukishima’s attention. He quickly lifted his head and turned to give Yamaguchi an inquisitive stare.  “What about it?” 

“Oh, I just saw it in your room today. I didn’t know you played, and I think that’s really cool.  How long have you been playing?” 

“Seven years.”

“Wow!  So you must be really good then, huh?”

“I guess.” 

“Have you ever played for anyone? Besides your family, of course.”

“No.”

“…Would you?” 

“Tch.  I don’t know why you’re asking me such weird questions.”

“So… Is that a maybe?”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” 

“Ok, Tsukki,” he said with a smile. “New topic.  What’s your favorite kind of dinosaur?” 

“I’m never letting you in my room again.”

They never returned back to the subject of fears that night, nor did Yamaguchi get Tsukishima to agree to play a song for him. But for now, that was ok; their friendship was still new.  And so for now, Tsukishima had an image to maintain… or at least the illusion of an image.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! (And wow guys; thanks for all the bookmarks; there's a lot more of you guys then when I last checked :3). Hope everyone's enjoying Tsukkiyama fest; I know I am!


	8. Used to

It was four weeks into the school year, and there were some things that Yamaguchi had gotten used to, and some things that he definitely hadn’t.  For example, he was used to getting up three times a week for early morning volleyball practice.  Even with his thoughts keeping him up for hours some nights, he was naturally a morning person, and so he easily slipped into the routine of waking up at 5:45, every Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.  He was not, however, used to seeing Tsukishima up for early morning practice. Though he had already suspected it, the taller boy’s bleary eyes, unkempt hair, and overall disheveled appearance that first Monday morning had confirmed it; Tsukishima was not a morning person.  And, he probably never would be, if Yamaguchi had to guess.  Tsukishima was not himself before nine, and not his best before noon. This wasn’t temporary; this was a fact of life.  Sure, he was hanging in there for the physical aspect of practice, but he was mentally checked out, and largely unaware of anything outside of the practice drills. In fact, the week before, during Kageyama and Hinata’s first morning practice with the team, Hinata had taken a receive to the face and fallen on his ass, giving Tsukishima the perfect opportunity to make some snide remark.  But he hadn’t said anything; in fact, he hadn’t even seemed to notice- just continued to stare off into space while waiting for the next serve.  It wasn’t as if he’d wanted him to make fun of Hinata; he’d just expected it, so when the teasing didn’t come, it struck him as odd. So odd, he’d even wondered if the blond was feeling sick that day.  But now he knew better; now he knew that this was the norm, and that after a hot shower, and a power nap at his desk before class, that Tsukishima would always return to his usual self, which arguably wasn’t much livelier, but a lot more focused, and definitely less zombie like.  But knowing this didn’t make him any more used to seeing the change; he was still astounded by the difference between before and after practice (both in attitude and in level of bedhead).

As for during class, Yamaguchi was used to blending in, to trying his hardest not to be noticed by others.   And for the most part, that proved to be easy.  He was just that awkward kid who had fumbled through his introduction to the class on the first day; he hadn’t said anything interesting, but he hadn’t done anything to embarrass himself either.  That boy in the cafeteria hadn’t bothered him again, and neither had any of his friends, though he was pretty sure that was due to his new six-foot-one bodyguard, who could make anyone flinch just by looking at them.  His teachers almost never called on him in class, not that he minded. In fact, he was relieved that most of them didn’t even seem aware of his presence.  Outside of volleyball practice, he was pretty much invisible, and he was completely fine with that.  He knew that invisibility wasn’t something to strive for, but compared to the bullying and name calling that he’d dealt with before, invisibility was wonderful. Or at the very least, it was an improvement.  He knew that he should probably try and be more social, to put himself out there more, and maybe someday he would, but for now, two friends, nine other teammates, a coach, a manager, and a therapist was really all he could handle in his social circle, outside of support group.  And for him, that was already a lot of people to have to interact with on a regular basis.   He didn’t need anyone else just yet.

After class and afternoon practice, Yamaguchi was used to walking home, reflecting on his day, on what had gone well, and what hadn’t.  What he wasn’t used to was having someone to walk home with, someone he could talk with about his day.  Or, at least talk _to_.  Tsukishima wasn’t always in a talking mood; sometimes he would only nod or grunt in affirmation, but he was always there to listen, right up until they went their separate ways to go home.  But they weren’t going their separate ways today, because today was Thursday.

It had never been established as a regular thing, but ever since that first Thursday, Yamaguchi would follow his blond friend home, and they would unwind from the day together; they would talk, listen to music, do homework, and then have dinner before heading off to support group in the evening.  It hadn’t been happening long enough to be considered a routine, but with four Thursdays in a row now, and counting, he was starting to think that it might become one.   He certainly hoped it would...

“Hey, Mom? Mom?”

There was a long pause, followed by the sound of tapping keys, and quiet murmurs of frustration. Then, finally,

“Tadashi?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Hi, Sweetie. Sorry about that! I was sending a text when you called, and you know how good I am with these smart phones…  Anyway, what did you need?”

“Oh, I just wanted to let you know, I’m not going to be home for dinner tonight- I think I forgot to tell you that this morning… I’m uhh- I’m going to my friend’s house again.”

“Oh, you are?” Though he couldn’t actually see it, he could practically hear his mom beaming at this news from the other end of the phone.  “Which friend?”

“…Tsukki- err, Tsukishima.”

“Again? You two seem to be getting close.”

“Mom!”

“Sorry, sorry; I just think that’s great!  Did you remember to bring a change of clothes for tonight?”

“Yes, Mom.”

“And you’re having dinner over there?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what he’s teaching me to make tonight though.  I haven’t asked. Hopefully nothing too hard?” he asked, looking over at his friend for confirmation.  Tsukishima just smirked and shrugged in response, which by now he had learned, could mean anything.  He sighed. “Well; I don’t know; I guess it’ll be a surprise.”

His mother chuckled. “Well, ok, honey; you can tell me about it later.  Remember to be careful with the stove… And with handling knives.”

“Mom…”

“Sorry, but you know I worry.  Oh, and Tadashi?”

“Yeah?”

“Ask your friend if he’d like to come over to our house for dinner next week.”

“W-what? Why?”

“I’d like to meet him! And your father is coming back from his business trip next week, so we can finally have a real family dinner again… And if Tsukishima would like to bring his family, they’re more than welcome to join us.  I’d just have to make enough food for an extra… Does he have any siblings?”

“Uhh, no? I don’t think he does.”

“Ok, well, an extra two people then; which would be no trouble at all!  So will you ask him?”

“Sure. I’ll… I’ll ask him.”

“Ok, well, have a good time! I’ll see you tomorrow after school; I have an overnight shift tonight… Did you remember your house key today?”

“I did.”

“Good. Well, goodbye, Honey! I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom. Bye.”  He hung up the phone and shoved it in his pocket before letting out a small sigh of relief.  “Sorry about that, Tsukki; my mom loves to chat.” 

Tsukishima shrugged as he fished through his bag for his house key.  “It’s fine… So what did she want you to ask me?”

“Oh, she just wants to know if you want to have dinner at my house next week… she kind of… wants to meet you.  Since I’ve been spending so much time over here, you know?  I promise it would just be once though, and you don’t have to if you don’t want to; I just told her I’d ask, and…”

“Sure; I’ll come. Should I bring something?”

“No; don’t worry about that!  Unlike me, my mom can actually cook, so she’ll take care of everything.  We can have the night off from cooking next Thursday.”

“We?”

“Hey; I cooked the noodles last week, and I also… Ok; _you_ get a night off from cooking,” he admitted, earning a smirk from the blond.

After letting themselves inside, they took off their shoes and set down their school bags before heading upstairs.  They both seemed to come to a silent agreement that today was not a homework kind of day.

As soon as they got to his room, Tsukishima wasted no time in shedding his school uniform and stripping down to his underwear.  Yamaguchi just stared dumbly for a moment before moving to join him. He may have gotten used to changing like this in the locker room, but outside of school, he found that he wasn’t used to this at all.  They were too close, and too underdressed for him to ever find this normal.  But yet here they were, in his friend’s bedroom, changing into their regular clothes while Yamaguchi tried his hardest not to stare at the slender, yet perfectly sculpted body of Tsukishima Kei.  Perfectly sculpted… there was really no other way to describe it. From his broad shoulders, to his toned arms and legs; and then there was his back, which… ok, so maybe he wasn’t trying quite as hard as he could not to stare, but even ignoring the muscles, it was still hard not to stare.  His skin was perfect, after all.  Pale from lack of sunlight, but perfect nonetheless.  It was smooth and unmarred by acne or scars… or freckles. He frowned, staring down at his own bare chest.  His body was covered with thousands of freckles, thousands of tiny imperfections. When he was little, he used to wish on stars that his freckles would go away, and even now at 15, he would give anything to make even half of them go away.  Absentmindedly, he allowed his fingers to rub at a patch of freckles on his stomach before remembering where he was. 

 

_Stop. Now’s not the time for self-loathing. Or ogling your best friend…_

“Yamaguchi.” His thoughts were interrupted by that familiar stern call of his name.  “Did you forget your change of clothes or something?”

His cheeks flushed. “Oh, uhh… no,” he admitted sheepishly. “I thought I might have, but… I found them.”  He hurriedly stuffed his uniform into his sport’s bag, and threw on the t-shirt, jeans, and hoodie he had brought with him.  Then he started to settle down onto the floor, but Tsukishima rolled his eyes and patted the spot next to him on the bed.

“Ahh, right; sorry Tsukki!” He plopped down on the bed next to Tsukishima, making sure to leave enough space between them to not make things awkward.  “Oh, by the way, Tsukki, my mom said to tell you that if your parents want to come to dinner next week, they’re invited too, though I’m sure they’ll probably be-”

“My mom’s going to be out of town.  Sorry.”

To say that Tsukishima’s mom was out of town a lot would have been an understatement. It would be more appropriate to say that she was never home, or almost never home, as Yamaguchi had never met her, or even seen any proof of her existence, aside from the fashion magazines that were occasionally sitting out on the table in the living room. He wasn’t exactly dying to meet this woman or anything; in fact, the idea of meeting either one of Tsukishima’s parents scared him, but the fact that he hadn’t even seen one of their cars in the driveway after a month of regular visits to his house raised a little bit of suspicion.  Tsukishima’s mom, at this point, didn’t seem real, just someone who was mentioned briefly from time to time.  And his dad… he was someone who was never mentioned at all… But it was none of his business.

“Ahh, ok; that’s fine…”

It was none of his business.

“So…  your umm… your dad’s gonna be out of town too then?”  But curiosity won out in the end, so the question slipped out anyway.  And then he immediately wished it hadn’t, because Tsukishima did that smile where he shut his eyes and cocked his head slightly to the side, looking so uncharacteristically, painfully pleasant that it chilled him to his core.  That smile had been used before on a few of their teachers, and on several of their teammates, but never on him.  He sincerely hoped that it would never be used on him again. That smile never meant anything good…

“Oh, yes, but he’s always out of town,” the taller boy answered calmly.  “My parents are divorced.” 

“Oh…” Yamaguchi folded in on himself, his shoulders slumping, his hands fidgeting in his lap.

_Stupid stupid stupid stupid; oh my god, how did I not guess that?_

“I’m sorry,” he offered weakly. 

“It’s alright,” Tsukishima replied, still smiling.  “He’s not missed.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going downstairs to get dinner started.  Join me when you’re ready.”  He moved to stand up, but Yamaguchi grabbed his arm and pulled him back down on the bed. 

“Wait!”

Tsukishima looked down at him with mild surprise.  “What?”

“Ahh… I mean… N-no need to get up just yet!  You’re probably tired after that practice, right?  Besides, I’m not really all that hungry anyway…” That was a lie; the quiet grumbling in his stomach reminded him of that.  But he couldn’t just let his friend leave in that mood, especially since it was his fault that he was in that mood in the first place. So he smiled and tentatively put his feet up on the bed and leaned back against the pillows.  “We should just… relax for a bit.”  Which was almost laughable coming from him, because right now, he felt anything but relaxed as he struggled to get comfortable on his friend’s bed, practically forcing himself to sink down fully into the pillows. Tsukishima had told him before that this was ok to do, but he still wasn’t used to it.  It still felt weird…

Thankfully though, if Tsukishima noticed his discomfort, he didn’t say anything, because all he did was shrug and say, ‘Ok.”  However, he made no move to do anything after that, so once again, Yamaguchi had to break the ice. 

“So… what was that song that you were listening to on the way home- the really fast one? I could only hear bits and pieces of it, but it sounded pretty cool… Could we maybe hear it again?”

At this, Tsukishima offered him a smaller, yet genuine smile, as he pulled out his phone. Which fast one?”

* * *

 

About an hour and over 20 songs later, they were both still laying next to each other on the bed. Not that they hadn’t moved at all in the past hour; in fact, they had moved quite a lot. After starting off at the top of the bed, with nearly a foot of space in between each other, now they lay at the bottom, with just a few inches of space in between. Tsukishima lay propped up on his side, his cheek resting in his right hand.  Yamaguchi lay on his back, with his arms folded underneath his head.  He closed his eyes as the next song played; it was smooth and calming, and… strangely familiar. Even though this song was definitely in English; he could already tell…

“Hey, Tsukki…”

“Mmm, what?”

“This song…”

“I can skip it if you don’t like it.”

“No; it’s not that… I like it.  What’s it about?”

“Nothing exciting, really. Just about two old friends spending the day together… And, obviously, the singer likes his friend; he likes her a lot… But nothing happens at the end; they’re still just friends, and that’s probably all they’ll ever be…”

“Oh; that’s… too bed… So this girl?  Does she not like him then?”

“He doesn’t know.”

“Well… why doesn’t he just ask her then?”

“I don’t know. Would you ask her?”

“No, but- but that’s different.  I’m gonna go ahead and assume that this singer guy is more confident than me.”

“Probably.”

“So why doesn’t he ask her then?”

“I don’t know; music’s not that specific; you know… But if I had to guess; I’d say that he doesn’t want to get too attached, because then he’d have something important to lose, and that scares him… Plus, deep down, he probably doesn’t think he deserves her… Or at least… that’s what I got from the lyrics… “

“Ok, but… I still think he should tell her… Maybe she does feel the same way.”

“You do know it’s just a song, right?”

“Yeah, but… still…” He felt himself blush, as he heard a soft chuckle from the blond.

“Ok, Yamaguchi; you tell me what you think he should do, and I’ll pass along the message.”

“Mmm, ok… Maybe some other time… Getting kinda sleepy…” 

“Oh? You know we have to get up soon…”

“For what?” he said, stifling  a yawn. 

“… Never mind. Nothing.” 

“Ok. Good…” The soft, melodic cords were quickly erasing all the thoughts in his head, better than any sleeping pill ever could. He wondered if maybe he should start listening to music before bed.  Maybe he’d get more sleep that way…

“Hey, Tsukki?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we hear it again?”

“Sure.”

* * *

 

He awoke to the faint glow of the plastic stars and planets on Tsukishima’s back wall. They gave off a nice, soft yellow light, one that was just bright enough to make out the shapes of the larger furniture in the room.  This was nice, he thought.  He’d never actually seen these stars and planets in action before, since it had never been dark enough. _Why is it dark enough now?_ He thought to himself.  As his mind slowly un-fogged, he felt around on the bed for Tsukishima’s phone and pressed the home button so he could see the time.  It was 11:36 pm.

 

_Oh, shit!_

 

They had completely missed the meeting, and worse, he had almost accidentally spent the night in his best friend’s bed… and forced said best friend to sleep somewhere else, apparently, since he was nowhere to be found.  Yamaguchi sighed.  He’d have to apologize to Tsukishima tomorrow… And to Takeda, for ditching this week, even if it wasn’t on purpose. 

But for now, he needed to go home- he didn’t want his mom worrying about him when she came home from the hospital later.  He sat up, stretched, and put his feet down on the floor, where he was met with a pile of pillows, blankets, and… something else.  The pile groaned at him, and he retracted his feet immediately.

“Sorry, Tsukki,” he whispered, more out of habit than anything else. He knew that the blond wasn’t actually awake to hear it.  He carefully scooted himself off the bed, making sure not to step on Tsukishima this time. Then he felt around for his gym bag until he found it, and headed downstairs.  Once he got down there, he noticed something… He could see… Kind of. There was a light coming from the kitchen, which seemed odd, but… Maybe Tsukishima had come down here after he’d fallen asleep and forgot to turn off the light?  Well, that had to be it, otherwise, that meant that there was someone else in the-

“Kei?” He froze.  Was he hearing things?  “Kei, honey; is that you?  Come on in; I’m making tea…” No, he hadn’t imagined that; there was definitely someone in the kitchen, Tsukishima’s mom, if he had to guess… Out of all the ways that he had pictured meeting either of Tsukishima’s parents, meeting them in the middle of the night, alone, with Tsukki asleep upstairs was not one he had prepared for.  It felt weird to meet his mom without Tsukishima being there, or even knowing about it, but obviously, she had already heard him, so unless he wanted to go hide upstairs, he’d just have to meet her tonight.  He swallowed hard and took small, tentative steps towards the kitchen, until he was at the doorway.  A tall woman, with pale blond hair was standing at the stove, eyes fixated on the kettle in front of her.  “Ahh, there you are, Kei; I thought I heard you … Sorry if I was too loud coming in; I know I wasn’t supposed to be home for another 12 hours, but I found an earlier flight, so I took it… did I wake you up; or were you still up reading… again…” The woman trailed off, as she looked over to find a boy who was not her son standing shyly in the doorway. “Oh… Hello.”

“Umm, hi.” He said quietly.  “Tsu- Kei… is upstairs sleeping.  S-sorry if I startled you; I about to leave, and then I heard someone was here, so… I just- I uhh…”

“Oh, you’re Tadashi, aren’t you?”

“Yeah… Umm, how did you-”

The woman smiled.  “Well, as you already know, I’m sure, Kei’s not much of a talker, but I call him a few times a week while I’m gone to make sure he’s doing ok, and see what he’s been up to.  Lately, from what I’ve been able to pry out of him, he’s got a new friend from support group; a nice, shy young man with cute freckles and brown hair…”

“Yeah, that’s… me…”  _Did he really use “cute”?_

“That’s what I thought!  Well it’s nice to formally meet you; Tadashi. I’m sorry it’s taken this long; I would have loved to meet you sooner, but business keeps me travelling a lot.”

“Oh, it’s ok; really-“

“That’s why I’m glad he has you now. I don’t like leaving him alone, so it’s good that he has someone looking after him.” 

“Ahh, no no; not really; I haven’t done anything! … If anything, Tsukki looks after me…”

“Tsukki?  He lets you call him that?”

“Ahh… Yes,” he said, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck.  “I’m still not sure if he likes it though…”

Mrs. Tsukishima smiled even wider this time. “I’m sure he does, Dear. If he didn’t… you would know. And… I think you’re doing more for him than you realize.  I mean, you convinced him to pick up volleyball again, of all things… Pretty easily too, from what I heard.  He still won’t tell me anything about how practice is going, and that worries me a little bit, but still, I think it’s a step in the right direction that he’s playing again… Volleyball’s been a touchy subject in this house.”

“Yeah,” he said, because really, he didn’t know what else to say.  He knew it was a touchy subject, simply from how the blond had reacted when he’d first mentioned joining volleyball club.   But he still didn’t quite get why though.  Did he get anxiety during matches?  Maybe he’d embarrassed himself in a game once, and was too ashamed to go back after that… But that sounded more like something that he himself would do; Tsukishima didn’t seem like the type who would get shaken up over something so trivial…  But then again, he didn’t really know, and it wasn’t his business, so he was left to wonder in silence, until he heard Mrs. Tsukishima call his name.”

“…Tadashi?”

“Hmm?”

“I was just asking if you’d like some tea. It’s ready, and I made extra.”

“Oh, no thank you; I actually have to get home; I didn’t mean to stay over this late; I just sort of dozed off, I guess…”

“Are you sure, Honey?  It’s late, so you can stay over, if you’d like.”

“Ahh, n-no; that’s ok; I don’t have a clean uniform with me for school tomorrow, so I really just go home; I have my house key with me, so it’s fine.” 

“Would you like me to drive you home then?"

“No; you don’t have to do that; you just got home! I don’t live too far away, so it’s fine; don’t worry!”

Mrs. Tsukishima pursed her lips together, as if she was considering something.  Finally, she said, “Well… All right.  But be careful.  I know it’s a small town, but bad things can still happen at night.”

“Right… I’ll be careful… It was- nice meeting you, Mrs. Tsukishima.”

“You too, Tadashi.  You’re welcome back any time.  Take care!”

“Y-yeah, ok.  Thanks!”  And with that, he backed out of the kitchen and went out through the front door, locking it behind him, as Tsukishima always did before they left for support group. Because that was what he was used to, and after a night of surprises, it felt strangely calming to end on something he was used to.  

He was already home, and about to get in bed, when he realized that he had forgotten his backpack with the homework that was due tomorrow afternoon.  With a sigh, he pulled out his phone and began to text Tsukishima; hopefully he would see this in the morning…

 

_-Hey, Tsukki! Sorry for hogging your bed earlier… I just got home, by the way, and I realized I left my backpack at your house. Could you bring it to school tomorrow? I’m dead if I forget another homework assignment this early in the year :/ -_

 

After reading the message over a couple of times, and fixing a few mistakes, he finally sent it and set the phone down on his nightstand.  But just as he did that, the phone buzzed, and his screen lit up.  It was a reply from Tsukishima:

 

_\- No. Come get it yourself-_

Yamaguchi frowned before hastily typing back a _–Sorry, Tsukki! You’re right that’s too much to carry; I’ll come over early tomorrow morning to come get my bag-_

_-6:30. You’re learning how to make pancakes. And for god’s sake, if you’re going to fall asleep on my bed, and forget your stuff at my house, just stay over next time-_

_-Haha, ok, Tsukki; sounds great!  But… I think your mom might want to make breakfast tomorrow instead… She’s really nice, by the way-_

_-Wait what?-_

_-Night, Tsukki! See you tomorrow :3 -_

 

He decided to leave it at that, figuring that his blond friend was probably already running downstairs, where he would see for himself what Yamaguchi was talking about. Besides, he needed to get some sleep now, since he apparently had breakfast plans the next morning. Early morning breakfast with Tsukishima… and his mom… This would be a first… But as he pictured Tsukishima’s before-school bedhead, his mother’s kindhearted smiles, and the taste of fresh, warm pancakes; he decided that it would be a first that he didn’t mind getting used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if anybody's curious or not, but that they're talking about song is called: A Daydream Away, by All Time Low... 
> 
> (Also, my Tumblr's lahelapup btw, in case anybody ever wants to chat- I know a few of you have asked questions related to this story before, and then I always feel weird answering in the comments of my own story, so yeah :P But, I will say, real quick, for the person who mentioned Yachi and Asahi; I did say that Hinata's got a few other friends in support group; didn't I? ;) Not sure if I'll actually have a real place for Yachi in this story or not, but she's in there :P And as for Asahi, he or may not be in that other group that meets on Tuesday nights...) 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading, and as always, for your lovely comments :3 (Sorry I ramble so much down here, lol).


	9. Resemblance

He was greeted that morning with a gruff, "Hey," and a motion for him to come inside. It was strange; he was prepared for the bedhead and the dead look in his eyes; because 6:30 was way too early to be alive, apparently. What he hadn't been prepared for was the plaid flannel pajama pants, or the cartoon dinosaur t shirt. Or the way that the blond walked straight into the doorframe on his way to the kitchen.

"Oh my god; Tsukki; are you ok?!" He rushed over to Tsukishima, who was now busy rubbing the front of his face and quietly mumbling to himself. "Tsukki?" he repeated. "You ok?" Gently, he pulled Tsukishima's hand away so he could get a better look at the damage. There was patch of red on his forehead, along with a small bump, and he looked absolutely mortified, but other than that, he seemed to be just fine. Yamaguchi let out a small sigh of relief. "Geeze, Tsukki; why'd you say to come over so early? You're clearly not awake right now... And I can’t even imagine you being a breakfast person.”

“I love breakfast,” came his blunt reply. “The only problem is that it happens in the morning.”

Yamaguchi chuckled. “I think that’s kind of the point.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Here, why don’t we just have breakfast for dinner next time? Less risk of getting a concussion that way…”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsukki!”

“No you’re not.”

When they entered the kitchen, Mrs. Tsukishima greeted them with a smile and urged them to sit down. “Breakfast is almost ready, boys, so just get yourselves something to drink; and Tadashi; you can sit anywhere you’d like… By the way, Kei, I think I heard you hit your head on something; are you all right? Do you need some ice?”

Tsukishima shook his head. “M’fine,” he mumbled, clearly not wanting to talk about it anymore. “What do you want to drink, Yamaguchi?”

“Uhh, milk is fine.” He turned to Mrs. Tsukishima with a smile. “He wasn’t watching where he was going… I think he’s still a little tired.”

“That’s an understatement! Kei here was still asleep until about five minutes ago, when I literally had to drag him out of bed because I knew you’d be here soon… Does he really go to school every day when I’m gone?”

“Yeah… surprisingly. You should see him on days when we have early morning practice though. There was this one time when he came into the gym wearing his shorts inside out, and his shoes on the wrong-!” He caught sight of Tsukishima’s death glare and immediately clammed up. “Ahh, but it’s not that funny; I’m sorry…”

“Oh, you’re fine, Dear; don’t even worry about it… Yeah, Kei’s been like that ever since he was little. I’d always have to send him back to his room because his clothes didn’t match, or he forgot to brush his hair… Kei, stop it with that look, please; you keep frowning like that, and one day, your face is gonna get stuck that way. Besides, I have pancakes, so no more sulking...” She came over and set a large platter of hot, fresh pancakes of all sizes down on the table. “This should be enough for the three of us, but if you’re still hungry after this batch, let me know. I have some batter left over. Syrup’s right there, but if you prefer whipped crème, or powdered sugar, we have those too. Or at least, I think we do…”

“Thank you... They look really good. And syrup’s fine.”

“Oh, it’s no trouble at all, Dear; please, help yourself.” She sat down and patiently waited for the boys to take what they wanted before serving herself. “So,” she started. “How’s school been going for you guys? It’s been a couple of weeks, and Kei hasn’t been answering many of my calls lately; he mainly only sends texts here and there, so I’m curious. What’s high school life at Karasuno been like?”

“Wonderful,” Tsukishima deadpanned. “The most magical years of my life right here.”

“Uh huh… well it’s good to see your sarcasm’s still intact, Sweetie. Makes me think you’re finally waking up. How about you, Tadashi? How’s school going?”

“Pretty good.”

The words slipped out of his mouth before he could even process them. It was his default answer whenever anyone asked him questions like that. He was always “pretty good,” even on days when he wasn’t even close to ok. He didn’t like people worrying about him, so he would use this simple phrase, along with a small smile as a mask, to keep people from worrying. He used to tell his mother he was pretty good as a kid, every day when he came home from school. It had worked pretty well, until he’d had his first panic attack, and his parents finally realized that something was wrong. After that, “pretty good” didn’t work quite as well on them anymore. Lately, he’d been trying to open up more, at least with his family and his therapist, and talk about how he was really feeling from day to day, whether it was good, bad, or somewhere in between. But for others, for people he didn’t know as well, he found that he still used the phrase “pretty good” quite often. He had only met Tsukishima’s mom last night, so it didn’t surprise him at all that he’d said that. What did surprise him was that, now that he thought about it, he might have actually meant it this time. At least for today.

Mrs. Tsukishima smiled. “Well, I’m glad to hear it. Now… how about club activities? How’s the team looking?” She smirked. All Kei will tell me is that he’s surrounded by idiots.”

“Tsukki! Did you really say that?”

Tsukishima shrugged. “Yeah. It’s true. Apart from us, and maybe the captain and vice captain, everyone is completely insane.”

“Ok, so we’ve got some… eccentric players… But Nishinoya is an award winning libero, Tanaka and Asahi can hit some powerful spikes, Kageyama is undeniably talented as a setter, and Hinata is really fast and has amazing jumping abilities… superhuman, almost…”

“I’m well aware of how high that shrimp can jump. And of all that other stuff. Doesn’t change the fact that we have a bunch of idiots who either think about nothing but volleyball, or spend their free time drooling over the manager. They all get excited over every little thing, always shouting and running around; it’s annoying. Not to mention the fact that Tanaka takes his shirt off whenever he gets riled up. Which is always.”

“He takes his shirt off?” Mrs. Tsukishima asked, looking mildly amused.

“Yeah, and then he swings it around above his head and starts shouting… It’s usually after he hits a good spike or something, but he’s a spiker; that’s what he’s supposed to do. No need to get so worked up about it…”

“Oh come on, Kei… You’ve never gotten so excited that you felt the urge to… take off your shirt and run around screaming?”

“Well, I thought about it once, but then I remembered I’m not part ape like the rest of the team.”

“Hey! Don’t rope me in with them!” Yamaguchi chimed in.

“Why? I thought you liked them.”

“I do, but… They can get a little ridiculous sometimes.”

“Fine… The rest of the team minus Yamaguchi.”

“Thank you.”

It was then that they noticed Mrs. Tsukishima giggling quietly into her hand. They both stared at her, but she waved them off. “Sorry, sorry… It just sounds like the two of you are enjoying yourselves in this volleyball club. Aren’t you?” Both boys thought about this for a few seconds and answered at roughly the same time:

“…Yeah.”

“Definitely not.”

Talking to Tsukishima’s mom proved to be a lot easier than he expected. Since the woman was hardly ever home, and he’d never met her before, he’d always pictured her being this cold, detached, intimidating woman, but nothing could have been further from the truth. She was warm, friendly, kind; nearly always smiling, and it never looked forced. He was half tempted to ask if they were truly related, but he knew that question would earn him a scowl, or an elbow in the ribs from his friend. Besides, she did have a bit of a snarky side, which came out whenever she would lightly tease her son about something. Well, now, Yamaguchi knew where he got that from… Sure, Tsukishima’s teasing was far more mean spirited than his mom’s, but their smiles and slightly haughty laughs were too similar to ignore.

They talked about volleyball for a little while longer before Tsukishima excused himself to go upstairs and change for school. He nearly walked into the doorframe again on his way out, but dodged it at the last second. Once he was out of sight, Mrs. Tsukishima let out a quiet laugh. “Are you absolutely sure he goes to school every morning? It’s ok to tell me the truth; I won’t scold him or anything… much.” She laughed again at Yamaguchi’s nervous expression. “I’m only kidding, Tadashi; he’s not in any trouble. Though, I might have to see about buying him a louder alarm clock… Or maybe a dog….”

“Ahh, no no, really; he does come to class every day… On time, I mean… He did skip morning practice once, but he showed before first period, so it was all right… And, I’ve actually taken to… calling him every morning since then, just to make sure he’s up. I don’t think he appreciates it though. He usually sounds mad when he answers.”

Mrs. Tsukishima laughed even harder at this. “Well that’s probably because I call him every morning too. He’s not happy with me either. Though lately he hasn’t been answering. I guess now I know why.”

“Oh; I’m sorry! I didn’t know. Should I stop?”

“Does he tell you to stop?”

“Well… No, actually.”

“Then don’t. Honestly, the more people that he has invading that personal bubble of his, the better! Keep it up, ok?” She offered him a small smile, then proceeded to get up and start clearing the table, humming as she did so. The tune sounded familiar. So familiar that it took him a minute to remember to answer.

“Umm. Ok; I will… Oh! Did you want any help, Mrs. Tsukishima?”

“No, Dear; it’s fine; stay right where you are. And please, no need to be so formal; you can just call me Mrs. T., or Hotaru, if you like.”

“H-hotaru? Are you sure?”

“Of course!” She carefully set the dirty dishes down on the counter and started placing them in the dishwasher. “I figure if I’m going to be calling you by your first name, you can call me by mine.”

“Oh. All right… Thank you.” He fell silent after that, resisting the urge to bang his head on the table. Or crawl underneath it and hide.

 

_Well that was dumb. What was I even thanking her for? Why did I say that? Just slipped out, I guess… Ugh._

 

Luckily, he wasn’t alone with his thoughts for long; Tsukishima rejoined them in the kitchen a few minutes later, with his uniform on and his bedhead tamed. The redness on his forehead was nearly gone now too; the only evidence that remained was a small pale bruise at the point of impact. He stared at him expectantly. “Yamaguchi. Ready to go?”

“Yup! I’m ready! Yup; let’s go!” He hurriedly followed Tsukishima to the front door, where they put on their shoes and grabbed their school bags. “Bye, umm… H-hotaru-san!” he called out as they were leaving. “Thank you for breakfast.”

“You’re welcome, Tadashi!” she called back from the kitchen. “Bye, boys; have a good day at school! And Kei, be nice to your classmates… Or at least try. I love you!”

Tsukishima scowled at this last comment. “Yeah yeah… Bye mom.” And with that, they began the walk to school in silence, save for the faint echoes of Tsukishima’s music coming from his headphones. The cords were soft and pleasant today. Yamaguchi smiled.

So he probably isn’t as annoyed as he’s been pretending to be... He might even be in a good mood… Maybe.

“Yamaguchi.”

“Hmm?”

“So… Hotaru-san?”

“Ahh, th-that was her idea! I- I would never just call someone’s parent that normally, but she asked, so I-“

“I know. But if it makes you feel weird or anything, you can always just tell her.”

“No; its- its ok… I’ll get used to it. Eventually… Is she always so-”

“Open? Yes. She’s American,” he explained. “Well, half American, anyway. She grew up in America- lived there until she was 18. Then she went to study in Tokyo, and she liked it so much, she decided to stay. She already knew the language from her father, and some of the customs. The rest, she picked up as she went along- and then sort of modified them to fit her personality. She never really did like the whole calling people by their last names thing though; she thinks it’s too formal, so outside of work… she usually doesn’t do it.”

“Oh… Well that explains a lot.”

“Yeah, but if she ever does anything, or says anything that embarrasses you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, just… just let me know, ok? There was a hint of vulnerability in his voice as he said this, almost as if he was genuinely afraid that his mother might do something to upset Yamaguchi.

“Tsukki? Is that why you never let me meet her?”

“Well, she is a little bit… overbearing, don’t you think?”

“No! Ok, maybe a little bit. But she’s actually… really nice.

“…I see. And?”

“And… what?”

“Well? Aren’t you surprised?”

“Surprised that… you’re related?” Tsukisima nodded.

 

_Does he really want me to answer that?_

 

“Umm, well, no? … Maybe a little, at first… But now that I’ve spent some time around her, I think I can see some family resemblance between you two… Umm… Other than being tall and blond, I mean… You’re clearly both smart, both a little sarcastic, and… I think you have her taste in music.”

The volume of Tsukishima’s music immediately lowered. “And what makes you think that?”

“Well, I thought I may have heard it when I first came over, but after you went upstairs after breakfast, I definitely heard it… Your mother was humming, and it sounded really soft and sweet, and happy… It sounded a lot like something I’ve heard from your iPod. I bet you guys listen to music together a lot when she’s home.”

“Not really.” The volume lowered again. “Yes, she does play her music on the speakers sometimes when she’s home, mostly her western music… But I don’t really pay much attention to it.”

“Oh? Ok, Tsukki… So what are you listening to then?”

“Er-Nothing.”

“Can I listen?”

“No.”

“But-”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because… Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“All right; I’ll drop it. But just so you know, I like your, I mean your mom’s, taste in music. I think it’s cool.”

Tsukishima smirked at this. “Cool? I’ll be sure to tell her you said that.” And with that, he turned the volume back up and kept on walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm back! And with a shorter than usual, but I wanted to post something to let you all know I'm still alive and definitely planning on continuing this. I had a busy last month with final projects and then exams, but summer break just started for me, so I should have more time to write now :3 
> 
> (Also, Tsukki is a mama's boy, and no one can convince me otherwise :P)


	10. Good Friend

Giving five solid receives in a row had seemed like such an easy last practice drill, until he actually tried doing it. He only had one more receive to complete, and then he would be done, but unfortunately, he couldn’t seem to hit anything right now.  Three hours ago, five receives would have been no problem, but now he was exhausted, drenched in sweat; his legs felt like jello…  Plus, he was on his 11th, no, 12th ball now, and it was beginning to get really pathetic because no one else had taken this long to hit five receives, and he knew that he needed to move faster, but he didn’t know how to make his body move any faster at this point. He just wanted to fall over. And, after diving for, and missing, the next ball, that’s exactly what he did.  Face first.

“Yamaguchi!”  Hinata was the first one to run over to his side of the court. Tsukishima and Suga followed close behind, but Hinata was already helping him to his feet by the time they got there. And bombarding him with questions. “Are you ok?!  You didn’t hit your head too hard, did you? You look a little pale; do you feel like you’re gonna pass out?  Do you need water?  How hard did you hit your head?  How many fingers am I holding up?!!” 

“Hinata,” Suga said, placing a hand on his shoulder and gently pulling him back a few inches.  “I know you mean well, but please, give him some space.” Then he turned his attention to Yamaguchi.  “Are you ok?”

“Ahh, y-yeah, I think I’m just tired; it’s been a long day…  Thank you for your concern though.” 

“Are you sure?” Hinata pressed. “You don’t have a concussion or anything?  Hitting your face hard enough on the gym floor can do that to you; I would know…” 

Tsukishima laughed.  “Yeah, you would know, wouldn’t you?  You injure yourself more than anyone else in here. I’m sure he’ll be fine- after all, if you can hit your head as often as you do and still be unaffected, then… Oh. Wait.  I guess it depends… Were you this stupid before you started volleyball, or have you been steadily losing brain cells over the years?

“Tsukishima; you jerk! I’ll hit you on your head a few times; see how you like it!”

“Go ahead.  If you think you can reach it.”  

“Guys,” Yamaguchi said quietly. “Please don’t...”

“Is that another short joke?”

“Wow, you catch on fast.  So how about it?  Can you reach the top of my head, or would you like me to crouch down for you?”

“Tsukki…”

“Hey; quit it!  You know how high I can jump!  I could- I could kick you in the face if I wanted to!”

“Hinata!”

“Oh yeah; then do it.  I’d like to see you try to-“

 “Ok; that’s enough!”  Suga snapped. He stepped in between the two first years, who both seemed to have lost their fight rather quickly after seeing Suga angry.  “Hinata; go sit on the bench.  Tsukishima, go do your five receives; it’s your turn, and you’re holding up everyone else. Yamaguchi, go… go ahead and sit down; drink some water.  You look exhausted, and I think we’re about done for today anyway; right Daichi?”’

Daichi nodded in agreement.  “Yeah, after everyone’s done their five receives, they can go home.” He raised his voice to address the entire team.  “But be sure to get plenty of rest tonight; remember, we’re having early morning practice every day this week, with an emphasis on receives.  We all need to improve in this area, with the exception of Nishinoya, of course, if we want to stand a chance against Nekoma next Sunday. They may not have any star players, or special moves, like our oddball quick, but they’re one of the best high school teams in Tokyo.  And a big part of the reason why is because each member has mastered the fundamentals. To put it simply, they are like a well-oiled machine when they play; they have no obvious weak spots like we do. And since receiving is our biggest weak spot right now over all, that’s what we’re going to focus on. Understood?”

“Yes, Captain!” the team answered in unison.

“Good.  Tsukishima, you’re up; five receives, now!” 

“Ok.”  

“Oh, and, Tsukishima… I know I’ve said this before, but… we are a team.  I know you may not like Hinata, but he is your teammate, so please try harder to work with him during practice, ok?  And…” he took a step closer to the blond and placed a firm hand on his shoulder.  “Picking fights with anyone during the practice match will not be tolerated. But I’m sure that we’ll have nothing to worry about because there’s not going to be any fighting… Right?”

Yamaguchi could have sworn he saw Tsukishima visibly swallow before answering with a soft, “Yes sir.”

“Good.”  Daichi released the younger boy and flashed him a grin.  “Now go ahead and get out there!”  Tsukishima didn’t need to be told twice; he turned and all but ran out onto the court.  Yamaguchi sighed and took a seat next to Hinata on the bench. 

 

_Leave it to the captain to be the only non-adult that can scare Tsukki… Oh well- crisis averted… For now, anyway._

Tsukishima’s turn at receiving didn’t take very long at all.  He missed the first serve, but the next five serves, he received almost perfectly.  Yamaguchi watched with admiration, and mild jealousy, if he was being honest, as the blond effortlessly returned each ball to where the setter would most likely be during a match. 

Next to him, Hinata groaned.  “Greeeeaaat!  He was already better than me at blocking; now he’s good at receiving too?” 

“Well, I don’t know about that,” Yamaguchi replied. “But he’s definitely starting to suck a lot less at receiving than before.  But so are you.  And so am I… Ummm, I think…”

“Yeah, well he’s faster than us at the whole not-sucking process, and it really… sucks,” he finished lamely. When Yamaguchi raised an eyebrow at this comment, Hinata continued.  “Doesn’t it bother you that he’s better than us, and he doesn’t even really try?”

“Hmm, not really… Well… maybe it’s a little frustrating, but I guess I’m sort of used to it… There’s a lot of kids like that in my class when it comes to academics.  Some of them look like they’re not even paying attention during the lessons, and then somehow they get really high scores on the assignments and quizzes. Meanwhile, I’m doing all I can just to keep up…”

 

_Though really, I could be doing a little more… I’ve been slacking too much lately by college prep standards…_

“Yeah, I know what you mean!  ”

“Tch.  Yeah right; dumbass.”  Both boys turned to see Kageyama coming over to get his water bottle, presumably to go refill it, since he picked up Hinata’s as well.  “Whenever I walk past your classroom, you’re always slumped over, with your head on the desk.”

“Oh, like you never sleep during class? And what are you doing watching me anyway?!  Shouldn’t you be in your own class?!  You ditching to spy on me or something?” 

“No!  Why would you think… Dumbass!  The water fountain’s just right next to your room is all…  Besides, if anyone’s the ditcher, it’s obviously you. How many times have you skipped afternoon classes to come to the gym and practice?” 

“I don’t know, Kageyama; why don’t you tell me, since you were there too!”  He stood and walked straight up to the setter, firmly poking him in the chest as he made his accusation.

“That’s…” The argument died on Kageyama’s lips; his cheeks turned pink as he realized his mistake.  “…That was only one time!  And it was only to make sure you weren’t overexerting yourself like an idiot before the first year’s match!”

“Oh, come on!  You know you only went to the gym because you wanted to practice too!”

“I… I don’t need this!  Here… fill it up yourself!”  He tossed Hinata’s water bottle at the shorter boy, accidentally hitting him in the face, before stalking off towards the water fountain.

“Oww, that hurt, Kageyama, what the hell! Hey don’t just leave! We’re both going the same way, you know?!  Kageyama! Are we racing?! That’s not fair; you don’t get a head start!  Hey!”

And with that, Hinata took off running in the same direction, angrily waving his water bottle in the air as he went. Once he was out of earshot, Yamaguchi let an exasperated sigh escape his lips.  He buried his face in his hands for a moment, gently rubbing his eyes with his palms as he did so.  He loved Hinata, he really did, but sometimes he was just too much to handle, especially when Kageyama was there too…  Those two really could argue about anything, and then usually turn it into a contest somehow.  But at least on the court, they seemed to be getting along well enough… Really well, actually. 

“Ahh, the idiot duo, at it again,” someone commented. Though he suspected that he already knew who that someone was.  And sure enough, when Yamaguchi opened his eyes and looked up, there was Tsukishima standing over him.  He smirked. “You know, I wonder if they know that you can’t play a sport if you’re failing more than one class…” 

“Yeah…” Another sigh.  “I wonder that too.  Honestly, I doubt it.”

“Well, they’ll find out soon enough, I’m sure. Anyway, are you ready to go home.”

“Yeah, I’m ready.  But shouldn’t we change first?” 

Tsukishima eyed the entrance to the locker room, where everyone was now headed, excitedly chatting and shouting as they went. He cringed and shook his head. “I’d rather just go home. 

“Ok, Tsukki.” He stuffed his towel and water bottle into his bag and then stood up.  Have you got everything?”  

“Yeah.  Let’s go. Are you still planning on coming over?”

“Of course.” 

Tsukishima donned headphones, and then the two boys quickly and quietly slipped out of the gym.  Once they were a good distance away from the school, Tsukishima slowed his pace.  Yamaguchi stole a glance up at his friend, who, judging by the look on his face, seemed to be thinking of something to say.  Or, more likely, how to say something.  Finally, he settled on,  “Are you ok?”

“Huh?  Oh, you mean my face plant earlier?  Yeah, I’m all right, though I think I might be getting a bruise on my forehead… In about the same place where you got yours the other day, actually… Too bad yours faded already; we could have matched.”  He smiled at his own joke, though one look at Tsukishima told him that the taller boy was clearly not amused.  “I’m ok, Tsukki, really.  It’s not that serious; there’s no need to worry.”

“I’m not worried about the fact that you fell,” he said bluntly.  “I’m worried about why you fell.” 

“Oh… Well that’s just because I was tired. It’s been a long day, with practice in the morning, practice in the afternoon, and… classes in between… After all that, I get a little burnt out.  I’m surprised you don’t, Tsukki.”  

“Well, that’s because we’re only training for a practice match, and I’m not about to go all out for a game that doesn’t even count…. And you’re changing the subject.  Why are you so tired?  And don’t say it’s because of practice because you’ve looked like a zombie since this morning. Since yesterday morning, in fact.”

“I uhhh … I haven’t been sleeping well…”

“I gathered that.”

“You knew?”

 

_Well, duh; what am I saying?  Of course he knew! Tsukishima’s not stupid; of course he noticed!  What a stupid question…_

 

Tsukishima didn’t answer his “stupid” question; he didn’t even acknowledge it.  Instead, he simply asked, “Why?” 

“Why what?” 

“ _Yamaguchi._ You know what I mean.”

The brunette lowered his gaze down to the pavement. “It’s… It’s kind of silly… It’s really silly, actually… Don’t worry about it, Tsukki; I’ll be fine. It’s really not a big deal.” 

“If you’re losing sleep over it, then it is a big deal,” the blond insisted.

Yamaguchi sighed, clasping his hands together as he thought about what to say.  “Ok… You know that assignment we got for Japanese History?  The one that’s due in a couple of weeks?” 

“You mean the oral report?  …. Oh.  You’re-” 

“Yeah, I am.  It was one of my biggest fears as a kid, speaking in front of the class, and now that I have to do it again, I… I don’t know if I can.  I know it’s a lame fear, something really silly to still be afraid of, but for some reason, even thinking about giving that report makes me want to pass out…”

“No, it’s not silly.  I get it.” 

“You… You do?  Tsukki, don’t tell me that you’re also-”

“No,” he said quickly.  “Not me.  But as a kid, I… I knew someone who was.”  Yamaguchi raised an eyebrow at this. 

“Really?  Who was it?” 

“He was my… friend.”

“What was his name?”  

“Why?  Do you not believe me or something?”

“N-no; it’s not that; it’s just- I’m curious.” 

“Why?”  

“Because… Is it really so weird to want to know something about you from before we met?  I mean…  You already know plenty of things about me… And knowing my mom, and her love of telling embarrassing childhood stories, you’ll probably know a lot more by Thursday night… But… I don’t know anything about you. Well, I mean, I know what you’re like now, but…” 

“You want to know embarrassing childhood stories?” he asked incredulously.  “Your idea of friendship is weird.”

“No, you don’t have to tell me embarrassing stories if you don’t want to, but… what was your friend like?”

“You really want to know?  You… actually care about that stuff?”

“Well, the way you always talk makes it seem like… like you never had any friends, so yeah… I do care.”

“All right…”  Tsukishima paused, and for a few minutes, they walked without exchanging a single word.  Yamaguchi looked up several times to try and gage his friend’s expression, or at least try to discern what the music was like today.  But strangely, there was no music right now, something he was only able to recognize now that it was painfully quiet.  He had just about given up on his question and was about to change the subject when the blond suddenly continued.  “For the record, I did use to have friends. They were easier to make in elementary school.  And easier to keep. They didn’t involve so much effort. But this boy was… I guess you could say he was a best friend.  He was nice and caring- always going out of his way to do things for me… He was pretty popular too; I don’t think there was anyone at school who didn’t like him… But for awhile, he had this problem, where… he would get really nervous, sometimes to the point of getting sick, right before a big presentation or project… Normally, he wasn’t afraid of being around a lot of people, but because he wasn’t as quite smart, or as talented as some of the other kids in his class, he was terrified of giving presentations at school.”

“So, did you help him get over it?”

“Well, he said that I did… I really don’t think I did all that much though.  For awhile, I didn’t do anything because I didn’t know what to do…  I felt bad about it, because he was always helping me, but now that he needed help, I didn’t know where to start… But then… One time, the night before a big English presentation, I asked him what he was so scared of, and he told me.  It was all the normal stuff people are afraid of when they don’t like public speaking- fear of blanking and forgetting what to say, fear of sounding stupid, fear of people laughing at him, fear of getting a bad grade…”

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Yamaguchi agreed. “So, what did you do to help him?”

“Like I said, not much.  But I tried to talk him through his fears; I told him that it was just one grade out of many; I told him that he wouldn’t forget what to say, since he had practiced that speech so many times… And it was true. He had practiced it a lot- I heard it… And I told him that even if he did forget something, that it wouldn’t be the end of the world.  And that I would never laugh at him, even if the whole thing turned out awful. Then he laughed and said that it’s too bad that I… wasn’t in his class.  And then that gave me an idea…” 

“Oh!  You went to his class?”

“… Yeah.  I got special permission to ditch my own class that morning so I could be there when he gave his speech.  I thought maybe a familiar face might help him remember better.  Apparently, it did.”  Tsukishima smiled at the memory.  “He was a little surprised to see me, and so was the rest of the class, but he told me later that having me there relaxed him, and that it helped him to give a better presentation.” 

“Wow… You’re a good friend, Tsukki.”

"No I'm not.  Aki- he was-"

"Aki?"  

"...Yeah.  Aki was always the better friend; I was just returning the favor the one time I could."

"That sounds like a pretty good friend to me."

"I guess... Anyway, I don't think my presence is comforting or relaxing, or any of that, but we are in the same class, so if you need someone familiar to look at during your presentation, I'll be there.  And I can at least promise you one thing.  No matter what happens, I won't laugh.  Even if you forget everything.  

"Thanks, Tsukki.  I know you wouldn't laugh, but I don't know about anyone else... And I really really want to avoid forgetting everything.  Which is..."

 

_Which is what might happen if I stare at you through my whole speech...  Can't tell him that though; oh my god, don't actually say that!_

 

"Which is?" Tsukishima asked, prompting him to finish.

"Ahh, never mind."

"Ok.” 

They arrived at Tsukishima’s house, which was once again unoccupied, something he didn’t realize until after he called out a greeting to Tsukishima’s mom, but didn’t hear anything back.

“She left yesterday,” Tsukishima reminded him as he slipped off his shoes.  

“Oh yeah.  When’s she coming back?”  

“Next weekend.  It’s a regular thing.”  He started up the stairs, and Yamaguchi followed close behind, into the now very familiar bedroom.  Yamaguchi set his bag down, plopped down on Tsukishima’s bed, and sprawled out on his back, too tired to notice or to care how little space he left for his friend to sit. 

“Oh my god; that practice killed me!” he groaned.

“I can see that.”

“I don’t even want to get up to shower… I will though; just give me a minute… Oh, but Tsukki, before I forget, when I finish writing my speech, can I… practice with you?  I think it might help.”

“Sure.”

“Thanks!  It’ll probably be awhile till its ready though; I honestly haven’t even started yet.” 

“Yeah, me neither.”

“No really; I… haven’t even picked a topic yet.”

“Oh.  You should get on that.  Do you want help?”

“Yes please.  Could we maybe start today?  After we get cleaned up?”

“Nope.”  

“Great- wait what?  Why not?  Wait Tsukki; what are you doing?”  He hadn’t noticed it before, but the blond had already closed the curtains on both of his windows, and now he had just turned his light back off.  “You’re making it really dark in here…”

“That’s the idea.”

"But... Oh... No, Tsukki; I can't nap right now..." He yawned.  "I have a lot of homework."

"Which you can work on later."  

"But-"  

"Yamaguchi.  How much sleep have you had in the past few days?"   

"Umm..."  He actually had to think about that one.  How many hours of sleep had he gotten in the past few nights?  Or even last night?  Did he sleep last night?  No, he did; he definitely did; he remembered that he had climbed into bed around 11:30... Though he hadn't actually fallen asleep until much later.  When was the last time he'd looked at the clock- 2?  3?  Neither answer sounded very good, so instead he shrugged and said, " I don't remember."  It was mostly the truth.  

Tsukishima crossed his arms.  "That's what I thought.  Now how do you expect to do math, or history, or English when you can't even remember when you went to bed last night."  His expression was stern, but it softened when Yamaguchi let out another involuntary yawn.  "Go to sleep, Yamaguchi."  He walked over to his dresser, rummaging through the drawers until he found a pair of sweatpants, and what looked like a band t-shirt of some kind.  "Do you need clothes?"

"No; I'm prepared this time.  But thanks."

"All right.  Well I'm going to take a shower, and then I'll be working downstairs.  You should change and then get some sleep.  I'll wake you up later.  " 

"Well... Ok.  Will you come get me in an hour then?"

"Hmm... Two hours."   

"But I still have a math worksheet to do..."

"It can wait."

"You do realize I could just set an alarm on my phone for an hour from now, right?"  

"You do realize I could just come in and turn off that alarm while you're sleeping, right?"   

"Yeah, but...  Fine.  An hour and a half."

"Deal... Night."  He looked like he was about to leave, but then he paused in the doorway.  “Wait. Give me your phone.”

Yamaguchi blinked up at him, confused. “Huh?  Wait- seriously?  Come on, Tsukki; I promise I’ll go to sleep; I was just going to turn my phone off.”

“Give me the phone, please.”

“But why?” 

“Because- it’s nothing bad; just do it.”

“Ok, ok…  Here.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and placed it in Tsukishima’s outstretched hand.

“Thank you."

“Uhhh, you’re welcome… I guess. So do I really not get to know why?-” But the taller boy was already gone, closing the door behind him. “Ughhh, Tsukkiiiii…”  Yamaguchi sighed and let himself fall back against the pillows.  He lay there for about 10-15 minutes, internally debating on whether he actually wanted to get up and shower, or at least change into something clean before taking a nap.  He did feel bad about laying on his best friend’s bed in his sweaty, gross clothes, but did he feel bad enough to move again?  In the end though, he never ended up deciding; he just drifted off to sleep, sweaty gym clothes and all.

 

* * *

 

He woke up later that evening with a blanket draped over him that he didn’t remember having when he fell asleep. He also woke up entirely on his own, and a half an hour later than agreed upon, much to his chagrin. Tsukishima hadn’t kept his promise… But before he could get too annoyed, he noticed that he could hear soft piano chords coming from somewhere… From the nightstand… From… his phone?  He picked it up and looked at the screen, and slowly, any frustration towards Tsukishima vanished, once he realized what he was looking at. He was on his phone’s music library, which had been mostly empty earlier today, but now had a new playlist filled with dozens of new songs.  And the title of this playlist… _Tsukki’s mix (to help you sleep)._  

Yamaguchi couldn’t stop smiling.

 

_You really are a good friend, Tsukki.  Better than you give yourself credit for._

 


	11. Family

Tadashi!  Tadashi, will you come downstairs for a minute?  I need you to come look at this cake!” 

“Yeah, ok, I’ll be down in a minute, Mom!” Yamaguchi glanced at himself in the mirror one last time, patting his hair down as he did so. Not that it made much of a difference; his hair still remained messy no matter what he did; he’d have to pin it down to keep it from sticking up, but in his mind, it was the effort that ultimately counted the most.  Plus, his outfit more than made up for the slightly unruly hair.  He wore dark wash jeans that actually fit him properly, along with a crisp new button down, shirt- hunter green, his favorite color. He looked good, he decided, or at the very least, better than usual, and for tonight, that would just have to be enough.

“Tadashi!” 

“Ok ok, coming!”  After flipping off the light, he rushed downstairs and into the kitchen, where his mother was waiting.  She stood at the counter with a handful of half cut strawberries, in front of a lopsided cake with whipped crème dripping down the sides. She looked at him expectantly, silently asking for an opinion.  He bit down on his lower lip and rubbed at the nape of his neck. “Oh…” he said slowly. “It looks, umm…”

“It looks terrible, doesn’t it?”

“Well, no, not- not _terrible_ , but-“ 

“It’s all right, Honey.  I know that baking is not my thing; I just thought I’d try, since you mentioned that your friend likes sweets, but wow… They make it all look so easy in those tutorial videos…”

“Ahh, it’s ok, Mom; everything else looks amazing! And besides… I’m sure it tastes better than it looks.”  He dipped a finger into the crème and took a taste.  He smiled. “Yeah!  It’s actually pretty good!” 

“Well thanks, but… how do I make it look better?”

“Uhh, why are you asking me?  You know I can’t cook.” 

“It’s not cooking.  Or even baking, really.  It’s decorating. Do you think putting strawberries on top will help?  That’s what they do in the video.” 

“Ummm… maybe?  You know what, you already cut them up, so let’s use them!”

“Ok.”  She set the strawberries back down on the cutting board.  “Here; do you want to do it?  I need to get cleaned up before Tsukishima arrives. 

“M-me?”

“It’s all right; there’s no proper way to do this. And if there is, we certainly don’t have time to learn! Oh, and, Tadashi, there’s some extra crème in the pastry bag, so if you want to do any more decorating, feel free… Make it look… well, I guess it’s too late for pretty, but, if you could make it look better, that would be fantastic.  And when you’re done, put it in the fridge, ok?  Bottom shelf.” 

“Ok, Mom.”   

“Great, thanks Tadashi!”  And with that, she slipped out of the kitchen. He looked at the cake and sighed.  

_Ok, Tadashi, you can do this.  It’s just a cake… Here goes nothing…_

Decorating proved to be easier than expected. Using the leftover crème, Yamaguchi made a small trim on the top of the cake, and then carefully placed the strawberries around the edge.  For good measure, he also made a trim around the bottom of the cake as well. Then he licked his fingers clean and took a moment to admire his handiwork.  It actually looked… well not pretty, but halfway decent at least. Hopefully good enough so that Tsukishima wouldn’t laugh when he saw it. 

Just as he was popping the cake in the fridge, the doorbell rang.  “Coming!” he shouted. He quickly rinsed off his hands before opening the door to an even more well dressed than usual blond. He had opted for a navy blue button down, along with black dress pants.  His normally slightly messy curls were neatly smoothed down, though that just made Yamaguchi want to mess them up again.  Not that he would ever admit that.  Not out loud anyway.

“Hi, Tsukki!  You dressed up!”   

“No… Not really.”

“Sure you did!  That outfit looks really- really nice on you.”

Tsukishima looked down and off to the side. He started rubbing his left upper arm, as he seemingly forgot how to talk for a moment.  “Ahh… umm… Yeah, well, I’m meeting your parents for the first time tonight, so it’s only natural that I dressed up. What I don’t get is why you dressed up; you don’t have anyone that you need to impress.” 

It was Yamaguchi’s turn to look down. “Oh, I guess you’re right… Is it too much?  Do I look silly? Should I change?”

“No!  Err- no; not unless you want to anyway.  You look good.  It looks good, I mean. The outfit.” 

“Wow, you really think so?  Thanks… My mom and I just went shopping last weekend, actually, and she bought me some new clothes.  Honestly, I’ve been looking for an excuse to wear some of them, so I thought why not tonight?... E-even though I don’t have anyone to impress… But for the record, you don’t have anyone you need to impress either. My parents already like you.”

“They do?  Why?” 

Yamaguchi laughed. “No need to be so surprised, Tsukki; of course they like you; you’re my friend!  Now come on inside; dinner’s ready.”

Tsukishima followed him inside and started taking off his shoes, but he didn’t let the matter drop.  “No really, why?  What have you told them about me?”

“Nothing; nothing!  Well nothing much, anyway… And only good things; I promise!”

“Like what?”

“Hmmm… Well, I told them you’re really smart, that you’re one of the best blockers on the volleyball team, that you’re interested in music… And of course they know that we met through support group.”

“Obviously.”  That simple statement seemed to contradict the look on his face, which was a mix of uncertainty, and… something else that Yamaguchi just couldn’t place right then.  But whatever it was, it was going to have to wait, because at that moment, Yamaguchi’s mother came up to greet them.  

“Ahh, you must be Tsukishima… Welcome! It’s so nice to finally meet you. I’m Yamaguchi’s mom… But you probably already knew that, huh?”

“Oh.  Yes. Hi. It’s nice to meet you too.” He gave a slight bow. “Thank you for inviting me tonight.”

“Oh, it’s no trouble at all!  It’s been so long since Tadashi’s had a friend over. Actually, now that I think about it, I think you might be the first ever to-”

“Mom!” said Yamaguchi, giving her a look. He couldn’t believe it- dinner hadn’t even started yet, and she was already embarrassing him.  Thankfully though, Tsukishima didn’t seem to pick up on this.

“Oh, really?” he asked.  “I would have surely thought that Hinata would have dropped by at least once by now.  Whether you invited him or not.”

“No; I’m always the one going to his house. He has all the good gaming systems. I’ve only been a few times though because he’s been so busy practicing offense combinations with Kageyama on the weekends.”

“You mean they don’t get enough of that during the week?” 

“Apparently not.  In fact, sometimes I see them in the courtyard at school, after regular practice, doing extra practice!  I don’t know how they do it.  It’s kind of amazing…” 

“It’s kind of stupid,” Tsukishima mumbled, but not loud enough for Mrs. Yamaguchi to hear, because she simply smiled and shook her head.  

“Well, they sound like very dedicated and ambitious young men… But I still say you should convince them to take a day off so they can come over.  I’d love to meet all the rest of your new friends too!”

“Y-yeah, sure; I’ll work on it…” He didn’t bother to mention that he wasn’t exactly friends with Kageyama.  “Come on, Tsukki; lets go eat,” he said, as he ushered him into the kitchen.  There, Yamaguchi’s father was finishing up setting the table.  When he saw that their guest had arrived, he grinned.  “Tsukishima, hello!  It’s nice to finally put a face to the name.”

“Mr. Yamaguchi…” He extended his hand, but then thought better of it and moved to bow instead.  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Sir.”

“Oh, thank you, but please, no need to be so formal. You’ve been a good friend to my son, so you’re welcome here any time.” 

“Thank you, Mr. Yamaguchi.” 

“Sure.  Now please, have a seat.  Anywhere you’d like.” He gave Tsukishima what was meant to be a friendly pat on the shoulder, a welcoming gesture. Yamaguchi cringed as he watched his friend’s body go rigid at the touch.  It was only for a second, but he definitely picked up on the tension, as did his father, who was quick to apologize.  “Oh, sorry!  You don’t really know me yet, so… sorry about that.  I spend so much time doing business in America, I guess I’ve adopted some of their habits without even realizing it.”

Tsukishima perked up at this. “You do business in America?”

“Oh yes; I generally go there a few times a year.”

“What part?” 

“California.  Los Angeles, to be more specific.  Have you ever been?”

“Yes, a few times, actually.  It’s been a long time since I last went… but since my mom is working in the Los Angeles branch of her company right now, I see pictures of the city all the time.  Every day, actually.  My mom loves to take pictures.  And then flood my inbox with them.” 

Mr. Yamaguchi chuckled.  “Well, I think that sounds nice.  I would have sent pictures to these two, but I was cooped up in the office for most of my trip this time, so I’m afraid my pictures wouldn’t have been very interesting… But I guess it’s different for your mother, since she maintains a residence there… right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well then, maybe I’ll have to ask her for suggestions on neat places to visit on my next trip to Los Angles… provided I get any free time, that is.  What’s her favorite part about living in the city?” 

“The food.  Definitely the food.  Speaking of which, this food looks delicious, Mrs. Yamaguchi.  I’m getting hungry just looking at it.”  And with that, Tsukishima took a seat at the table, and waited for everyone else to follow suit.  Yamaguchi sat down next to him and released a breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding.

 

_That was close_ , he thought to himself.  _Thank god it worked itself out though._

 

He thought he had prepped his parents for everything concerning his friend’s many quirks and sensitivities. No talking about his father, no talking about Hinata or Kageyama, no talking about support group, and any discussions about volleyball club were only allowed to a limited extent… Yet he had forgotten to warn them about the no touching rule, one that was never explicitly stated, but rather heavily implied through his actions.  Not that he knew why the blond hated to be touched so much… Then again, he didn’t understood why that boy did anything he did; he wished he understood, but… Looking at Tsukishima now, wearing one of his more natural smiles, holding easy conversation with his parents, he supposed it didn’t really matter right now.  

The rest of the evening went relatively smoothly; mostly they talked about school, but they also talked about a couple of Tsukishima’s hobbies, like his music and his cooking.  It was at this point that Yamaguchi’s mother brought out the cake, and a grin spread across his face as he saw the blond’s eyes go wide. 

“You… you made this?  For me?”

Mrs. Yamaguchi laughed.  Well, we heard that strawberry shortcake was your favorite, so… we tried.  It tastes better than it looks, I promise!” 

“We tried?” Tsukishima questioned, eyeing Yamaguchi. “Did you help make this?”

“Ahh, no, not really; I just… I just decorated the top a little bit… and the sides, so that it didn’t look so messy… I mean, I’m sure you could do a lot better, but-”

“Thank you.  It looks good.”

“Really?!” Yamaguchi and his mother exclaimed at nearly the same time. 

“Well… Yeah.  I mean, this is your first time making it, right?  You should have seen the first strawberry shortcake I made…” He paused, looking up towards the ceiling, as if recalling a memory.  Then he shook his head.  “Or, maybe not. Cake batter everywhere… Anyway, I would love to try a piece, Mrs. Yamaguchi.” 

“Of course, Tsukishima, Dear. You boys will have to eat quickly though, if you want to make it to support group on time.”  

“Right.  Of course.”  Though he hadn’t said anything, Yamaguchi could tell that his friend had been considering ditching again, just like last week; he could see it in his eyes.  But apparently, making a good impression on his parents was more important right now, so maybe he would actually go tonight like he was supposed to. Hopefully, he would.  He honestly didn’t know what kind of excuse he could come up with to give to Take-sensei if he didn’t…

His train of thought was interrupted when his mother set a small plate of cake down in front of him.  He took a small bite and nodded.  “You’re right mom; it does taste better than it looks. A lot better!”

“You think so?”  Mrs. Yamaguchi beamed.   “Thanks, Honey. What do you think, Tsukishima?”

There was no answer, but one look at Tsukishima and his glowing, childlike smile told them everything he needed to know.

“Hmm, I don’t know… Do you like it, Tsukki?”

“Shut up Yamaguchi,” he mumbled. “…Yeah.” 

Ten minutes later, they had finished their dessert and were ready to go.  But not before Yamaguchi’s parents said goodbye. 

“Have a good session, boys!”

“It was nice to meet you, Tsukishima. Come back any time! But in case we don’t see you before your match, good luck against Nekoma.” 

“Huh?”  Tsukishima squinted and coked his head to the side.  “What mat- oh… Ohhh, that?  No; it’s only a practice match; it doesn’t count for anything, so it’s not very important.”

“Hmm, well… Maybe.  But still, you’re starting, right?  Against a top notch team, no less.  I’d say that’s pretty important.  So, good luck… I’m sure you’ll do your best.”

“Ahh… yeah.  Thank you, Sir- err, Mr. Yamaguchi.  Have a good night.”  And with that, he turned and left, leaving Yamaguchi to hurry out behind him.

“Tsukki!  Bye, Mom; bye Dad!  See you later! Tsukki, wait up! Geeze, Tsukki; you walk fast!”

The taller boy slowed his pace. “Oh… Sorry.  So, your parents are nice.” 

“You think so?”

“Yeah…” He blushed slightly.  “I see where you get it from now.”

He was quiet for the rest of the walk to the community center, but it wasn’t a bad quiet, so Yamaguchi didn’t push him; he just stayed close, proud of his improving ability to match Tsukishima’s strides. After over a month of walking with the boy, he had learned to appreciate this kind of quiet. It was pleasant... It was peaceful.

That peaceful feeling, however, dissolved in seconds as they entered the room for support group.  Not that it was loud; it was rarely ever genuinely loud in there, but something about support group always seemed to make his friend more than a little tense.  It was a subtle change, so subtle that most people wouldn’t notice; a slightly stiffer body posture when he moved, and a slightly fidgety demeanor when he sat down, which was particularly apparent in the way he clasped and unclasped his hands… He didn’t know how he had come to know all this; perhaps he simply spent too much time observing Tsukishima…  But now that he’d noticed these behaviors, he couldn’t help but spot them whenever they occurred. And they most commonly occurred during volleyball practice, and in here.  Yamaguchi couldn’t quite place what about this place put his friend on edge, but if he had to guess, it was probably the general purpose of these gatherings that bothered him the most.  These meetings were meant for talking through your anxieties, addressing them and finding ways to overcome them, or at least cope with them in a more healthy manner.  And clearly, whatever anxieties Tsukishima had were buried deep inside, probably in a part of himself that he wasn’t ready to address yet.  Maybe not for a long time.  

 

_Maybe not ever, with the way things are going now… Maybe he needs a little nudge._

He took his usual seat next to Hinata, and Tsukishima took his usual seat right next to him.  “Hey, guys!” said Hinata with a smile.  “How’s it…” he trailed off for a second as he saw Tsukishima slip on his headphones, but then he just shook his head and continued.  “Whatever… Hey- Yamaguchi; guess what?” 

“What?”

“Take-sensei’s going on a date tomorrow night!”

“Really?  Wait- How do you know that?” 

“Well, I was coming back from the bathroom, and I overheard him talking in the hallway to a friend on the phone- something about being nervous for tomorrow night?  And then he said it’s been awhile since he’s put himself out there, so what else could that mean?!” 

“Wow… you’re right.  I guess Take-sensei is going on a date.  A first date, it sounds like.”

“Yeah.  I wonder if he’ll tell us… Then maybe we can give him dating tips to make sure he’s ready.” 

“D-dating tips?  Hinata… You’re talking about a room full of kids with anxiety, the majority of us with social anxiety… Do you really think that any of us have actually even been on a date, let alone have any advice to offer about it?”

Hinata’s face fell.  “Oh yeah.  I guess you’re right.  I’ve never dated a girl before.  I don’t think I’ve ever even had a crush on one before.  But that’s only cause I’m too busy with volleyball!” 

“Wait a minute!  If you’ve never even had a crush before, why would you want to give dating advice?”

“Well… because… Ok, I didn’t think I was gonna do it, but I thought somebody in here might have experience… What about you, Yamaguchi?”

“M-me?  Of course not!  I’ve never dated anyone before!”

“But have you ever had a crush on anyone?”

“… No… Well… not on a… on a girl, anyway.”

“What do you- ohhh… Oh!  I get it!  You like boys!”

“Hinata!  Not so loud!” 

“What?  It’s not like it’s a big deal… So?  Who was it?” 

“Huh?”

“The boy you had a crush on?”

“Oh… Well, umm...” For a few seconds, his eyes instinctively settled on Tsukishima, who thankfully, wasn’t paying attention to this conversation at all.  He cleared his throat and looked down at the ground.  “It’s nobody you would know.” 

“Aww, Yamaguchi; that’s not fair! If I liked somebody, I’d tell you!”

“I’m sorry... Ummm… Maybe some other time… It’s… It’s kind of hard to talk about… Right now…”

 

_Oh my god could I be any more obvious?!_

 

“Huh?  Was that supposed to be a hint?”

 

_Apparently, I could…_

“Uhh- no.  No it wasn’t.  Just- I’ll tell you later, ok Hinata?”

“Really?”

 

_Actually, I think I’d rather die._

“Yeah… Later.”

 

_Much, much later._

“All right, everyone!  Welcome back!”  

Yamaguchi had never been more grateful to hear Take-sensei’s voice than he was right now.  He turned to face the center of the circle and sank back into his chair, thankful that, at least for now, he had dodged a very awkward conversation that he didn’t care to have with anyone just yet, let alone with Hinata.

“Sorry about starting a little late; that phone call… it took a little longer than expected…  Anyway, since we’re running a little late, I’ll get right to it. Today’s suggested theme is family. I know that seems like such an obvious topic, but I noticed that we’re generally externally focused in here; our conversations tend to revolve around what happens when we step outside of the house.  And that’s not a bad thing at all… But sometimes, it’s good to take a step back from our external environment, and focus on a more internal environment. The home; the family… Though you may not realize it, your families can make a huge impact on your recovery process; either a positive, or a negative impact.  That is not to suggest that any of your loved ones would purposely get in the way of your recovery, though sadly, that is a possibility for some people…  But even if your loved ones have the best intentions, which they probably do, the fact of the matter is, unless they themselves have suffered from anxiety before, they can never fully understand what you’re going through.  Sometimes, they might say or do the wrong thing. Sometimes they might want to help, but they have no idea what to do.  And so, as we become more and more aware of ourselves, it can be beneficial to communicate with our loved ones; for instance, to talk about what works and what doesn’t work, in terms of keeping us calm when we’re on the verge of a panic attack, or how much space to give us after we’ve had a bad day… Things like that. Of course, you’re free to do this at your own pace, and you should only discuss matters that you are comfortable with talking about… Some of you might not be ready to take what you discuss in here and share it with your families… And that’s ok.  But for tonight, whether you share or not, I want you to all keep your families in mind, and to at least think about these questions: What is my family doing that’s helping me with my anxiety?  What, if anything, could they be doing better? What are they not doing? Think about these questions, and, if you’re up for it, share with a friend when we break into small groups in a little bit.  And I understand that the family can be a sensitive subject for some, so if you’d rather come talk to me one on one, you can do that, or, if you prefer, you can write me a note too. I’ll have some pen’s and paper sitting on the end of the snack table during small groups.  Now, that said, would anyone like to share now?”

There were a few volunteers, Hinata included, and everyone only had positive things to say about their families. They were supportive, asked them about their day, and they let them take a mental health day every now and then, if they really needed it… Yamaguchi listened to everyone’s comments and nodded in affirmation when he heard something that his own parents did. From what he heard, it sounded like his parents were doing pretty much everything right… That was reassuring. He looked over to see if Tsukishima was doing something similar, but the taller boy didn’t even seem to be paying attention; the headphones were down, but his head was clearly somewhere else again. He sighed.  Once circle sharing was over, he nudged the blond in the side. “Tsukki?”

“Hmm?”

“It’s time to pick a partner. Hinata already said he was going to pair up with Yachi again.”

“Who? 

“The uhh, the girl with the short blond hair… and the ribbon? But anyway, the important thing is, you’re my partner now.”

“Oh, I don’t know… now that I know I’m your second choice…”

“Tsukki…” 

“Ok, ok fine…” He chuckled.  “What do you want to talk about?”

“Ahhh, but… We always talk about me; lets focus on you tonight.”

“Didn’t we just do that over dinner with your family? What else could you possibly want to know?”

“Hmm… are you nervous about the Nekoma match?”

“Nope.  What else have you got?” 

“Ok...” He paused.  He  was not good at this… Therapists had a tough job, he realized, getting people to talk about themselves. “Well… how about Take-sensei’s theme for tonight?” 

“What?  There was a theme?  I couldn’t tell.”

“Tsukki, please.  Be serious for a second.  Work with me.” 

Tsukishima let out a heavy sigh. “Fine.  Family.  Yeah… What about it though?”

“Well, your mom seems pretty cool, so, what does she do to help you through your, umm… anxiety?” 

“You mean other than calling me every morning, like someone else I know?” 

Yamaguchi snorted.  “Yeah.  Other than that…” 

“Ok…”  For a moment, he went totally silent, clasping and unclasping his hands together. Finally, he answered with, “I don’t really know if my mom helps much or not.  I love her, but there were a lot of things she didn’t notice. Things she still doesn’t notice… But when it really counts, she does pull through… You umm… you had your panic attack when you were about 10 right?” 

“Yeah.”

“I was 11 when I had mine… It wasn’t my first, and it wasn’t my last… But it was my worst one that I can remember… It was a rough time for me, and that was about the time my mom finally noticed.  It was a rough time for her too though… So we both took a month away from everything.  She took off work, I took off school, and then we left Japan together.  I’ll give you one guess where we went.”

“…Los Angeles?” 

“Yup.  Well, not exactly.  We went into the heart of the city sometimes to eat at the really good restaurants, do some shopping, or go to a concert or two, but we didn’t stay in the city. We stayed in a house she rented that was right on the beach, a beach about 45 minutes outside of the city. We spent most of our time there, splashing in the water, collecting seashells, listening to music sprawled out on the sand as the sun set… We didn’t talk a whole lot that month, and when we did, it was never about our problems.  Still, during that month we spent in California, I was happier than I’d been in a long time.  Because we just got to take a break from our lives, relax, and not worry about anything. And the best part was that nobody pitied us.  Nobody looked at us like we were broken. Because nobody knew us there.  So I guess that vacation was the best thing she ever did for me… Until recently…” 

“Until recently?  What does that mean?”

“Nothing… Just thinking out loud for a change.”

“Oh… ok.”  He should have known that this share session wouldn’t last for very long However, he was somewhat proud that he had managed to pull anything at all out of the normally tightlipped blond.  So this was definitely a start tonight.  Even if it was a small one.  “What do you want to talk about now?”

“Well, I would say you and your family, but your family seems pretty much perfect, so we can skip that.  Have you been sleeping any better the last couple nights?”

“Oh… yeah, a little.  I’m still not falling asleep as fast as I’d like, but I got almost 6 hours of sleep last night, which is pretty good for me lately… I think your mix is helping.  Plus, some of the songs are really beautiful to listen to anyway, so I’ve started doing my homework to them sometimes… It helps calm my nerves when I’m working on English… and math.” 

Tsukishima smiled.  “Well, good.  I’m glad you like them.  And if you want a translation for any of the English songs, just let me know.”

“Ok; I will…  Actually, there was one towards the end that sounded really interesting, but I couldn’t understand any of it.” 

“Which one?” 

“Here, let me show you,” he said, pulling out his phone.  “Oh, but first, Tsukki?”

“Yeah?”

“About what you said before… about that thing that your mom did for you recently?  The best thing she’s ever done?”

“Yeah?”

“Well… I know you won’t tell me what it was, and that’s ok… but you should tell your mom.  I’m… I’m sure she’d be happy to know.” 

Tsukishima nodded, then plucked Yamaguchi’s phone from his hands.  “Oh, this song, huh? This is a good one.  One of my favorites.”

“Tsukki…” 

“Yes, I heard you.  I was already planning on it. Tomorrow, when she calls me at some ungodly hour in the morning, I’ll be sure to actually answer it. And then… I’ll tell her thank you.”


	12. Sleepless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so before we get to the new chapter, I just noticed the other day that this story has finally reached, and slightly passed, 500 kudos! So, umm, wow- thanks guys! It's my first story on here to do that, so I think that's pretty cool... And of course, thank you to all of you who have taken to write a comment on this story; I love seeing them show up in my inbox, so thank you :)

The team filed into the small lodge where they’d be staying for the week, with Hinata and Kageyama in the front of the group, and Tsukishima and Yamaguchi trailing in the back.  Naturally, Hinata was marveling at everything he saw, while Tsukishima was quietly grumbling something about why they had to spend their whole break here in this dump.  Yamaguchi normally didn’t approve of the blond’s constant pessimism towards their club activities, but in this case, he was inclined to agree with him. From the outside, this place looked more like a large abandoned shack than a lodge for training camp, and from the inside, it didn’t look much better.  The paint on the walls, which had probably once been white, was dirty, greyish, and slightly chipped.  The ceiling of the main entryway was covered in dust, and possibly cobwebs; he couldn’t tell from where he was standing, and honestly, he didn’t really want to find out. “Well… maybe our sleeping rooms will be nicer,” he offered, in an attempt to be positive, though whether it was for Tsukishima’s sake, or for his own, he wasn’t sure.

Tsukishima snorted.  “Yeah, I’m sure the floors will be sparkling, and the beds will feel like puffy white clouds… I just hope the showers are clean. And private.”

“Yeah, me too…”

“All right, everyone, just set down your stuff here by the vending machines,” Suga said calmly.  “Daichi and I will sort everything out while you guys eat, so go on ahead; the dining hall is at the back.  Shimizu is waiting for you.  At the mention of Shimizu, Nishinoya and Tanaka sprang into action. They quickly discarded their belongings and ran down the hall.  The rest of the team followed, with their usual varying degrees of enthusiasm. Hinata and Kageyama did their usual sprint race, the promise of food, keeping them going at full speed… Yamaguchi had to admit, whatever kind of food was going to be served tonight, he was eager to eat too.  He just didn’t have any energy left to run for it.  

They were among the last to arrive at the dining room, and the last two seats at the bigger table were being reserved for the captain and vice captain, so they had to sit at the smaller table, along with two of the second years.  It was a much quieter table, and he could tell that that his friend appreciated it. They served themselves a generous helping of curry and rice, and took a seat across from the two older boys, who seemed to be content to just eat their meals in peace.  It was a stark contrast from the other table, which was bursting with energy.  Without even paying much attention, he could tell that there was an eating contest going on between the other first years and a few of the second years, and that there was already talk about crushing their opponent on Sunday.  Yamauchi smiled, shaking his head slightly. “Wow, do these guys ever slow down?”

“No.  But hopefully this means that they’ll tire themselves out and go right to sleep tonight.” 

“You think we’ll be sharing a room with them?”

“I’d be surprised if we didn’t. I’m assuming that the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd years will each get their own room, so if that happens, we’ll be bunking with those idiots for the next four nights. I hope you’re prepared.”

“Oh, come on; it won’t be that bad… All we have to do is…” He trailed off as he heard dishes being dropped.  He turned around to see Tanaka on the floor, with his plate and glass and all its contents spilled all over the floor, along with a glimpse of Hinata barreling towards the exit, clutching his stomach.

“You were saying?”

“Ahh… I guess he took it a little too far with that eating contest.”  He sighed. It was going to be a long five days…

After the commotion died down, and the mess was cleaned up, everyone quickly finished up their dinner and headed to their rooms, which were divided up exactly as Tsukishima had predicted.  Four futons were in their room; two on the left side, and two on the right.  Tsukishima selected for them; they were sleeping on the left.  Not that it really mattered, but setting up their own sleeping areas gave them something to do while they waited for their turn at the showers. Hopefully, they would be clean, but after seeing the kitchen, and now the sleeping areas, he was much more optimistic.  Apart from the entryway, everything else seemed fairly clean.  A bit plain, and a bit old looking, but overall, a much nicer appearance than what the outside would suggest.  So now, the only thing he was really worried about was whether there would be enough hot water left for the first years when it was their turn. 

A half an hour later, he found that there was, in fact, not enough hot water left.  Not even close to enough.  He had spent probably less than a minute under the lukewarm water before it went completely cold. He shrieked and instinctively jumped away from the water, but then he remembered that his body was still covered in soap, and he begrudgingly slipped back under the freezing cold shower spray.   

“Yamaguchi?” came Hinata’s voice from two stalls over. “You ok?”

“Y-yeah…  I’m ok. My shower water j-just got really cold all of a sudden… I think this one’s out of hot water… N-no, I know it is.”

“Really?  Oh man, that sucks; I’m sor- AHHHHH!!! SO COLD!”

“S-shut up D-dumbass!  Be th-thankful that your h-hot water held out this long!" 

“Y-you mean your hot water w-went out too?”

“What do you think?!”

“Oh… Hey!  Ts-ts-tsukishima!  Y-you got any hot water left?”

Yamaguchi listened for an answer; he was curious too. “Tsukki?”  There was a pause, then a sharp intake of breath, a quiet whimper, and then, finally, 

“No.  I do not. I’m getting out now. The water in the stall next to him shut off, and then there was the sound of a shower curtain opening and closing, followed by a sigh of relief.  Yamaguchi was quick to join him; he didn’t need to wash his hair tonight anyway… Hinata and Kageyama were both quick to get out as well, and the four of them shared a moment of solidarity as they stood there shivering, drying off as fast as they possibly could so that they could put on some warm clothes. Then once they were all dressed, they came to a silent agreement that it was best to go out there looking composed, and to pretend that the screaming never happened.  Complaining would likely only result in teasing from their senpais, and none of them wanted that.   They went back to their room with their heads held high, though he was sure that none of them were looking forward to doing this again tomorrow.

Again, as Tsukishima had predicted, the oddball duo fell asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillows.  Hinata hadn’t even bothered pulling a blanket over himself; he just lay sprawled out on his back, and he was out cold within minutes. Kageyama wasn’t far behind, and very quickly, it was just the two of them left awake in the now dark room. And then, soon after that, it was just Yamaguchi  lying there awake. It was strange; physically, he was exhausted, and more than ready to go to sleep.  But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t shut his mind off. The harder he tried, the more active his brain seemed to become.  In fact, now that there weren’t any other distractions, his brain was more active than it had been all day, and all.  What was the practice match going to be like?  Would he do well?  Would he mess up? Would he even get to play? Then, there was the thought of how much homework he’d pushed aside for later that he’d have to hurry up and do right after training camp was over… Plus, there was that oral presentation that he needed to work on… and by work on, he meant start…

 

_Oh god, don’t start thinking about homework; then you’ll never get to sleep!_

He shook his head and tried to force himself to think of something else.  That something else turned out to be Tsukishima.  This was the first time they had ever slept this close.  Just thinking about it made his heart beat a little faster… Yes. Tsukishima was lying just a few feet away from him- close enough to touch if he tried… or if he moved around too much in his sleep, because sometimes he did that.  He swallowed.

 

_I hope I don’t kick him in my sleep.  Or worse, hug him or something, and then he wakes up and thinks I’m weird… Maybe I should move my mattress over a little?  No, then he might wake up and wonder what I’m doing…_

Yamaguchi rolled over on his side to take a look at his sleeping friend.  Or, at least, he assumed he was sleeping.  Tsukishima was currently curled up on his side, his back turned to Yamaguchi. The blankets were pulled up to the top of his neck, and he had his headphones on.  In the silence and stillness of the room, he could tell that there was music still playing, though judging by the even breathing, he guessed that the blond had probably just forgotten to turn his iPod off before going to sleep. Or maybe he had meant to fall asleep like that… Actually, now that he thought about it, it was a good idea. He sighed.  If only he had brought his own headphones… Right now, he was really wishing he had.  But unfortunately, he hadn’t even thought about bringing them, so instead, he closed his eyes and lay still, trying to focus on Tsukishima’s music, even though he could barely hear it. 

It didn’t work.  So eventually, he gave up on trying to listen, and just rolled over and waited to fall asleep. 

 

He waited.

 

And waited.

 

And waited.

 

And waited…

 

At one point, he thought he heard quiet whimpering, but he must have imagined it, because it quickly stopped, and then he never heard it again.  Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he felt around for his phone and turned it on to look at the clock. It was 1:25am. He frowned and turned his phone back off.  Then he groaned. Why couldn’t he sleep? No, that was the wrong question. The real question was how was he going to get some sleep?  He needed to sleep; after all, practice was starting early tomorrow.

 

_Should I get something to eat?_  He wondered. _Or something to drink?  Maybe take another shower?  Maybe the hot water will be back by now…  No, that might wake people up… Maybe I should just get some air?  Yeah… Yeah, that sounds good._

Yamaguchi slid out from under the blankets. He grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder, and then, as quietly as possible, he tiptoed around Tsukishima’s futon and out the door.

The walk down the hall was nerve wracking; even though he knew he wasn’t really doing anything wrong, he had this irrational fear that he would get caught, and then something bad would happen. His heart was pounding against his ribcage; his gym bag slammed against his back as he walked, and every step he took was making the old wooden floors groan in agony.  Everything was too loud right now.  Even his breathing was too loud, so he held it in until he made it outside. 

The air hadn’t cooled much since earlier that day, but the breeze felt good, compared to the stuffiness he had felt while indoors. Closing his eyes, he stood there for a moment, in his bare feet, just content to let the fresh air touch his skin, and to listen to the crickets chirping. 

But then there was another noise. Was it footsteps? Or was he only imagining that? Was someone-

“What are you doing?”

“Gah!!” He spun around to find that it was just Tsukishima standing behind him.  He sighed. “Geeze, Tsukki; you scared me!”

“Oh.  Sorry. What are you doing? Because if you’re skipping out on training camp, then I’m coming with you because you are not leaving me alone with those two idiots until Sunday.”

“Huh?  What makes you think- Oh.  The bag… Oh, no; I just brought it out here because I know my shoes are in here, and I didn’t want to wake anybody up by rummaging through my bag… But I guess I woke you up anyway, since you followed me out here, so… Sorry.”

Tsukishima stared him down with his usual soul-piercing gaze, though the effect was diminished slightly by the bedhead and pajama shorts.  “So, you’re not running away then?”

“No.”

“Good.  And it’s ok; I was never asleep to begin with.”

“Oh, ok… Wait, why are you still up?”

Tsukishima shrugged.  “Can’t sleep.”

“Why not?" 

“I don’t know.  Why can’t you sleep?”

“Hey, that’s not fair!  I asked first.” 

“I already told you, I don’t know- maybe it’s because the person next to me keeps tossing and turning and rustling the blankets because they can’t seem to find a comfortable position, and maybe I find that irritating...”  He stopped, trailing off as Yamaguchi’s face fell.  “Sorry. That’s not true. I just find these mattresses really uncomfortable.  But seriously, why can’t you sleep?”

“I don’t know… Ok, yeah I do. I just can’t stop thinking about everything I need to improve before the game on Sunday, and then all the stuff I have to do after the game when I get home, and… And also… This is actually the first time I’ve ever spent the night away from home without my parents.”

“Really?”

“Oh god, that sounds so lame, doesn’t it? It’s true though; I never got invited to sleepovers as a kid, and I was so painfully shy that sleep-away camp was out of the question…  So, aside from the few trips out of town to go visit relatives, this is the first time I’ve spent the night somewhere other than my house… I guess I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.”

“Well, trust me, as someone who was invited to sleepovers as a kid, and sometimes forced to go to them, you didn’t miss much. Every time, it was always just a bunch of kids hyped up on sugar, all running around doing stupid things, excited to be up past their bedtimes.  I usually ended up ditching them to go play games on my phone, or to read and listen to music.”

Yamaguchi raised an eyebrow. “You went to sleepover parties?”

“Yes.  Like I told you before, I did have friends as a kid.  Though most of my friends were more like me and hated rowdy, obnoxious kids, so most of the sleepovers I got invited to were for birthday parties where every boy in the class was invited.  Sometimes, my mom let me skip these parties, or she’d make up some excuse why I couldn’t stay the night and pick me up early. She did make me stay the night though on a few different occasions, and each time, the experience was a unique brand of terrible. I was completely out of my element at these parties." 

“I can imagine.  So did you get homesick?”

“… I guess you could say that. Though more accurately, I was just sick of my classmates and ready to go home.  And I definitely found it hard to sleep sometimes.  But I figured out how to deal with that.  Basically, what you have to do is focus on something that reminds you of home.  No matter how different the place you’re staying at is, there’s usually something. The lighting, the beds, the noises outside, the way the sheets feel… It could be anything.  But whatever it is, make sure to focus on that, and nothing else, so you can pretend that you’re at home, and then you can fall asleep. Well, maybe,” he added. “That’s what works for me anyway.”

“Oh, ok,” Yamaguchi said, nodding. “That actually makes a lot of sense. It’s a good idea… So is that why you wear your headphones to bed?” 

“Yeah.  I feel like that’s the easiest way to tune out your surroundings, along with any unwanted noise.  But you didn’t bring your headphones, right?” 

“Right.”

“So you’ll just have to find something else to focus on.”

“Yeah.  Like maybe…”  He paused. What about this lodge reminded him of home?  Certainly not the lighting; it was dark in there, and he had a plugin nightlight in his own room. And not the surrounding noise either; at home, he could hear the crickets, but from inside the lodge, he couldn’t hear them at all… He supposed the beds here felt similar to the one in his room, but the blankets here were much scratchier, so that didn’t help very much… Really, now that he thought about it, there was only one thing at the lodge that brought him comfort and reminded him of home… And he wasn’t sure if focusing on it would actually help him get to sleep.  But as his mind flashed to the night when he had peacefully drifted off just inches away from Tsukishima on the blond’s bed, he couldn’t help but let the one word slip out of his mouth in a breathy whisper. “…You…”

“What?”

 

_Oh god was that out loud?  Please kill me._

When he didn’t answer, the taller boy cleared his throat and tried again.  “No, um, really. I didn’t get that; what did you say?”

 

_Never mind; it looks like I’ll live!_

 

“N-nothing!  I just- I thought of something to focus on…  I think.”  He tensed, worried that his friend might ask what that something was, and then he’d be forced to either lie or humiliate himself.  But to his relief, all Tsukishima said was,

“Good.  So are you ready to go back inside?” 

“Yeah, I think so.  I mean, I don’t really want to, but… I guess we should sleep.” 

“Yeah, I guess.  All right, let’s go.  He turned and headed back inside, leaving Yamaguchi to follow. 

They plodded quietly down the hallway, their socked feet making soft thuds against the floor as they walked. When they reached their room, Yamaguchi laid his bag back down against the wall and then settled back into bed. Tsukishima did the same, pulling the headphones back over his ears.

Yamaguchi lay on the far edge of his futon, trying desperately to recreate the feeling of that night from a couple of weeks ago, where he had been sleeping somewhere that wasn’t his bed, wasn’t his room, wasn’t his house even, and despite that, he had been able to fall asleep so easily… What was it about that night that had allowed him to ignore his usual fears and anxieties about sleeping in a strange place? Deep down, he was pretty sure he knew the answer to this; it was the blond’s presence...  And yet, the blond had been here all night, and still he couldn’t sleep… So what was the difference? 

Really, there was only one.    

He bit down on his lower his lip and steeled himself for what he was about to ask.  “Umm, Tsukki?”  

“Hmm?”

“You’re still up, right?  Wow, dumb question, sorry!  Of course you are, you answered me… Umm, anyway…. Would you mind if I… moved my mattress a little closer?”

“…Why?”

“I-I think I might need your… music… to help me sleep after all.  And I can’t quite hear it from over here.”

“Oh.  Do you just want to borrow my headphones?  The idiots are actually all being pretty quiet tonight.  I think I’ll be fine without them.”

“What?  No! Err- I mean no, I don’t want to take them away from you… Besides, you listen to your music kind of loudly; so… just being right next to you would be enough…  If that’s all right with you.” 

Tsukishima was quiet for a minute, apparently thinking it over.  Finally, he answered with, “If you really think it will help…”

“It will!”

“Ok then; come over here… Do you need help moving anything?”

“No… I think I got it.” He got up and pushed his mattress over the short distance, until it was just touching Tsukishima’s mattress. Then he climbed back into bed. If they were close before, now they were… well, he couldn’t even figure out what to call the position they were in now.  To an outsider, it might have appeared like they were spooning.  They weren’t, of course, but with how small the beds were, there wasn’t much choice in positions where they weren’t completely entangled in each other. Yamaguchi was practically pressed up against Tsukishima’s back, and his face was so close to the blond’s hair that he could tell what kind of shampoo he had used… He briefly took a moment to be impressed by the fact that the boy had even had time to use shampoo in the first place, and then he got embarrassed and moved back about an inch. 

“Is umm… Is this ok?” he asked.

“Yeah, it’s fine.  Now please, get some sleep, Yamaguchi.”

“Right!  Sorry, Tsukki!" 

“Don’t apologize for that.  Can you hear what I’m listening to?”

“Umm… yeah; I can… Thanks.”

“Sure.  Goodnight.” 

“Night, Tsukki…” He closed his eyes and smiled. This was much better- certainly very close to that night from a few weeks ago… Sure, they weren’t alone this time, but for right now, that didn’t matter because it was late, and everyone was asleep, and now all he could hear was the sound of soft piano chords and acoustic guitars… 

Which were later joined by the sounds of steady, even breathing….

Which gradually faded into nothing, as sleep finally took over Yamaguchi’s fatigued mind and body.  And he welcomed the takeover with open arms...

* * *

 

He slept well for the rest of the night- really well, in fact; though it wasn’t as much sleep as he should have gotten, it was more than he was getting most nights lately… Which was why he was confused when he awoke to find that his body felt heavy and weighed down. He didn’t feel sick though. Or overly tired… Practice hadn’t been any harder than usual yesterday.  Today would probably be a different story, but, for right now, why did he feel like this?  Maybe it was the mattress? Maybe he had slept wrong? After rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Yamaguchi moved to sit up, so he could try and see if stretching would help. 

But he couldn’t sit up.  He couldn’t move at all. 

Alarmed, he looked down, and it was there that he found the source of that heavy feeling.  There was a head buried in the left side of his chest, an arm draped across his stomach, and a long leg keeping his hips pinned down with impressive force for someone who was still asleep.  Yamaguchi gasped. A hand flew up to his mouth to keep any further noise from coming out.  It all made sense now… And at the same time, it made no sense at all. There were a million thought running through his mind, but in that moment, the only thing he could do was stare in awe of what was literally weighing his body down:

 

It was none other than one Tsukishima Kei.


	13. Safe

Internal screaming was probably the best way to describe what Yamaguchi did next.  As he continued to stare at the blond that lay sleeping on top of him, he wondered if he should be enjoying this.  Would a normal person be enjoying this?  He reasoned that they probably would, but he had long accepted the fact that he was not a normal person.  Not that this wasn’t nice, because it definitely was… Aside from the whole, not being able to move problem, of course.  He couldn’t exactly pinpoint it, but there was definitely something nice about having Tsukishima so close, with his limbs wrapped around him.  No, better than nice… wonderful… There was something wonderful about the way that their bodies were pressed together so intimately. This close contact created a pleasant warmth between the two of them, rather than a stifling heat like it should have, considering how warm it was outside.  The more he thought about it, the more he realized that maybe the pleasant warmth was that strange something that made this all so wonderful, despite his physical discomfort.  Because, despite everything, there was a part of him that wanted to stay like this all morning.  But the other part of him, the more logical part, reminded him that that wasn't possible- for many reasons, though one in particular stood out in his mind and kept echoing back to him.  

 

_He didn't mean to do this._

 

As much as he didn't want to believe it, he knew that this was probably true, or at the very least, a distinct possibility. Tsukishima was not normally an affectionate person, so it was unlikely that he would cling to Yamaguchi on purpose.  It probably just happened accidentally in his sleep; he had felt a subconscious need to hold onto something, and Yamaguchi had been the closest something available last night... He knew for a fact that he had done this with his pillows during the night many times, ever since he was a kid.  He remembered his therapist had told him that it was probably something he did to make himself feel secure, since he always seemed to wake up like this after having a nightmare, laying on his body pillow the same way that Tsukishima was laying on him.  Briefly, he wondered if Tsukishima had nightmares too, but then quickly decided that now was not the time to be thinking about that.  The real question, the question of main concern right now was, what was he supposed to do about the sleeping blond on his chest?

A soft groan from the blond sent his heart racing again.   

 

_Oh my god he's waking up what do I do?  Oh crap... Should I move him?  Should I pretend I'm still asleep and didn't notice him there?  Oh, but what if Hinata or Kageyama wakes up first and sees him like that; they'll never let him live this down...Hmm..._

 

It wasn’t always obvious, but Tsukishima actually did care about how others perceived him, so something like this might damage his fragile ego beyond repair.  So it was better to move him, he decided, and to pretend that this never happened. Reluctantly, he placed a hand on the blond’s shoulder, with the intent to gently push him back onto his own futon, when the worst thing imaginable happened.  

He woke up.  Yamaguchi froze and watched for a few seconds as his friend took in his surroundings. Tsukishima looked confused at first, then horrified.  He immediately pushed away and scooted back onto his own mattress.  His breathing, which had been so slow and even the night before, was now erratic and shaky.  

Yamaguchi sat up and reached out to his friend, just to pat him on the shoulder, to try and get him to calm down, but Tsukishima jerked away.  “Tsukki,” he tried, and for a moment, the blond looked up at him, his eyes wild and fearful. He seemed to want to say something, but no sound would come out.  He was patting the ground around the area behind him, and Yamaguchi later realized that he must have been looking for his glasses, because once he found them, he sprung to his feet and fled the room, nearly hitting the door frame on his way out. “Tsukki- Tsukki, wait!” he called, though it was far too late at that point.  “Come back… I just…”  He sank back down onto the futon and buried his face in his hands.  “Tsukki...  Ugh… Screwed up again, I guess,” he mumbled. 

“Hey… You ok over there?”  Yamaguchi let his hands drop to his sides, and found that Hinata was awake, staring at him.  Quickly he forced a smile and nodded.  “Oh, yeah, yeah; I’m ok; sorry about that!  Did I wake you up?”

“Nah, I was waking up on my own, and I just happened to see Tsukishima running out of here… What’s his problem, anyway? Other than usual I mean.” 

A nervous laugh escaped Yamaguchi’s lips. “I uhh- I don’t really know,” he lied. “I think its just Tsukki, being in one of his weird moods, you know?  I mean, it is the morning- he’s never in a good mood in the morning.”

“Yeah, that’s true, but… he wasn’t a jerk to you, was he?  Cause if he said anything mean to you, I can always, you know, take care of him for you!” He said this while punching his fist into his hand for dramatic effect, but seeing this action from someone who was shorter than his 12-year-old cousin was just beyond ridiculous. He chuckled.  

“No, Hinata, it’s ok; he didn’t say anything mean to me… but… thanks.”  There was probably no way he’d stand a chance against Tsukishima in a fist fight, if it ever came to that, but he decided not to mention it. 

“All right, but if you change your mind, you know where to find me!”  He flipped his phone open to check the time, then closed it again before getting out of bed. “Anyway, practice starts in an hour, so I’m gonna go see if the kitchen’s open yet.  I’m starving!  Do you wanna come?”

“Umm, I think I’ll meet you there. I need to go to the bathroom and send a quick text to my mom first.” 

“Ok!  Well, see you in a bit then!” 

“Oh, wait- Hinata?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you umm, did you sleep ok last night?” It was only a hunch, based on what he knew about Hinata, but the faint circles under his eyes and the way he flinched at the question told him that his hunch was probably right.

“Yeah, I… slept through the whole… all night… Why, did you hear anything?” 

“W-well… no… Should I have?” 

“Nope!  I mean, I don’t think so… I mean I wouldn’t know cause I was asleep the whole time, but it was pretty quiet last night… dead silent, actually! And really dark- like so dark I couldn’t see anything!  Hahah- It’s kinda like we’re camping, I guess, heh! That’s exciting… So cool…” At this point, he was fidgeting with his hands and slowly inching for the door, and Yamaguchi knew that his hunch had been right.  He nodded slowly, pretending he wasn’t noticing the other boy’s on-edge behavior.   

“Ahh, yeah… I guess… But I umm, I don’t really like how dark it was though… I think I’ll turn on my phone’s night light function tonight before we go to sleep… In case anyone needs to see to get up and use the bathroom…or something.  I mean, if it’s all right with you and Kageyama?  Would you guys mind having a small light on all night- that wouldn’t bother you, would it?”

The orange haired boy broke into a grin and shook his head. “Nope!  I don’t mind at all!  I don’t think Kageyama would mind either… RIGHT KAGEYAMA?!”

There was a low growl from the mound of blankets, and a distinctive, “Shut up, Dumbass!  Do you even know the meaning of indoor voice?”  

“Ehh, whatever- it’s time to get up now anyway! Oh, and by the way, Kageyama… I win!” 

“No you- win at WHAT?!  At kicking me in the side?  Because you were pretty good at THAT last night!”

“No, but… hehe; sorry!  I woke up first, so I win.”

“You can’t make that a competition! Not without telling me first!”

“Sure I can, because if I told you, you would have set an alarm, and that’s cheating!”

“Says who?!  Why are you making the rules here?  REMATCH! I want a rematch!” The setter crawled out from underneath the blankets and stormed over to the doorway where Hinata was standing. “Right.  Now.”

“Huh?” 

“Dumbass, aren’t you hungry?  First one to the kitchen wins, obviously.”

“Oh.  Ok. Why didn’t you say so? Last one to the kitchen has to take over the other’s gym cleaning duties for the week!”  And with that, he took off running, leaving a very angry Kageyama to chase after him. 

“WHAT THE HELL, HINATA; THAT’S CHEATING; YOU CAN’T JUST TAKE OFF EARLY!  THIS DOESN’T COUNT IF YOU WIN!” 

“HEY, DON’T BLAME ME JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO SLOW!”

“STOP TALKING SO LOUD, PEOPLE MIGHT STILL BE SLEEPING!”

It went on after that, but Yamaguchi stopped listening after both members of the oddball duo disappeared from view. He smiled and shook his head. It was incredible just how fast those two could go from being friendly to being angry, and then back again. But he supposed it didn’t really matter, as long as they were both having fun.  And as far as he could tell, they were having fun… probably. Most of the time, anyway. Either way, it was good to see Hinata bounce back to his old self so quickly.  He only wished that Tsukishima’s mood could be fixed that easily... 

With a sigh, he sent a quick text to his mother, assuring her that he was doing fine, that he’d made it through the first night away from home, and then he headed over to the bathrooms, hoping he would run into the blond while he was in there.  But of course, no such luck. He couldn’t find him in the dining hall either, though apparently, he had just missed him, according to Suga. Apparently he had come in, grabbed a carton of juice, and then left again.  Nobody could tell him where the blond had gone after that, but Daichi said that it looked like he was headed back towards the first years’ room. This information came with a request to make sure that Tsukishima actually showed up to practice today. Yamaguchi promised that he would do his best.  Then he grabbed some toast and juice and headed back to their room again. 

But, once again, it seemed that he had just missed him. Because in the first years’ room, he didn’t find Tsukishima, but he did find a mess of clothes on Tsukishima’s bed, including the pajamas he had worn last night.  His shoes, however, were missing. 

He sighed.  Now that his friend was dressed and had his shoes with him, he could be anywhere, maybe even outside.

 

_I just hope he didn’t decide to go home…Wait, no, he wouldn’t leave without taking his stuff, right?  Right… He has to be around here somewhere._

 

But where the blond actually was, he still didn’t have a clue.  And if he continued to go around looking for him, he might be late to practice himself, and still not find him. It was better to give up on the search, he decided.  Tsukishima couldn’t hide forever.  At some point, he would have to come out, and then they would talk.  But for now, he would let him have his space; he’d give him his alone time. Besides, it wasn’t like he knew like he was going to say to his friend anyway.  This would give him a little bit of time to think, at least. So with the problem pushed aside for the moment, Yamaguchi quickly got dressed for the day, and then went back to the dining hall.  He was still hungry, after all.  

The rest of the day went about as well as he’d expected it to, which was not well at all.  Tsukishima eventually showed up to practice, right after the rest of the team began their warm-up stretches.  The captain shot him a stern look as he came in, but he chose not to say anything.  Yamaguchi let out a small sigh of relief.  At least Tsukishima wasn’t in trouble- for now, anyway.  With a nervous smile, he motioned for his friend to come over and sit with him, but instead, he walked right past him, opting to sit near a couple of the quieter second years.  Yamaguchi tried not to look too disappointed as Hinata cocked his head to the side and mouthed, _What’s wrong with him?_  Because even though he wanted to confide in Hinata about what happened, he couldn’t right now, for so many reasons. First and foremost being that volleyball practice was the wrong time and place for this kind of conversation. Besides, having that conversation probably meant admitting that he liked Tsukishima as more than a friend, since he doubted he could get through the story of this morning with a straight face. So instead of an answer, he just shrugged and returned to stretching. 

Morning practice was frustrating, to say the least. Tsukishima was more out of it than usual, though judging by the look on his face, it wasn’t because he was tired. It was like he was in another world entirely, like whenever he was working on homework, or whenever he put on his headphones.  It was a certain state of mind he would go into; he’d put all his of focus on one thing, and for awhile, the rest of the world would fade.  To him, the gym, this court, and the rest of the volleyball team didn’t exist right now.  He saw right through them and their stares of confusion, concern, and irritation, as he missed block after block.  He barely noticed any of them.  With one exception, of course… It seemed like he was going out of his way to avoid being near Yamaguchi. And even when they had to be on the same side of the net for a practice match, he went out of his way to avoid eye contact with him.  This led to more mistakes and more frustration, from him, as well as the other members on their team for the practice match.  By lunchtime, Yamaguchi was more discouraged than ever, and this time, he didn’t even try to follow the blond when he picked up a small plate of food, then turned around and left the dining hall.  They didn’t have very long to eat before they had to return to the gym, so their talk was just going to have to wait a little bit longer.  

Afternoon practice went a little more smoothly, but only eleven players returned to the court, instead of twelve. Nobody said anything about it; though the absence of the tall middle blocker certainly didn’t go unnoticed. This made it even harder for Yamaguchi to focus on volleyball. He gave it his best shot, but his heart wasn’t in it, and he was pretty sure that everyone could tell. His suspicions were confirmed when Suga came up to him at dinner and asked what was going on with him and Tsukishima. For a moment, he froze. Then,

“Is it that obvious?” he asked. 

“So I was right then,” Suga replied. “Something did happen? Tsukishima came up to me and Daichi this afternoon and said he was feeling too sick to practice. He looked pretty tired and out of it, so I think Daichi believed him, but with the way he was acting this morning… The way both of you were acting… Did you two have a fight?”

 

_Actually, we sort of cuddled.  Accidentally, of course. But let’s go with a fight; that’s easier to admit._

“Uhh- Yeah!” he said quickly. “We had a fight this morning.”

“I thought so.  That’s rare for you guys...  What was the fight about, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“Ummm… Nothing important… It’s kind of embarrassing, actually.  And stupid. I’d rather not talk about it.” 

Suga nodded slowly, as he took in this new information. “I understand. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”  He flashed Yamaguchi a knowing smile.  “But you should talk about it with Tsukishima, whatever it is.  I’m sure you can work things out.”

“Well I’ve been trying to talk to him all day, but he keeps running away.”

“Hmm… I see.  I guess if he’s avoiding you, then there’s not much you can do but wait until he’s ready to talk.  But… from what I can tell, Tsukishima doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would be the first one to apologize.  But the more opportunities you give him, the sooner he’ll do it. I think you should go see him now; give him one more opportunity tonight.”

“Ok, I will… But Suga, what makes you think that it’s Tsukki that needs to apologize?” 

“Oh, I’m sorry!  Did I get that wrong?”

“Mmmm, well, sort of.  It doesn’t matter though; I’ll go talk to him. Thanks, Suga!” He stood up and ran out of the dining hall, leaving his plate full of food behind.  

He wasn’t sure where to search first, but since it was starting to get dark, he guessed that the blond was probably still inside the lodge somewhere.  He still expected that it would take awhile to find Tsukishima though, so it came as a surprise when he found him right away in the first years’ room. He stopped in the doorway, eyes dropping to the ground as he realized how completely unprepared he was for this. Suga’s speech had motivated him, but he still didn’t know what he was supposed to say.  Was he supposed to apologize?  Technically, he hadn’t done anything wrong, but he was the one who’d asked to push his mattress closer, so maybe this was all his fault?

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of something dragging across the floor, and he looked up to find that Tsukishima was moving his mattress into the back corner of the room.  He frowned. 

“Tsukki, what are you doing?” he asked as he entered the room.

The taller boy jumped at the sudden realization that he was no longer alone, and he dropped his mattress when he saw who it was that had joined him.  For a few seconds, his eyes held the same fear that Yamaguchi had seen this morning, but then that fear was gone.  His gaze turned hard and cold.  “What does it look like?” he snapped.  “I need my space.”

“Oh… of course.”  His shoulders sagged.

 

_Not sure why I expected anything different, with the way he’s been acting today… Better fix this fast._

“That’s fine.  And Tsukki?  About last night… and this morning… I’m sorry.  Can we just forget about it?”  He hoped that this would pacify the blond, and that he would go back to normal. But it didn’t work. Instead, his words only seemed to make him angrier.  

“Tch.  Shut up, Yamaguchi! And stop doing that.”

“Doing what?” 

“Apologizing for stuff that isn’t your fault. We both know that I… did that. Don’t we?”

“Well… Yeah.  But it’s all right.  Besides, if I hadn’t asked to sleep right next to you, this probably wouldn’t have happened in the first place .  So it’s partially my fau-” 

“I said, **_stop it_**!” Yamaguchi flinched at the outburst and backed up a few steps. Tsukishima must have noticed this, because his expression instantly softened.  

“Look,” he said, awkwardly rubbing at the back of his neck.  “I’ll lend you my headphones tonight, so you can sleep easier.  But you should stay on your side of the room.  Otherwise it might happen again.” 

The taller boy turned away, once again, avoiding Yamaguchi’s gaze, and before he could stop himself, the words just slipped out. “Was it… Was it really that bad?” he found himself asking. 

“What?  Well, wasn’t it?!  I saw the look on your face this morning.  It was just like what happened last time…  And I just wanted to… It’s just something I do in my sleep, ok?”

“O-ok, I get it, but- wait, this has happened before?”

“It’s happened a few times, actually. The last time was at a friend’s house, a long time ago… We were having a sleepover, just the two of us. It was actually going pretty well, until the next morning, that is… He didn’t talk to me much after that. Not that it really matters anymore… I don’t even remember what his name was.  But I do still remember the look he gave me that morning… And it was the same look you were giving me earlier, so stop acting like it’s fine, and let me apologize.”

“Huh?” 

“…Sorry.”

“Huh???  Uhh, did I miss something?” 

“You heard me!  I’m not going to say it agai- Look, I know that this whole thing freaked you out, but it was just an accident; it won’t happen again. And you’re the only person on this whole team that I can stand talking to for more than five minutes without wanting to jump out a window, so if you’re going to stop talking to me, I’d rather it not be over something so stupid.  Anyway, that’s it.”  Tsukishima bent down and reached into his bag, pulling out his favorite white headphones. He held them out tentatively to Yamaguchi, as if he were afraid their hands might accidentally touch in the exchange. And in that moment, something in Yamaguchi’s heart broke. 

“Tsukki…” In a brief flash of bravery, he reached out to take the taller boy’s hand.  The blond flinched, and the headphones dropped to the floor, but he made no move to pull away.  “Is that what this was about? Did you really think that I would stop being friends with you over this?”  Tsukishima didn’t answer, but his body language clearly said yes for him. “Tsukki, I don’t know what you think you saw this morning, but if I looked scared, it was because- because you looked scared!  More than scared, even- for a minute, I thought you might have a panic attack, right before you ran out on me…  I was worried about you.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok!  It’s fine, I promise!  Tsukki, you’re my best friend, and nothing is going to change that.  Ever.”  He offered the other boy a calm, gentle smile, even as the heat rose up in his cheeks. He had no idea where these words were coming from.  They were cheesy and embarrassing, but they were also keeping his friend from running away like he’d been doing all day, so he continued.  “I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, but I know that sleeping near you- err- sleeping near someone I know, someone familiar, helps me sleep, and makes me feel safe.  And from what I could tell before you woke up this morning, I think it might be the same for you too?” 

“I-”

“You don’t have to answer that right now if you don’t want to.  But I just want you to know, if that’s what helps you sleep, if that’s what makes you feel safe, then you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about it.  I mean everybody’s got something, right?  I guess I was just a little surprised your thing involved so much… touching.”

Tsukishima let out a shaky laugh. “Y-yeah.  Me too.”

“So you can move your mattress back if you want to, ok? I promise I won’t mind if you do.”

“Thank you,” he said, pulling his hand free. “But I’d still rather not.”

“Why- Oh… You know, I always set an alarm every morning, just to make sure I don’t oversleep…  I usually wake up before the alarm, but I could always set it for a little earlier for the rest of this week.  I can make sure we get up before the other two.” 

“…I guess we can give it a try.” He flashed Yamaguchi one of his genuine smiles.  “Not too early though. I find getting up before the sun to be obnoxious.” 

 

“Yeah I know; I know… So, umm, do you want to go to the dining hall now?  You must be hungry.” 

Tsukishima shook his head.  “Not really.  Besides, I’m supposed to be sick, so it wouldn’t look good if I showed up in there before tomorrow morning.  You can go back though, if you want to eat more.” 

“Nah, that’s ok.  I’m not very hungry either.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah...”

 

_Besides, I’d much rather spend time with you, Tsukki… Oh god, that was so lame; do not say that out loud!_

 

“All right.  So what do you want to do then?  No doubt the idiot duo will be eating for the full hour, or until the food runs out, whichever comes first, so we have some time.” 

“Hmm… Well, we’re probably supposed to wait our turn, but since nobody’s taken a shower yet tonight, I bet there’s plenty of hot water right now.  Maybe we could-”

“Yes.  You’re a genius.  Let’s go!”

Yamaguchi giggled.  “Wow, Tsukki, you must have really hated being cold last night!”

“Hey, I never went to sleep-away camp either,” he huffed.  “I’m not used to this.”

“Sorry, Tsukki, but you know I was just teasing… Oh, and, Tsukki?  Would you mind if I kept my cell phone light on tonight?”

“Yeah, sure, I don’t care… Honestly, I’m surprised he made it through last night ok.  It gets pretty dark in here.”

“Ehh- You mean you know about that?”

“Obviously.”  At Yamaguchi’s questioning look, he shrugged.  “Even I listen to the shrimp every once in awhile during support group.  It’s impossible to tune him out all the time.  I think he mentioned it once during small groups.”

“Oh, I see… Listen, please don’t-”

“Say anything?  Don’t worry; I wasn’t planning to.  Making fun of a kid who was practically crying?  That would be too cruel, even for me...  Now come on, let’s go and take some of the hot water before the third years hog it all.”

“Tsukki…” 

“Nope, Don’t say it.” 

“Sorry, Tsukki!”

“…Come on.”  He grabbed Yamaguchi’s hand and pulled him along towards the showers. At first, Yamaguchi stumbled behind him, but he quickly matched the blond’s pace, and soon they were walking side by side. 

It wasn’t until they got to their destination that they both realized they were still holding hands… and that neither one of them seemed to mind. 

 

_Friends can hold hands, right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I just wanted to say thanks for reading; you guys are awesome! I know I say that a lot, but there quite a lot of you here now, so if you're new to the story, welcome! (I hope you like awkward nerds slowly falling in love). Also, I've been thinking about maybe making a playlist in the future, to go along with this fic, with a song for each chapter or something? Not sure if anybody would be interested in that though, so I guess I'll ask here- would any of you be interested in having a playlist to go along with this fic? And yeah, that's it; I'm always too embarrassed to reply to your lovely comments individually because i hardly ever have a coherent response for any of them, so to anyone who's been leaving comments, or kudos lately, again, thank you so much!! :D


	14. Pretend

The rest of training camp passed by uneventfully, apart from the late night secret cuddling, which happened without fail every night, now that their mattresses were so close together again. He wasn’t sure when exactly it happened, but by the time he woke up every morning, the blond was pressed up against his chest, sometimes with his legs wrapped around him.  And every morning, he’d enjoy it for a moment before shaking him awake.  Tsukishima had still seemed embarrassed about the whole thing, but it was his usual level of embarrassment, which involved grumbling, avoiding eye contact, and changing the subject. And that was nothing he couldn’t handle.

The other first years seemed to have slept a lot better after the first night as well. Hinata was even more chipper; much to Tsukishima’s dismay, and Kageyama was less grouchy- at least, less grouchy in the mornings.  The request for the night-light hadn’t fazed the raven-haired boy in the slightest, but Hinata still thanked him privately later on for covering for him. And Yamaguchi hadn’t minded at all. He understood that in the volleyball club, Hinata was trying to act strong and brave because he wanted to be the ace someday, and, in his own words, “The ace can’t be a scared wimp who’s afraid of everything!”  He understood, though he wondered if Hinata had forgotten that their current ace actually was afraid of everything- including their libero and their captain. He hadn’t bothered to mention it though; if Hinata wanted to pretend to be fearless, then as his friend, Yamaguchi was happy to help him pretend.  What did it matter if people thought he was afraid of the dark? It wasn’t as if anybody thought he was strong or brave anyway. 

As for the practice matches, they went all right. But even though there wasn’t a whole lot to talk about, Tsukishima’s mom wanted to hear it all when she got home. And so, this was how he had ended up on the couch of the Tsukishima residence that next Friday night, with a fresh cup of tea and a plate of snacks in front of him.  Tsukishima lay sprawled out on the carpet below. Because even though Yamaguchi had offered to move over, he had refused, saying he was comfortable enough down there. He did accept one of the throw pillows that Yamaguchi had tossed down to him though. 

“So, how was camp?” asked Hotaru. She was sitting in one of the armchairs next to the couch, sipping on her own cup of steaming strawberry rose tea- apparently the love of strawberries ran in the family- eagerly awaiting some sort of story. 

“Oh, it wasn’t really all that exciting,” Yamaguchi began. “It was just like a really long practice session.”

“Too long,” Tsukishima chimed in.

“Oh, hush,” he chided.  “Anyway, it was just like a lot of our usual practice drills, only longer, and there was more time to work on our individual skills, like spiking, or receiving, or blocking- Tsukki did a little extra blocking; he’s getting pretty good at it!”

Hotaru smiled.  “Oh, yeah, that was always his best area of volleyball when he used to play before,” she said, nodding in agreement.  “So what skills did you practice, Tadashi?”

“Umm…” His shoulders slumped. “I’m not really all that good at any one particular area of volleyball yet.  I’m still just working on the basics.” 

“Well, that’s fine too!  Kei tells me that you’re still new at this sport, right?” 

“Well uh, y-yeah, but-”

“Then just worry about what you can do for right now. Don’t worry about what you can’t do. And don’t compare yourself to the other players on the team.  Besides, volleyball is supposed to be fun,” she added, making sure to look down at Tsukishima as she said it.  “So there’s no need to stress yourself out over it.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”  And he knew she was right, but that didn’t stop the knots from forming in his stomach whenever he thought about how unique and amazing all the other first years were, and how quickly they were all leaving him behind. How could he not compare himself to them?  But he didn’t want to sound too negative, or too hard on himself.  Negative thoughts were a slippery downward slope for him, and if he started falling down it now, it would take him awhile to recover. And he really wanted to enjoy tonight. It was the first time he’d been officially invited to sleep over at Tsukishima’s house, after all. So instead of letting himself fall, he let out a small sigh, took another sip of his tea, and moved on. For now.  “Anyway, on Sunday, we played five practice matches with this team from Tokyo called Nekoma.  Our coach is still kinda new, and he doesn’t know us all that well yet, so he had our captain help choose the player combinations for the games.  I got to play in two of the matches.  Tsukki got to play in four.” 

“Oh, that’s great!  How’d you guys do?” 

“Me?  I did ok, I think.  I know that I’m better than I was when we started, and I did manage to score a point or two. And as a team, I think we did pretty great!  Our moves are really starting to come together, and with a little more practice, I think we’ll be ready for the tournament.  And you should have seen the looks on the other team’s faces when Hinata and Kageyama showed off their quick set and spike to everyone.  Kageyama can hit the ball to pretty much anywhere on the court, and Hinata can run to pretty much anywhere on the court in a split second… Our team scored so many points, just from those two alone!” 

“We still lost though,” grumbled Tsukishima. “All five times.”

“Well… That’s true, but Nekoma is really good. Good enough to compete at the national level.  And we came close on a few of the games.  That has to count for something, right?” 

“Of course it does,” Hotaru agreed. “Even though you might never win against them, or only win a few times, having a strong opponent will only make you guys stronger in the long run.  Anyway, did anything else interesting happen during training camp? Other than the cold showers, because I’ve already been told about that.”  She smirked as her son grimaced at the mere mention of the showers, and Yamaguchi had to stifle a giggle before answering.  

“Not really.  But I’ve never been to any sort of camp before, so it was nice to get the full experience.”

“You mean the average food, uncomfortable beds, and loud, obnoxious bunkmates?” Tsukishima asked. 

“Yes.  It was very authentic, from what I’ve heard about camp.  But it was a good bonding experience, don’t you think, Tsukki?” He’d meant that in the innocent, harmless sense, that their team had grown a little bit closer now that they’d all lived together for a few days.  He only realized the other meaning when Tsukishima flipped over and buried his face in the pillow.  Then he felt his face getting really hot really fast, as he tried to backpedal the conversation. “Y-yeah, during lunch and dinner breaks, we all got to hang out and talk, and Tsukki showed me some of his new music, and uhh… yeah.  It was a- a good bonding experience.”  He chuckled nervously and prayed that Tsukishima’s mom wasn’t picking up on the awkward vibes that he and her son were giving off. 

Thankfully for them both, if she did notice, she didn’t say anything, because the next thing she asked was what they wanted for dinner tonight.  That was a much easier question to answer. 

* * *

 

After a couple hours of eating takeout in the living room while talking about movies and video games, a topic on which Hotaru was surprisingly knowledgeable, the two boys were now back up in Tsukishima’s room, lying on his bed.  Neither of them were ready to go to bed yet, but after a long day of school and club activities, they weren’t up for doing anything that involved to much moving, which limited their options considerably. 

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Yamaguchi offered.

Tsukishima shrugged.  “Eh.  Maybe. But I’ll probably fall asleep if we do.” 

“Hmm, ok… I don’t really know what else to do right now though.”  His eyes quickly scanned over the blond’s room, passing the books and CDs, the volleyball gear, and the computer chair, finally settling on the guitar in the corner. “Except… Hey, Tsukki?” 

“No.” 

“But you don’t even know what I was going to ask!”

“You were looking at the guitar again, right?”

“No... Yes.” 

“Thought so.  The answer’s still no.  Not a chance.”

Yamaguchi opened his mouth to argue, but decided against it, letting out a soft sigh instead.  “Ok, fine; you don’t have to play for me,” he conceded. “But I still think you should give it some thought, playing for the class.” 

“You mean for our support group?” 

“Yeah!”

“No.  Besides, we don’t even know if its happening or not.” 

“True, but a lot of the other kids seemed interested when Take-sensei brought it up yesterday, so I think it will happen.” There had been talk about potentially having a small talent show for anyone in support group who wanted to participate. It was supposed to be a good way to practice performing in front of a small crowd, without the added pressure of performing in front of strangers.  For now, it was just an idea, but they were going to take a vote the following week to see if this idea would actually become a reality.

To Yamaguchi, it didn’t matter much either way; he didn’t think he had any talents to share.  Still, he was planning on voting in favor of the talent show anyway, because he knew that some of the other group members were very talented and deserved a chance to perform, if they wanted to. And he was really hoping that with some persuasion, Tsukishima would agree to perform as well.  

“Whether it happens or not, I’m not interested.”

But persuading Tsukishima to do anything was easier said than done.  Yamaguchi sighed. “Will you at least tell me why? Do you not like playing the guitar or something?”  Honestly, the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind before.  Tsukishima’s mom didn’t seem like the type to force her son into something he didn’t want to do, but maybe his father was? Yamaguchi knew very little about the man, so he couldn’t deny it as a possibility.  Maybe Tsukishima’s father still had some influence on his friend after all…

But Tsukishima quickly shook his head. “It’s not that. I like the guitar; I wanted to learn how to play it.  But I only play because I enjoy it.  I don’t play for anyone else. Once you start sharing your work with other people, they start adding comments, critiques, and alternative interpretations to it.  It becomes theirs. It’s no longer your own. And I am not interested in handing my music over to twenty-something kids I barely know…  And no, getting to know them better will not change my mind,” he added before Yamaguchi could interrupt.  

“Ok… But I bet everyone would love your guitar playing because you’re probably amazing… They’d make comments, but they’d probably all make good comments, so is that really so bad?  Plus… you could show off in front of Hinata, and I know how much you love to do that.” 

At this, Tsukishima laughed.  “And just what makes you think I’m so amazing at playing the guitar anyway?  For all you know, I might not know how to play at all.  Or I might be really bad at it… That sheet music on my desk might not even be mine.”

Yamaguchi raised an eyebrow.  “Oh?  Then whose is it?” The blond shrugged and rolled over onto his stomach. 

“Who knows?”

“Hmm… You know you’re right.  I guess I don’t know if you’re good or not. But if you played something for me, I could decide for myself…” 

“No.”

“Come on, Tsukki, I want to hear you play. And even if you’re bad, I won’t judge. I mean, after all, you’ve heard me give my speech for history, what a dozen times?  And I know it’s not very good so far.  In fact, it kinda sucks.” 

The taller boy sighed.  “The speech is fine; it just needs a little more content. It’s only your conclusion that sucks. Speaking of which, have you written one yet? One that’s not, _Yeah, that’s about it…_?”

“Uhh, no.”

“Right.  We’ll work on that tomorrow then.” 

“Ok, thanks, Tsukki!  Also, I did write a new transition to go between my opening, and my first talking point, which is…” He trailed off, realizing that yet again, Tsukishima had done what he does best- change the subject. “Hey wait!  This is not what we were talking about!” 

“Hmm, you’re right.  We were looking for something to do, right?”

“No, we were- well, yeah, but…” 

“Yamaguchi.  Do you want to play Mario Kart?” 

“…Sure.  But, Tsukki, seriously, you know that I trust you, but… Do you trust me?”

The blond pursed his lips together and let out a heavy sigh. “Don’t- it’s not-” He got up off the bed and began rummaging through the Wii games on his bookshelf, presumably looking for Mario Kart.  “Look, I'll never play for someone as uncultured as Hinata, who wouldn't appreciate it, but... I didn’t say I would _never_ play for you. Just- maybe some other time, ok? I haven’t practiced in awhile, and the guitar’s not… properly tuned at the moment.”  He selected a game from the shelf and held It up for him to see. It was, in fact, Mario Kart. The latest version of Mario Kart, even. “Anyway, I know you don’t want to move, but I think you can at least make it to the guest room next door, right? Because that’s where the Wii is set up right now.”  And, without another word, he left the room, leaving the door open behind him. 

A huge smile spread across Yamaguchi’s face. It wasn’t much, but coming from Tsukishima, that was practically a promise.  And after being told no several times, he had never expected the blond boy to give in so easily, tonight of all nights… But he had, and so sometime, hopefully very soon, he was going to get to listen to Tsukishima playing the guitar. He wasn’t sure exactly when that would be, but he was sure about one thing.  Two things, really.  First, that Tsukishima was not out of practice.  And second, that the acoustic guitar sitting in the corner was most definitely not out of tune. He was no expert on musical instruments, so he supposed he wasn’t 100% sure of this, but one thing about the guitar always stood out to him whenever he came over.  It never gathered dust.  And that meant that it was being used.  Regularly, constantly played and cared for by a boy who loved music more than anything else. 

“Yamaguchi!  I will start without you.  Don't think I won't.” 

Clearly, there were other reasons for why he was so reluctant to let others hear him play, reluctant to let even Yamaguchi hear him play.  But if he wanted to pretend that the reason was an out of tune guitar, then Yamaguchi would pretend to believe him.  At least for tonight.

“Coming, Tsukki!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So once again, thank you for all of your comments on the last chapter! I've been on vacation, but I was reading them all on my phone as they came in, and they made me smile :). Anyway, I know that this chapter's a little shorter than usual, but I do have a little something extra for you guys this week, for anyone interested. A couple weeks ago, I asked if a fanmix/playlist to go along with this fic would be something you'd be interested in, and several of you said yes in the comments, so I went ahead and made one! And since each chapter has a song to go along with it, I'll be updating the playlist every time I post a new chapter. Anyway, for anybody who's interested, you can listen here:
> 
> http://8tracks.com/starspangledlibra/beautiful-mess
> 
> Or you can just search Beautiful Mess in the Tsukkiyama tag on 8tracks. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!


	15. Heartbeat

Yamaguchi picked at what was left of the nail on his pinky finger, wincing when he realized he’d torn off too much. A small drop of blood appeared where he’d broken the skin, but he quickly wiped it away and moved onto another nail. It was a bad habit, picking his nails; he knew that, but right now, it was the only thing he could do to keep his thoughts from spiraling out of control.  Today was the day- the day that everyone in the class was supposed to give their oral reports.   Unfortunately, that included him.  But maybe it didn’t have to… Maybe if he pretended to be sick, he could go to the nurse’s office, and he could put off giving his speech for another day…

 

He shook his head.  _No.  I can’t do that.  Tsukki’s been working really hard on coaching me lately, listening to my speech, offering suggestions on how to make it better, giving me encouragement… If I don’t do this today, then all of his efforts will have been for nothing… Though, I’d still have to give the speech when I get back.  Maybe I’d do better if I had just one more day of practice… Wait, no! I have to do this today. I **can** do this today!  Tsukki believes in me, so I should believe in myself a little more!_

He took a deep breath, and for a moment, he felt a little better.  Just reminding himself that Tsukishima believed he could do this was enough to calm himself down, or at the very least, to resist the urge to bolt out of his chair and flee the classroom.  After all, his friend had done everything he could to help ease his fears about giving this oral report. He didn’t want to disappoint him by backing out now...

Just then, the classroom broke out into another round of applause at the conclusion of yet another successful oral report. Or at least, what he assumed was a successful oral report.  He couldn’t be sure, since he hadn’t been able to focus on any of the speeches so far. In fact, he was so caught up in his own head, that even when he tried to listen, it all sounded like it was in another language, and he couldn’t make any sense of it at all. Yamaguchi tore off another nail and tried to steel his nerves.  Soon, it would be his turn to go.  Probably. Although right now, he couldn’t remember what number he was.  He knew he’d signed up to go towards the end of class, but what number was he? 16? 17?  And for that matter, how many people had gone so far? He was pretty sure he’d heard the class clap at least a dozen times by now, but producing an actual number seemed impossible at the moment. 

The class began clapping once more, and then for the first time that morning, the teacher’s words actually made sense to him. “All right; next, we will hear from Yamaguchi Tadashi,” he said.  At the sound of his name being called, Yamaguchi froze.  Was he really ready to do this?  He looked to his left, in hopes of getting a few last words of encouragement from his best friend, but to his surprise, the desk was empty. Tsukishima wasn’t there. But why wasn’t he there? He should have been there; they had walked to school together this morning, hadn’t they?  Yamaguchi was sure that they had, although now as he was trying to remember what they had talked about, nothing was coming to mind. “Yamaguchi Tadashi?” the teacher tried again.  “It’s your turn to give your report.  Please come up to the front of the class where everyone can see you.”

Yamaguchi could feel his heart pounding in his chest now.  How was he supposed to face one of his biggest fears without the help of the one person in this room he could trust?  “W-where’s Tsukki?” he asked, but his throat was so dry that the question came out as barely more than a whisper, and he was pretty sure that no one else heard him.

“Yamaguchi.”  This time, the teacher seemed irritated.  “Are you prepared to go today or not?  We still have seven more presentations to get through today, so we can’t waste anymore time.  I’ll ask again, are you ready?” 

 

_No._

“Y-yes sir,” he said, nodding weakly. His heart was still pounding, but he was relieved to know that at least his voice still worked. He still didn’t understand where Tsukishima had gone, but right now, he couldn’t think about that. Because whether the blond was here or not, he had a presentation to get through, and he had to do it now.

“Breathe in, breathe out,” he mumbled under his breath. “You can do this…” With a sigh, he pulled out his notecards from his backpack and slowly made his way up to the front of the room.  The trip up there was a lot further than he remembered, and he couldn’t feel his feet touch the ground beneath him as he walked, but that was probably just the fear messing with his senses.  It’s not like that hadn’t happened before…

When he finally reached the front of the room, he realized his hands were trembling, and that he could barely hold the notecards in place.

“That’s right, the notecards,” he whispered to himself. “They’ll help.” Though he may not have had Tsukishima there with him right then, at least he still had the notecards; the notecards that Tsukishima had helped him make; the notecards that had his main talking points on them, in case he completely blanked and forgot what he was going to say.  They were his security blanket.  Hastily, he laid them out on the speaking podium in the proper order, and then he looked up to address the class. 

“H-hello… My uhh- my topic today is about Japanese relations with the United States, starting from the… the…” Yamaguchi trailed off, and a thick, pervading silence hung in the air.  He knew that he needed to continue with his report, or to at least say something, but once again, he felt paralyzed, unable to do anything except stare at his classmates, who were staring back at him.  And as he took a closer look at these classmates, he realized something…

He didn’t recognize anyone. 

 

_Am I in the wrong class?!_

 

Just the idea of making such a humiliating mistake sent his heart racing and made his entire body feel like it was overheating. Was he really in the wrong classroom? No, that couldn’t be it. The teacher had called his name after all; if he had been in the wrong room, the teacher wouldn’t have known him at all… He shook his head to try and clear his thoughts of all the fear that was plaguing his mind right now. Because that’s all it was; it was fear that was making him think that he didn’t recognize anyone, and that he was in the wrong place.  This was where he was supposed to be.  He was Yamaguchi Tadashi, this was Japanese History class, and right now, he was supposed to be giving an oral report that would count for a significant portion of his grade. And the sooner he got this over with, the sooner he could retreat back to his desk and pretend that this never happened. 

After taking another deep breath, and then gripping onto the podium to steady himself, somehow Yamaguchi found his voice again. He let out a weak laugh. “Heh… S-sorry about that… Where was I?” He glanced down at his notecards to try and remember how his introduction was supposed to start. Internally, he groaned- he could just picture Tsukishima’s look of disappointment.  They had gone over the introduction so many times yesterday, that Tsukishima had assured him that he could recite it in his sleep… And yet… He couldn’t even think of the first few words, now that he was giving the speech in public, when it mattered most.  But that was what the notecards were for.  If he could just get his eyes to focus; he knew he had the first few lines written on that first notecard… 

But when he looked at that first notecard, none of the words made any sense, and they seemed to change every time he looked at them. Had he lost the ability to read now? The heart palpitations and distorted sense of time, he was used to, but this inability to read was new. What was he supposed to do if he couldn’t even read his notes on what to say?!  Sweat began to form on the back of his neck, dripping down and getting the back of his shirt wet.  The class still waited in silence for him to begin.  “U-umm…” 

“Yamaguchi, if you’re not prepared, please go sit down and stop wasting our time,” the teacher snapped. 

“W-wait, no! I-I- I can do this!” he pleaded. “Just give me a minute!” Desperately, he tried to recall something, anything about the topic that he’d spent the past few weeks researching, writing about, and speaking about over and over again in front of the mirror, in the shower, in front of his best friend… but nothing was coming to mind.  Where was his best friend anyway?  He had promised that he’d be there for him!  Maybe if he were here, this wouldn’t be happening right now.

Yamaguchi’s eyes instinctively moved to look at the desk next to his, and he was shocked to find that it was now occupied. Tsukishima was there, right there where he always was.  But that didn’t make sense.  Wasn’t he gone, just a few minutes ago? Had he just gone to the bathroom?  But if that was the case, when had he come back? He was so sure that up until right now, that seat had been completely empty, but now his friend was suddenly here. Was he imagining things? It certainly wasn’t out of the question with the way things had been going; he still felt like he was having a heat stroke, so he didn’t fully trust his brain right now.  However, real or not, for right now, Tsukishima was here- his best friend was here, and Yamaguchi planned on using that to his advantage to try and calm himself down.  He offered the blond a small smile, but that smile instantly faltered when he saw the look on his friend’s face. 

Tsukishima was smiling.  It was not one of his genuine smiles though. It was more of a condescending smirk, the kind of smirk he gave Hinata and Kageyama when they were being annoying or overly confident.  That same patronizing glare that he’d seen used several times on others was now being used on him, and he had no idea why.  “Tsukki,” he said quietly.  “What are you… doing?”

Tsukishima’s smirk morphed into a twisted grin, an awful smile that he’d never seen before on the blond.  “Pathetic.”  He practically spat the word out, and Yamaguchi felt something twist inside him. That shaky feeling was back, and this time, it was his entire body that was trembling.  It was all he could do to stay standing.  “Yamaguchi,” the blond continued.  “You’re so pathetic; you can’t even do a simple history report… You can’t do anything right, can you?” 

“N-no,” he choked out.  “That’s- that’s not… I can’t…” His eyes stung, as he blinked back the tears that threatened to spill out.  He wanted to ask why Tsukishima was doing this… Why was he making fun of him in front of the whole class, instead of supporting him like he’d promised? He wanted to ask this, but no more words would come out, and so he could only stare out into the sea of mocking faces.  Some of them were laughing now, Tsukishima included, but he couldn’t hear their laughter. All he could hear now was the sound of his own heartbeat, and the one thought that echoed through his mind over and over again:

 

_I have to get out of here._

However, that was easier said than done. As soon as Yamaguchi tried to run for the door, he found that his legs were like jelly, and he fell to the floor. The whole class was laughing now, even the teacher, though he couldn’t see their faces anymore. Fuzzy… Everything was fuzzy, and darkness was creeping up on the edge of his vision.  That darkness continued to spread, until he could barely see anything at all.  Somehow, this all felt very familiar; he knew what was going to happen next. He was going to pass out… And so, Yamaguchi squeezed his eyes shut, and curled himself up into a ball, just like before, and waited for it all to be over. 

But even as he lay there in total darkness, he could feel the eyes of his classmates staring at him.  They were probably talking and laughing at the pathetic mess of a boy that lay in front of him.  He curled even tighter into his chest and tried to even out his breathing, but nothing he did was working.  He couldn’t stop his erratic breathing.  And he couldn’t stop his body from shaking.  And he couldn’t his head from spinning.  And he couldn’t stop his heart from pounding, or his brain from screaming out that he couldn’t handle this anymore, and that he needed to get away... There was nothing he could do right now.  And the worst part was that Tsukishima was there to witness it all, and he was doing the most awful thing he could imagine.  He was laughing.  He knew that Yamaguchi was afraid, that he needed comfort and assurance and understanding, and he was laughing! 

 

_The one person I thought I could trust… He thinks I’m pathetic.  I am pathetic, aren’t I?_

 

* * *

 

Yamaguchi woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. When air didn’t come, this only served to frighten him even more, and his breathing became even more shallow. Now he was feeling lightheaded. Was he dying?  It felt like he was dying… Suddenly, his stomach did a flip, and he clamped a hand over his mouth. Instinct took over; though his brain still couldn’t make sense of where he was, his body knew where to go. He rushed into the bathroom and bent down over the toilet, where he promptly emptied the contents of his stomach. Then he proceeded to dry heave for what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes, until gradually, his breathing slowed, and the churning in his stomach stopped. 

Once he felt like he was no longer in danger of throwing up again, Yamaguchi sat down on the tile floor and leaned against the back wall.  Deep breath in, deep breath out. He repeated this process several times, just like his therapist and his parents had always told him to, until he felt a little better, or at least until the feelings of hyperventilation had passed.  As he continued to calm down, he finally noticed how dark it was.  And it wasn’t just in the room he was in; there weren’t any lights on anywhere in the house from what he could tell.  One glance out the small window behind him confirmed what he already suspected; it was still the middle of the night.  Did that mean that what had happened with the speech was all a dream? Well, of course it was; logically, that was the only explanation.  Still, it had been a long time since he’d had a nightmare this bad, and this realistic. He couldn’t help but be shaken up by it.

 

 _Maybe I shouldn’t go to school today_ , he thought to himself. 

 

He was nauseous, his body was cold and clammy and covered in sweat, and he couldn’t stop the mild trembling in his hands. Physically, he was in no condition to go anywhere right now, least of all to school, where the source of his stresses laid waiting for him.  He reasoned that he could try sleeping this off, depending on what time it was. If he had a few hours to recover, it was a possibility that he could still go to school.  But checking the time meant going back to his room to get his phone, and Yamaguchi quickly found that he couldn’t stand up right now without feeling dizzy.  Just like in his dream, he could barely move…  Sinking back down to the floor, he began to remember more details of his dream, and the more he remembered, the more he wanted to forget.  Just like in his dream, he laid down on the floor and curled in on himself, as the tightness in his chest returned. He shuddered and let out a soft sob. One little speech had reduced him to a frantic mess?  Maybe he really was pathetic, even though he knew that the real Tsukki, his Tsukki, would never say that…  Or at least, he didn’t think so. 

“I… I can’t do it,” he choked out between sobs. “I can’t do it…” And as he lay there, crying on the bathroom floor, trying to will the dizziness and nausea to go away, he knew he couldn’t do this.  Yamaguchi had dealt with this kind of thing before, and these feelings didn’t just disappear. He would not be fine in a few hours. He might not be fine in a few days… There was no way he could even show up at school today, much less, give his speech.

“Sorry… Tsukki I’m so sorry…”

 

* * *

 

Yamaguchi’s mother found him three and a half hours later, curled up in the middle of the bathroom floor, with tearstained cheeks and tangled, matted hair.  The first thing she did was kneel down and pull him into a hug.  Then she guided him back to his bed and tucked him in, smoothing back his hair and giving him a kiss on the forehead before leaving to get him a glass of water.  He made no move to take it from her though; he was so exhausted and drained, that even moving his arm to grab said glass seemed like too much work.  Thankfully, his mother seemed to understand, and she set it down on his nightstand for later.  She didn’t ask any questions, didn’t demand an explanation for why he had gotten this bad overnight.  She simply told him to rest; that she was going to call the school, and then her work, so that they could both stay home today.  Yamaguchi wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to stay home to take care of him, but found that he didn’t have the energy to argue right now. So instead, he just nodded dumbly and let his heavy eyelids droop closed. School could wait awhile; it would have to wait.

 

* * *

 

Most of the rest of the morning was spent sleeping, though he did wake up a couple of times, once to drink water, and once to nibble on some crackers that his mother had brought him.  She had offered him real food, but he didn’t think he could stomach anything other than crackers right now, so he had declined.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, though he suspected it was around lunchtime, when he awoke for a third time. The first thing he heard was the rustling of papers.  That was odd… Was his mom in here?  Was she cleaning up his room? It had gotten a bit messier ever since the school year started, but he’d never been one to mind a little clutter, and his mom knew that.  But maybe this was her way of trying to make him feel better, by giving him one less thing to have to do later… He sat up and looked around the room for his mom to tell her thanks, but there was no one there.  He frowned, and sank back down into the pillows.  If there was no one here, then where had that noise come from? He was about to give up and just assume that he was hearing things, when the noise came again, this time accompanied by the sound of a pencil furiously scribbling something down. He sat up again, but he still didn’t see anyone around  “Hello?” he asked uncertainly.  There was no answer, but the sounds of pencil on paper kept on coming, and he realized that they were coming from somewhere below. 

Yamaguchi crawled over to the other end of his bed and looked down, and sure enough, he found a tall blonde boy sprawled out on his floor.  He had his headphones on, and his face was buried in a notebook.  It looked like he was working on math homework.  But more importantly, he was here.  In his room.  On his floor. Like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Umm, Tsukki…  Oh, right, headphones!”  He leaned down and gently shook Tsukishima’s shoulder to get his attention. The taller boy flinched and instinctively jerked away before realizing who it was.

“Would you quit doing that?!” He must have looked frightened or upset, because it only took a few seconds before the blond’s tone softened. “Sorry.  Didn’t mean to get mad.”

“N-no, it’s ok!  I’m the one who forgot you don’t like it when I do that. But I just wanted to know, umm… what are you doing here?”

Tsukishima looked slightly taken aback. “Are you seriously asking me that?  Look, I can go if you don’t want me here.”

“No!  Err- no; that’s not it.  Its just… school’s not over yet, right?”

“Right.” 

“So, you skipped school today?”

“Yeah.  Well, most of it, anyway.  And? Didn’t you skip today too?”

“That’s not- I mean… I didn’t do it on purpose!”

“Yeah, I know.  I don’t think you can fake looking that awful.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“You know what I mean.” 

“Yeah, I do.”

“So what happened?”

“I… I didn’t feel very well this morning.”

Tsukishima sighed.  “Well that much is obvious.” He picked himself up off the floor and moved to sit next to Yamaguchi.  “Did you stress yourself out too much?” 

“Yes… I’m sorry, Tsukki.  After all that practice, and all the help that you gave me, I still got scared… I had a nightmare about it last night, and even after I woke up, it still felt like… It was just really bad.  I didn’t have it in me to give my presentation after going through all that, so I just stayed home.”  Just thinking about the nightmare made his hands start to tremble a little, and so he clasped them together and placed them in his lap. “I’m really sorry…”

At this, Tsukishima scowled.  “Yamaguchi.  Don’t apologize for things that aren’t your fault.  How many times will I have to tell you that before it finally sinks in? It’s not like this is something you can really control, right?”

“Right.” 

“Then don’t apologize.”

“Ok… Ok, you’re right. I guess I just don’t know what else I can do at this point… By the way, was our teacher mad that I didn’t show up?  Do you think he’ll let me give my oral report when I come back, or will I just have to take the zero?”

“Hmm… Sasaki-sensei was a little irritated. Not just at you though, there were five or six students in our class who just happened to be sick today. Conveniently.”

Yamaguchi flinched.  “Oh no… He probably thinks that I skipped school on purpose too then, huh?”

“I’m sure he did,” Tsukishima answered with a dismissive shrug.  “But I talked to him about your situation, and he confirmed it with your mom, so it’s fine."

“Really?" 

“Yeah.  He also says you can give yours in private with just him for this presentation, but for the next one, he expects you to give it in front of the class, just like everyone else.  We’ll have to make sure you’re really ready by that point…  Honestly, I’m not sure what else we can try, but I’m sure that Takeda-sensei could give us some tips… What?  What are you staring at?”

Yamaguchi was staring, and he knew it, but he couldn’t help it.  He was just so in awe of how far his friend was willing to go to help him out, and yet he didn’t talk about it like it was a big deal.  In fact, the way he spoke, it was like helping him manage his fears was just the natural thing to do. 

 

 _But in a real friendship, that IS the natural thing to do._ He reminded himself. _I guess I’ve just never had real friendships before high school…_

 

A small smile spread across his face. “Thank you, Tsukki. Thank you so much.” 

“Yeah, yeah; it was just the decent thing to do; you don’t need to thank me for it.”  Still, he returned the smile with one of his own, which was accentuated by a light blush in his cheeks.  “But I guess… You’re welcome… Oh and also, I talked to the captain and the coach. They don’t know everything. I figured you should make that call if you want to tell anyone else on the team about your anxiety or not. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to, so as far as they know, you’re sick, and you won’t be coming to practice today or tomorrow, and neither will I.”

“Huh?  No, Tsukki, you should go to practice tomorrow.”

“Are you going?”

“…No.  Probably not.”

“Well then neither am I.”

“Tsukki… “ He would have argued more, but the idea of his best friend keeping him company all afternoon tomorrow was just too appealing.  “Ok. At least go to school though.”

“Fine.”

“Good.”

The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes; it seemed that neither one of them really knew what else to say at a time like this. Tsukishima made no move to leave though, so for the time being, he tried concentrating on the music that was flowing out of Tsukishima’s headphones.  He didn’t recognize the song that was currently playing, but it did sound pleasant. However, the song soon abruptly stopped- it took him a moment to realize that it was because the music had been turned off.

“How are you feeling?” the blond finally asked.

“A little better than before, but… I’m still pretty worn out,” he admitted.

“Oh.  Do you want to go back to sleep then?” 

“No.  If I go back to sleep now, I’ll probably be up all night again.” 

“Ok… Do you want to talk about it?” 

“About what?”

“The dream, you idiot.  The nightmare?”

“Is that what you used to do with your friend Aki?”

Tsukishima tensed up briefly at the mention of Aki, but he quickly recovered and shook his head.  “No.  He would never talk to me about his nightmares; he would always deny that he even had them, even though I knew that he did.  Or at least, I’m pretty sure he did.  I never caught him in the act, so I guess I can’t say for certain, but some mornings, he looked… almost like you do right now.  Drained, worn down, frazzled… But that idiot would just laugh it off and tell me that he stayed up too late reading, or some lame excuse like that… I did catch him having panic attacks during the day though, on a few occasions.  It was always right before a big project or presentation- I know everybody probably worries about that stuff to some extent, but Aki worried way too much. I always knew that, but it took awhile for me to realize just how bad it got for him sometimes.  Because he tried his hardest to hide his worst days from me.  It was annoying.”

“He probably just didn’t want you to worry about him too much.  I can understand that.”

“Yeah, well… it didn’t work.  I still worried about him anyway.  Finally, one day before school, I caught him throwing up in the bathroom.  Apparently, there was a huge test that day.  After that, he started confiding in me a little more, now that he knew that I knew. He still never told me about his sleepless nights, but he would at least tell me sometimes when he was nervous, and why he was nervous, just to get it all out in the open. He said that talking about it helped, if only a little bit… However sometimes on his worst days, he didn’t want to talk, or he wasn’t able to talk, so I just sat with him until he felt better.”

“You must have really cared about Aki a lot, huh?”

“Yeah.  I guess I did.” 

“Hey, what, uh-” The rest of the words got caught in his throat as he looked up at the blond.  He wanted to ask what happened to Aki, since every mention of him always seemed to be in the past tense.  Clearly, Tsukishima still cared about him, though they were no longer friends. But whether they were no longer friends because of a fight, or because they simply lost touch, he couldn’t be sure.  Either way, he sensed that now might not be a good time to ask.  Though with Tsukishima, there would probably never be a good time to ask about something like that.

“Were you gonna say something?”

These words brought Yamaguchi back to the present, and he quickly shook his head. “Ahh, never mind!” 

“Ok.”  He rubbed at the back of his neck and dropped his gaze to the floor. “But anyway, my point is, if you wanna talk, that’s ok.  If not, that’s ok too.”

“Thanks, Tsukki… Actually, I think I would like to talk about it- the nightmare, I mean.”

“You sure?  You don’t have to.” 

“Yeah, I know.  But I want to.”

 

_Because I trust you, Tsukki._

It took awhile, but Yamaguchi explained it all; every part of the dream, his nervous tics, the class’s blank stares, the overwhelming sound of laughter mixed with the sound of his own heartbeat when he forgot everything he was going to say… He even shared Tsukishima’s appearance in the dream, though when they got to that part, the taller boy shot him a very stern and serious look. 

“You know I would never say that, right?”

“O-of course I know that!  But I can’t really control my dreams.  And it felt so real at the time." 

“Yeah, that’s how nightmares are… But that’s why when you wake up, you need to pick them apart- to remind yourself that they’re not real.”

“But… this one could have been real.”

“No.  Because even if you had blanked on everything we practiced, nobody would laugh, especially not me.”

“Ok,” he said with a sigh.  “I guess… I guess I know that _you_ wouldn’t laugh, but like I said before, you can’t guarantee that no one else would laugh.” 

“I don’t know.  I probably could.  I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this, but I can be very intimidating when I want to be.” 

“Pfft!”  Yamaguchi covered his mouth with his hand to stifle a giggle, though it wasn’t very effective.  “Tsukki, that’s umm, sweet of you to offer to intimidate the entire class into silence, but I don’t think we need to go that far… Although I suppose it’s nice to know that you would; we’ll keep that as a- solid plan B… Thanks.”

“Sure.” 

“So, umm… Will you help me practice my speech again real quick before you go?”

“Yeah, I can do that.  Not now, though.  Later. And, uhh… I guess I should probably have told you earlier, but I’m staying the night.  Your mom invited me…”

“Oh!  Uhh, ok!”

“I mean, it was just an idea. If you don’t want me to stay, I can go home after dinner.” 

“No!  Please- stay. That’d be nice.” 

“Ok then… good…  Then… yeah…”  Tsukishima seemed to be at a loss for words.  He also seemed inexplicably anxious all of a sudden; he was now sitting on the very edge of the bed, looking like he was ready to spring forward at any moment. They fell into a short awkward silence, and Yamaguchi was about to ask if something was wrong, when the blond finally spoke up again...

“Close your eyes.”

…With a very odd request. 

“Huh?”

“You heard me, just do it, ok?”

“All right…” He did as he was told and squeezed his eyes shut.  “Can you at least tell me why though?”

“No.” 

“But Tsukki-” He paused.  This situation felt very familiar somehow. Not that it had ever happened to him personally, of course, but he watched a lot of movies and TV shows where this kind of thing happened.  It was usually a scene between a boy and a girl; one would tell the other to close their eyes, and then…

 

_And then they kiss… And then they kiss! Oh god._

 

Yamaguchi felt his heart pounding, just like in his dream, but this time, it was for an entirely different reason. Was Tsukishima going to kiss him? Or was he reading too much into this? He had no proof that Tsukishima liked him like that, other than the memories from their five nights at training camp. But that didn’t necessarily mean that his friend had feelings for him… did it?  Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t; either way, he could feel the excitement and tension building inside of him as the seconds dragged on. He started to lean in closer, just in case, but then he heard Tsukishima  get up and start walking around.  Ok, so maybe he had gotten the wrong idea of what was happening. His shoulders slumped a little, but he tried not to be too disappointed.  After all, it was a long shot that something like that would actually happen to him… But if Tsukishima wasn’t planning to kiss him, then what was he planning to do? 

His closet door opened.  Tsukishima grabbed something out of it, and then the door shut again.  Had Tsukishima brought him a present then?  All sorts of guesses ran through his mind as he listened for more clues.  Something was being unzipped- some sort of bag. But before he had time to wonder whether it was just his backpack, or something else, he felt the bed dip down beside him.  

“Tsukki?”

“Yeah, I’m back.”

“Well yeah, I know that!  Can I open my eyes yet?  

“No.”

“But I thought- Ok…  Just tell me when to open them then.”

“You’ll know.” 

“Huh?  What does that even mean?”

And although it didn’t make sense, it appeared that this was the only response that he was going to get from his tightlipped friend for now. So instead of asking any more questions, he just made himself comfortable and waited for Tsukishima to reveal whatever surprise he was planning.  For a minute or two, nothing was happening.  But then…

 

_~Made a wrong turn, once or twice~_

 

The soft, melodic voice, accompanied by a few simple guitar chords, began to fill the room.  It wasn’t a song he’d ever heard before, but already, he liked the sound of it.  The tone felt sincere and personal, almost as if the singer was singing directly to him…

 

_Wait. Wait!_

His eyes flew open as soon as his brain connected the dots.  Sure enough, there was Tsukishima right beside him, with the guitar resting on his lap. His fingers moved effortlessly along the fret board, as he changed from chord to chord.  Yamaguchi gawked at the sight in front of him. He knew he had asked for this, several times, in fact, but still, he couldn’t believe it.  The music was coming from him.  Tsukishima was playing music… and singing… just for him.

And he was good.  Really good.  Yamaguchi could have sat and listened to him all day, and it wasn’t just because he was hopelessly in love with this boy… A huge grin spread across his face. Granted, the song was in English, so he didn’t fully understand the lyrics, but he could pick out a few things. He could tell that the overall message was a good one.  The recurring line said it all. It was the only part he could translate with his sleep deprived brain and his mediocre English skills, but it was enough. 

 

 _~You are perfect to me~_  

 

It was more than enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahaha, so guess what the next song in the playlist is gonna be... But for now, I need to go be a responsible college student and do my homework that's due tomorrow ;_; Thanks for reading!


	16. Like

_Come on, Yamaguchi, it's just three little words; you can do this!  Ok, so maybe it’s four little words... I like you, Tsukki.  Ok, four little words, but still... I should just go for it.  What's the worst that could happen?  Oh... Oh no.  Ok bad question- how about this: What's the worst that's likely to happen?  He could say no.  He could stop being my friend.  He could laugh and then out me to the entire school... No.  No, Tsukki wouldn't do something that horrible.  But would he stop being my friend?  Probably not, but if he did, I don't think I could handle that... But this is Tsukki; he's my best friend, and I'm his... I think.  No, no, I definitely am.  So I should be able to trust him with anything, even something like this.  And I could tell him that nothing needs to change... I mean, unless he wants something to change...  And who knows, maybe he likes me back? It's definitely possible after everything that's happened... This is the same Tsukki who grabbed my hand and held me at night while we slept, and sang for me to make me feel better... It's not like he's not giving me anything to go off of... In fact, he's given me a lot.  Still, I've never dated anyone, so I could be reading this completely wrong.  Those few times that he grabbed my hand were for practical reasons, after all... But then again, he did hold on for longer than he had to... And he did kind of sleep on top of me every night at training camp... But it's not like he can control what he does in his sleep... And then there's the song, which was really sweet, but was it romantic?  I... I don't really know.   Ugh, I wish that there were somebody I could ask about this- somebody who's good at English, other than Tsukki, of course... Maybe the teacher?  No, that's a terrible idea; what if there's something inappropriate in that song that I don't know about?  Plus then he might ask me what this is for, and if he does, what am I supposed to say?  I think my best friend may have been trying to secretly flirt with me by singing this song, but I'm not sure, so could you help me out?_

He was still thinking about whether he knew anyone else who was good at English, when something small hit against the side of his head and pulled him out of his thoughts.  He picked up the offending object and frowned.  Another dinosaur eraser.  "Tsukki, what the heck was that for?!"

"I wanted to get your attention."

"Well, I guess it worked. But you know, most people just say the other person's name if they want to get their attention." 

"I did that already.  Several times.  It didn't work."

"Oh... sorry.  I guess I didn't notice."

"Yeah, you were gone there for a few minutes.  Are you ok?"

"Oh, uh, yeah!  I was just thinking about... something."

"Well don't think too hard.  You might get sick again." 

Yamaguchi bit down on his lower lip. Here was Tsukishima looking out for him yet again, and worrying about him yet again, all because he wasn’t strong enough to keep it together.  He really needed to try to keep it together from now on, at least when he was thinking about those four little words.  "I know; you're right,” he agreed.  “I'm sor- you're right...  If it makes you feel any better though, I wasn't thinking about the speech this time.  I think I'll be ok on this one since it's just in front of the teacher.  And as for next time... I'll figure out something when the time comes.  I can’t afford to freak out over something that we don’t even know when it’s going to happen, you know?”

"That's good.  So what were you thinking about then?”

“What was I- oh! Uhh…”

 

_Just tell him._

“Actually… you see… Ahhh…”

Tsukishima snorted.  “Hey, don’t hurt yourself.  If you don’t want to tell me, it’s fine.” 

"No, it’s not that!  It’s just... I was actually sort of... thinking about you."

"Oh, ok …What?"

 

_Ok… Not the way I was envisioning this to go, but it’s a start.  Just gotta keep going.  Can’t take it back now… Can I?  No, probably not._

 

“Y-yeah.  I’ve actually been thinking about you a lot lately.  It’s been really stressful… Oh god, did that sound bad? It sounded bad, didn’t it? I’m so sorry!”

 

_Just four little words_

“What I meant to say is…”

 

_I like you, Tsukki…_

“I… I want to make it up to you.”

Over the past two minutes, Tsukishima’s face had gone from looking shocked, to concerned, to mildly amused, and now he just looked completely perplexed.  Not that Yamaguchi could blame him; it was his own fault for not being able to communicate like a normal person.  All he had needed to say were four little words, and he just wasn’t able to get them to come out of his mouth.  He wanted to bang his head against the wall.   

“I don’t understand,” Tsukishima said slowly. “Make what up to me?”

Yamaguchi sighed.  This wasn’t what he’d wanted to say, but at least this topic came easier for him.  "Honestly… Everything, Tsukki. I mean, you've been helping me with my school work, listening to me freaking out over every little thing, and then these last couple days especially, just… being there for me. You’ve just been doing a lot of stuff for me lately, and I haven't had the chance to return the favor, or to even thank you properly.”

Tsukishima blinked a few times, seemingly dazed, before finally answering.  "That’s it? That’s what you looked like you were having an internal crisis over?” 

Yamaguchi looked down at his bento as he felt his cheeks grow hot.  That wasn’t it, but he’d lost his nerve to say otherwise.  “Yes." 

“Hmm… ok.” It didn’t look like he believed him, but he seemed to be letting it go anyway, at least for now. “You know, you don't have to worry about stuff like that.  It's fine.  You don’t have to make it up to me. I didn't do all that stuff to get anything back.  I did it because I like you.” 

There they were- those simple words which had been painfully dragged to the tip of his tongue, then forcibly shoved back down his throat.  _I like you._   Those words sounded effortless coming from Tsukishima.  So effortless, in fact, that it took a moment for them to sink in. But when they did, he nearly fell over.

“Ahh- You- you what?!”

There was a pause, and then, “The surprise is a little insulting, Yamaguchi.  Do you still not think we’re friends?”

“Oh, friends… of course…” He should have known. “No, it’s not that; I was… I thought… Never mind.  Sorry, Tsukki! I guess I’m still a little out of it today.”

“It’s fine." 

"Anyway... thank you, Tsukki.  It meant a lot to have you here these past couple days." 

"No problem.  Just next time... next time, don't let it get so bad before you talk to me... Or someone.  It doesn't have to be me.  Takeda-sensei is nice.  He'd probably actually know what to do about your intense anxiety towards public speaking… But if not him, then definitely someone...  I don’t want you to have to go through that again.”

“Tsukki… No matter what, there’s always a chance that I might go through that again… But I’ll try to be more proactive about it from now on.  I think part of the problem was that I wasn’t letting myself feel how scared I was; I just kept pushing it down, pushing it away, until finally, I couldn’t do it anymore, and then in that nightmare, all those feelings of dread and anxiety just came rushing to the surface…  It was awful, and I definitely want to try and not have it happen again.  So I think I will talk to Take-sensei about it sometime, but if it’s all right, I still want to share with you, Tsukki… Even if you can’t do anything to help, I still feel a little better after talking to you about this stuff. If you don’t mind hearing about it, that is!”

“Of course not.  Like I said, as long as you talk to someone, that’s good enough for me.”

“Ok… Thank you, Tsukki.”

“You don’t have to keep saying that.”

“I know, but I want to.  Because I don’t want you to ever forget how much I… appreciate having you as a friend.”

“I-Ahh… Shut up, Yamaguchi.”  But instead of sounding angry, he just sounded flustered, causing Yamaguchi to giggle. 

“Sorry, Tsukki!”

“Save it.” 

“Ok, ok… Anyway, uhh, there was one more thing I wanted to ask you.  Do you think that maybe you’d wanna…” 

He wasn’t sure exactly what he was trying to say, whether he was trying to ask the blond out on a date, or simply for another opportunity to be alone together so he could hopefully confess his feelings- probably the latter.  But it didn’t matter, because he never got to finish his question.  At that moment, the doors that led back inside the school burst open, and out came Hinata, with his bento and his gym bag.  He smiled as he ran over and took a seat next to them. “Hey guys!  So this is where you were hiding- do you have lunch up here every day?”

“Yes,” said Tsukishima.  “We like how quiet and peaceful it is.  All of the loud, obnoxious students are back in their classrooms. Where they belong.”

“Hey; what’s that supposed to mean?’ 

“Nothing.  Unless you’re calling yourself loud and obnoxious, that is. Oh wait.”

“Hey!  You know you’re really-”

“Hinata, hi!” Yamaguchi said loudly, stepping in before their bickering could continue.  “What are you doing here?  Don’t you usually eat in the gym so you can practice afterwards?”

Hinata huffed.  “Yeah… But Kageyama failed a geography, or geometry test, or something like that, and so he’s retaking it right now.” 

“You do know that those are two completely different subjects, right?”

“Oh, shut up!  The point is, he’s going to busy for the entire lunch period. And if I don’t have anyone to toss to me, then there’s really no point in going to the gym to practice.”

“Well, that still doesn’t explain why you’re here,” Tsukishima retorted.  “Just because your king is too stupid for basic education and can’t go to the gym with you, doesn’t mean there aren’t a million other places that you could be right now.  Anywhere but here.”

Yamaguchi winced.  He knew that Tsukishima didn’t like Hinata, but that was a little harsh, even for him.  Maybe the blond had sensed that they were having a moment, and he wanted to get back to it- that was the only thing he could think of.  “Tsukki…”

He was going to scold him, but Hinata interrupted, but not in his usual cheery voice.  This time, he was quieter, more subdued.  “I also came to give something to Yamaguchi,” he mumbled.  Hinata reached into his bag and pulled out a small envelope. “Here.  The whole team signed it.”

Tentatively, Yamaguchi took the envelope out of Hinata’s hands. “Wha-what is it?" 

“You’ll see.  Just open it.” 

“Ok.”  Yamaguchi did as he was told, carefully ripping open the envelope, and pulling out what looked to be a get well soon card.  Aesthetically, it was a disaster, with explosions of glitter, rudimentary stick figure drawings of him and his teammates, sloppy handwriting, with some messages written partially overtop of one another… But the important thing was that everyone on the team had signed this.  Everyone on the team had put effort into making this card special and personal, just for him.  It was enough to make his heart melt.  “Hinata… Thank you.  I’ll be sure to tell everyone else thank you as well during practice this afternoon, but … Was this your idea?” 

Hinata smiled sheepishly and nodded. “Yeah.  I mean, I know you’ve only been gone for a couple of days, but I just wanted you to know that we all missed you.  And… I was worried about you.  Well, we all were, of course, but I think I might be one of the only people who knows what actually happened…  Did you have an anxiety attack?”

Yamaguchi swallowed.  “Yeah, I did.”

“Thought so.  Anyway, I just wanted to give you that, and to make sure you’re ok. And, it looks like you are, so I guess I’ll see you later then.  Bye guys!” Hinata stood up to leave, but was forcibly dragged back down when Tsukishima pulled on his arm. Shocked, he stared up at Tsukishima with wide eyes, awaiting an explanation that it didn’t look like he was going to get. Finally, the blond huffed.

“Just this once, since you managed to find this place. But don’t make it a habit.” And with that, he went back to eating his lunch. 

“Tsukki…” 

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

And so Yamaguchi shut up, but the smile didn’t leave his face; the significance of the moment wasn’t lost on him. And judging by the look on Hinata’s face, the significance wasn’t lost on him either.  Tsukishima had invited him to stay.  Well, maybe not exactly invited, but from Tsukishima, that was probably as close to an invitation as he was ever going to get. 

Hinata beamed.  “Really?! Cool!  Thanks, Tsukishima!” 

“Yeah, yeah.”

Most of the rest of lunch period consisted of talking about movies and video games, or at least, Hinata talking about movies and video games, while Yamaguchi, and occasionally Tsukishima, chimed in their responses here and there.  Yamaguchi was beginning to think that maybe he was finally starting to make progress with bringing his two friends together, when Hinata brought up the tournament.

And immediately, the headphones went back up over the ears. 

He was about to change the subject, but Hinata was quicker, and louder, so he didn’t get the chance to try.   “Oh, by the way!” Hinata said, bouncing in his seat.  “Suga said he was gonna work with me and Kageyama for a little extra practice this weekend, if you wanna join us!” 

“Extra practice huh?  When is it?”

 “Saturday morning, around 10.”

“Oh, ok…” He felt conflicted. On the one hand, the tournament was starting next weekend, which was really soon, and he really felt like he could benefit from the extra practice.  On the off chance that the coach decided to put him in the game, he wanted to be prepared.  But on the other hand, he had wanted to spend time with Tsukishima this weekend, maybe talk about his feelings for him, if he could manage to work up the nerve to bring it up… But if practice was only in the morning, he could always do both… But Tsukishima would probably be in a bad mood if he found out that he had come from extra volleyball practice; he’d probably go on about Yamaguchi needing to not over exert himself, or push himself too hard.  Either that, or he might feel left out, being the only first year not invited.  He knew that if asked, he would deny it, but he knew that on some level, Tsukishima would be bothered by it, whether he admitted it or not. 

He was about to say no, but, to his surprise, Tsukishima said, “You should go, if you want to.” 

“Huh?”  He gave the blond a blank stare; he didn’t even know that he’d been listening- how long had he been listening? 

“It looks like you want to go. You should go. Just be sure to actually get some sleep and eat breakfast before you start killing yourself again with volleyball." 

“Oh- ok…” He turned to Hinata. “Yeah, sure; I guess I’ll come. Maybe it’ll help make up for the practice I’ve missed this week.”

“Awesome!  By the way, Tsukishima, if you want to come too and help block for us, you ca-”

“No.  Thank you. I have plans.” 

“Kay!” Just then, the bell rang, signaling that it was time for the students to return to their classrooms.  Hinata packed up his bento and shoved it into his bag. “Ok, so are you coming to practice later?”

“Yeah.  My mom says I still need to take it easy for another day, so we might leave early, but I’ll be there.”

“All right; awesome!”  He slung his bag over his shoulder and started running towards the door.  “See you guys later!” And with that, he was gone, and with it, so was all the energy and noise he’d brought with him. Tsukishima silently packed his things, stood, and left, leaving Yamaguchi to follow suit. 

On the walk back to class, it was predictably quiet, and as usual, it was up to him to break the ice. How he was going to do that though, he had no idea.  Any courage he’d built up to confess had all gone away after Hinata had shown up. The moment was gone, and he wasn’t sure how to get it back; though even if he could, he wasn’t sure if he was ready anymore.  Besides, school wasn’t exactly the most romantic or special of places to confess to someone. In fact, it was kind of cliché, now that he thought about it- confessing to someone at school, on the rooftop… He’d seen it countless times in various animes he’d watched over the years. So in a way, he was glad, he got interrupted earlier.  When he confessed to Tsukishima, he wanted it to be special, and he wanted to be prepared, so that he wouldn’t embarrass himself.  Or at least not embarrass himself too much- he knew very well that no matter how prepared he was, there was a high probability that he would get rejected, and that would definitely be embarrassing, to say the least. 

 

_Wait- no. Stop being so negative! Tsukki could like me back… I think… Maybe…_

“What are you doing on Saturday?”

The abrupt question caused him to jump slightly, as he was pulled out of head once again.  “Huh?” he said dumbly, staring blankly back up at his friend.

“I said, what are you doing on Saturday? You know, after practicing with the idiot duo…”

“Uhh, nothing, I guess.  But I thought you had-”

“Plans?  I do. But you can be a part of them if you want.”  He clasped his hands together in front of him and stared down at the floor as they walked. “I’ve actually been meaning to ask you this for a little while now; she told me she wanted you to come and celebrate with us.”  

“Umm… sure.  But who’s she?  And what are we celebrating?”

“My mom,” he answered, as if that were obvious. “She’s coming home again this weekend- since it’s her birthday on Saturday.”

“Oh!  But- is it really ok if I come? Are you sure you guys don’t want to celebrate it alone?” 

“No, we’ve been celebrating it alone for years now, since…” Tsukishima paused, shook his head, and continued. “Never mind.  Anyway, I wouldn’t have invited you if it wasn’t ok. So do you want to come or not?” 

“Sure Tsukki.”  He smiled.  “I’ll give you a call when I’m done, which will probably be around noon.  Hinata and Kageyama will probably be able to go all day, but I don’t have that kind of stamina.” 

“Yeah, I know.  No normal human being does,” he replied with a smirk. “And, ok… By the way, before you ask, no you don’t need to bring anything.”

“But- Are you sure?  Shouldn’t I at least buy a-“

“Yamaguchi.  It’s fine.  We just want you there.” 

And without another word, he hurried into the classroom, leaving Yamaguchi out in the hall to reflect on what he’d just said.

_We just want you there?_

Though it was a simple phrase, coming from someone like Tsukishima- who didn’t like anyone in his personal space, he knew that it meant a lot.  And being invited to celebrate a family birthday?  It was almost as if… almost as if he was part of the family.  Maybe.  Or maybe he was reading too much into this.  But at the very least, maybe his chances with Tsukki weren’t as low as he’d originally thought. 

With a huge smile on his face, he followed Tsukishima into the classroom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! So sorry for keeping you all waiting! Basically, I had a rough semester, with no time/motivation to write anything other than essays. But, I'm back! I can't promise that the next update will be fast, but I can promise that it's not gonna take 4 months again, because, gahh, I've missed this fic! Anyway, for those who have stuck around and waited, thank you so much for your patience, and I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season :)


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